More For Black Women Interested in Dating White Men and Other Non-Black Men

Arguments Against Some Reasons You Are Told Not to Date Interracially:

First, I’ll start with a success story. Below the picture of wedding bells is a video of Traci and Jeremy, a married couple that met on EHarmony.

Traci & Jeremy, Married Aug 2007

To dissuade black women from dating interracially, some black folks will tell you to remember the racist acts perpetrated by white people against African-Americans. Not every white person is a racist. You can’t hold one person accountable for what others in their race did if they weren’t involved. Would you want everyone who first met you to assume you’re a criminal all because there are some black folks engaged in criminal activity? By the way, remember that even back in the day, during the civil rights era, there were some white people risking their lives to fight for the rights of black folks.

For example, during the civil rights era, there was a group known as the Freedom Riders that was comprised of blacks and whites; they traveled from the north of the U.S. to the south to register black voters. The group was threatened with physical harm, but they still pressed on with their mission, and unfortunately, some of them were killed. Were these white folks who were willing to suffer for the sake of black people racists?

Please recognize that there are kind and mean-spirited individuals in every race and give people the benefit of the doubt. The line of thinking on this paragraph should apply to your approach with any group of non-black people. For example, have you had bad experiences/know someone who’s had bad experiences with some Korean-Americans in Los Angeles? Don’t hold all Korean-Americans accountable for this. (I’ll make one exception to this principle by saying you shouldn’t date a man who is from a country where arranged marriages are common—like India—because the chances he will marry you are virtually nil.)

Additionally, those who seek to stop bw from dating out will sometimes say that the black race will die out eventually if bw date interracially. The harsh reality is that even if bw don’t date and marry out of the race, the black race in America is going to die off in the long-run. Consider that black females are only about 6% of the U.S. population, yet black women are 57% of the new HIV/AIDS cases. Some of these women will not seek testing or treatment until the illness has reached an aggressive phase and by then, it most likely will be too late. Consider the high murder rates because of gang activity in the black community. Consider that about 70% of black households in the U.S. are single-parent homes headed by women, which means many of the kids in those homes will be at-risk children who will become involved in life-threatening activities.

Consider that bm are increasingly dating and marrying out of their race, thereby giving birth to more biracial kids; there are biracial adults already asking not to be referred to as black and it won’t surprise me if the U.S. government eventually gives them their wish as they grow in number and political clout. Today, 13% of married bm are married to ww, whereas just a few years ago, the figure was 9% and it will keep rising. The 13% statistic is not even counting those who are married to women who are neither black nor white and it isn’t counting men who are having kids with non-black women, but are not married to them. All these factors point to the eventual decline in the population of black people in the U.S. even if black women choose to remain in the bondage of dating black men only. Since the race will decline no matter who black women choose to date, I hope more and more will choose to expand their dating pool to include non-black men. (I do acknowledge that the decline will happen faster if bw date interracially, but if the extinction in the U.S. is going to happen anyway, why keep holding out and reducing your chances of finding your soul mate?)

Also, the black race worldwide won’t die out because there is almost a whole continent full of black folks in Africa. I think, eventually, there will be so much dating/marriage between races that in about 50 – 75 years, people of mixed race will be the majority in the U.S. In 300 years, I won’t be surprised if they are pretty much the only ones left. The good news is that we won’t be the only race declining in numbers. Already there are whites posting comments on the Internet bemoaning the fact that white folks are mating interracially, which of course, leads to decline in the white population.

Something else to keep in mind is that the shortage of black men in the community is going to contribute to the death of more black women if they don’t start exercising other dating options. I say this because one of the reasons that bw are 57% of the new HIV/AIDS cases is that there are not enough men to go around in the black community. As a result, there are some women who so desperately want to keep a guy (or take him from someone else), that they allow the man to have unprotected sex with them to increase his pleasure. The extreme shortage has allowed so many bm to be like a kid in a candy shop—so some married men find it very easy to get girls to sleep with them even though the girls know the guy is married. If the ratio of available bm to bw weren’t so lop-sided, it would be less easy for these guys to get a girl (non-prostitute) to sleep with them. Some of these married men then catch HIV/AIDs and then spread it to their wives, mistresses and other women they sleep with. The dearth of quality, available bm is also adversely affecting the weight of bw. There are so many African-American women out there who are eating unhealthily because they are lonely or are suffering in a sub-par romantic relationship that leaves them feeling dejected and humiliated. We know that obesity is one of the factors that lead to heart disease, cancer and a host of other major illnesses that regularly send Americans to an early grave. Stop letting people delude/misdirect you with their “nothing but a bm” bromides because your happiness and in fact, your very life are at stake here.

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More Wedding Bells!!!

A reader of one of the bw IR blogs (a bw I’ll just refer to her as “P”) recently got married to a non-bm man from France. Congratulations, P!

Another reader of one of the bw IR blogs (a bw I’ll refer to as “A”) is now engaged to a non-bm. She kicked her previous troublesome boyfriend to the curb, stepped out of the box with a quality man and is now reaping the rewards. Congratulations, A!

Also, a bw who is a family friend of a relative of mine is getting married to a non-black European guy she met in the U.S. Love is in the air! ^^^^ I’m doing a happy dance for my sisters! ^^^^

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Check out my post titled “For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race.”

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

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For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race

If you’re a black woman considering interracial dating, it’s great that you’re thinking of stepping out of your comfort zone. Here is a picture of married couple Nicole and David Mullen—they are both Christian musicians. (At the bottom of this post, I have links to more information about Nicole C. Mullen.)



I’m glad more black women are dating interracially. It makes me very sad that so many lovely black women are alone and have been waiting for their black prince for decades. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the dismal marriage statistics for black women in the U.S. and are even sick of hearing them cited repeatedly, so I'll skip that. Black women need to expand their dating pool to include men of other races because

there is a shortage of available black men. The shortage can be attributed to various factors - chiefly, 1.5 million black men in prison and an increasing number of black men dating out of the race.

Helpful Online Communities
For black women who are interested in dating interracially, there are some online communities where you can get information, support and advice. I don’t agree with everything that is on them, but they are generally good resources. If you find anything on them offensive to you, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. There is a Yahoo group called “Black Women Who Date Interracially”—the members treat each other like family and are always welcoming to those who join. It is an excellent place to ask questions and share with others. There are also blogs known as the black women’s interracial empowerment blogs. A couple of examples of these blogs are “Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine” (Evia’s blog) and “Interracial Love and Spice by Sara” (see links to these 2 blogs and the Yahoo group in the “Links” section of my blog.) On the right hand side of Sara’s blog (Interracial Love and Spice blog), in the middle of the page, you will find links to other blogs that support black women who want to date interracially—there are quite a few of these sites.

Sara has a blog post about the non-factual statements that are thrown at black women to discourage them from dating interracially. (Some of these statements are made by racists and some are by nervous black men.) A common non-factual statement is that white and other non-black men don’t want black women. I know from my personal experience and the experiences of black women that are my relatives and friends that it is not true. There are many non-black men asking out black women of all types – dark-skinned, medium-brown-skinned, light-skinned, straight-nosed, round-nosed, full-lipped, thin-lipped, etc. You may not see black women in interracial relationships in the city where you live, but there are plenty of black women dating white men, hispanic men, asian men and native-american men in the U.S. - it’s just more concentrated in certain parts of the country. In every race of non-black men, there are some that like black women and some that don’t. Focus your thinking on the ones that do, not the ones that don’t.

Online Interracial Dating
Even if you’re in a city where you don’t see these relationships, you can meet the open-minded non-black men through online dating (I’ve heard people say they are not too crazy about e-Harmony, but some black women have met their non-black husbands via e-Harmony). Hedge your bets by trying both the general dating sites (like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, PlentyOfFish.com, Cupid.com, Chemistry.com, etc) and also those that cater to interracial dating (like Interracial Dating Central, Afro Romance, InterracialMatch, AfroIntroductions, etc). If you can’t afford to do both types, from what I’ve heard, it would be best to go with the general websites; this is because there are way more people on general websites and more variety, so you have a higher chance of finding someone you have chemistry with (I'm not primarily referring to physical chemistry). As I said, though, you're better off signing up with both the general and IR sites--as bw have met their non-black husbands on IR dating sites like InterracialMatch.com too.

Also, there are free interracial dating sites and some of the subscription-based sites can be used for free, but with access to certain features only. Yahoo Personals and Match.com ask users what their racial preferences are as far as who they want to date, so you can see it in the person’s profile if the person has a preference. Both these websites have a mutual match feature that let you know which guys fit your search criteria while at the same time, you meet their criteria. This is an excellent feature, especially when it comes to interracial dating, because it allows you not to waste time viewing profiles of non-black men who do not want to date black women.

One lady on a message board said that 90% of the non-black men on the general dating websites indicate they are not looking for black women when they complete their profile questionnaires. Well, that still leaves 10% for you to work with, and that’s plenty. You’re only looking for one good husband, not 10 million. Keep in mind that there are way more non-black men compared to black women in America since people of African descent are a minority here; 10% of the huge number of non-black men out there isn’t anything to sneeze at.

FYI: Some bw on IR forums have said that when they are using an online dating service, A LOT more men contact them when they select “looking for white men only” in their profile than when they select “race unimportant.” A few bw have said they believe the reason for this is that when many wm see a bw select “race unimportant,” they assume that is code for: “I’m still holding out for a quality, compatible black guy, but, in the mean time, I ‘ll use a non-bm as a placeholder.“ Hmmm… food for thought, isn’t it? I don’t think there’s a one-size-fit-all approach for bw when it comes to this. Each woman has to look at her individual circumstances, weigh the pros and cons of each approach and decide what is best for her. I suppose one way you could reject having to choose between the two is to use a hybrid approach: select “looking for white men only” on one dating site and select “race unimportant” on another dating site. Since wm are 70% of the male population in the U.S., this targeted wm-only approach isn’t so terribly bizarre—esp. when you consider that bw face some serious challenges when it comes to the American dating scene. Extraordinary circumstances sometimes call for extraordinary measures.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you carefully weigh the pros and cons first because even the hybrid approach can have downsides. Also be prepared to give a reasonable answer to any guy you start dating who may ask you why you’ve decided to go with the wm-only or hybrid approach (if you choose either of these approaches); you don’t need to tell him ALL your business though. Please also remember that you can select “wm-only” on a specific dating site and still be open to all races in the offline world. It’s not dishonest because when you select “wm-only,” all you’re saying is: "On this specific dating site, at this specific point in time, I am looking for wm only."

Someone pointed out to me that if you’re a bw looking for a committed Christian guy, even some wm may think that you’re a racist if you select “looking for wm-only;” since exhibiting racism is clearly not compatible with Jesus’ commandment to love your neighbor, the guy may be turned off. My response was that most bw who would select “wm-only” wouldn’t be being racist—they would just be trying to increase the number of men they met—but I do realize that perception is 9/10 of reality. Then we started questioning whether in fact a black Christian woman who selected “wm-only” would see a huge increase in committed Christian men contacting her or just a huge increase in men who are not committed Christians; I don’t know the answer to this, but if I were single today, looking for a guy who’s a dedicated Christian, I would probably err on the side of caution and select “race unimportant.” If you’re a committed Christian woman looking for a like-minded husband, see my 2 posts for Christian women because the dating scene for you is different from that of other bw.

I know many bw reading this are probably irritated that they even have to be thinking about these IR dating quirks. You may be thinking, “If only there were enough quality bm, if only we lived in a predominantly black society, if only....” Take heart, beloved. When you find the right guy, you’ll say all this rigmarole was worth it compared to the alternative. (I believe God is allowing bw to go through this horrific dating situation in America to cause us to be open to men of other races; He wants us to look at a person as an individual, not as a representation of Jim Crow or your cousin’s racist boss.)

As interracial relationships that include African-American women become more accepted in the society, more of the non-black men will participate, just like they do in Europe. In London, about 33% of women of African descent are in interracial relationships, mostly with white men. In many other Western European and Scandinavian countries, black women are highly sought-after. It’s not all men in these countries that like black women, but plenty do. I remember one Scandinavian guy really sweating me at a party many years ago and one professor from Germany who kept checking me out so intently that I became uncomfortable—fortunately, I was not taking a class with him. These two events occurred in the U.S., by the way. See the following link to read about a non-black, American woman’s surprise that white men were chasing after black women so much when she traveled all over Europe with her friends: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvnfqD8Uawu52srnPPDjDl2.7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080819081827AAEON3z.

Remember that once upon a time, it was considered social suicide / the height of desperation for a wm to marry an asian woman; back then, a lot of whites would ridicule aw’s facial features and call them ugly. Decades later, as wm-am pairings have become more common, attitudes have changed towards aw. I know some ww still don’t like the thought of the wm-aw couples, but, in general, the dating climate in the U.S. for aw is a lot more hospitable than in the 1940s, for example, and they are more accepted in the society than they used to be. The modern-day aw owe this change in climate to the pioneering aw of yester-year (and others like Mr and Mrs Loving) who were willing to brave the extreme hostility from mainstream society. Press on, sister. When you're open to dating IR in spite of the naysayers, you’re increasing the probability of a happier life for yourself and for future generations of bw.

Marriages Between Black Women and Non-Black Men
Also, don’t believe those that say all these non-black men are just after sex from black women. Some are and some aren’t—same thing with black guys. These Yahoo group and the blogs I mentioned above have many black women who participate who are married to non-black men and some of the blogs have pictures of black women at their weddings to non-black men.

I met this guy many years ago and his cousin, a bw, had just married into the British aristocracy (the groom was the son of a duke or an earl). A German prince, Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, married a black woman and he’s from one of the wealthiest royal families in Europe. The CEO of Symantec (makers of Norton Anti-virus) is married to a black woman. Count Ferdinand von Habsburg of Austria, who is a descendant of British royalty, married a black woman. Go to Sara’s blog (Interracial Love and Spice blog) and these other blogs and see the pictures of these couples for yourselves. I’m not mentioning black women’s marriages to men in the upper class to encourage black women to be gold diggers. I’m saying it because the truth is that men in a high socio-economic class tend to have a lot of women chasing after them and these guys bypassed those women to marry a black woman. I’m illustrating that even non-black guys who have way more options than the average Joe are marrying black women.

Ignore this rubbish propaganda about ALL non-black men using black women for sex. Just remember to screen all men because you have guys who behave like dogs in every race. (My belief is that no one should engage in pre-marital sex anyway. For Christian women: pray fervently and diligently for the Holy Spirit to give you the strength to overcome the temptation to have sex before marriage, and He will. I discuss this further in my post titled "More For Single Black Christian Women.")

Casting Your Net Wider
Unless you live somewhere like New York City where seeing black women in interracial relationships is not unusual, then it’s probably best to be flexible as far as the location of the person you’re dating. I know some people can’t stand long-distance relationships, but they give you a wider selection of guys to choose from and some long-distance relationships have made it to the marriage stage (mine is among them). Including men in Canada is also a good idea, as I heard there are bw finding love with non-bm over there. A relationship with a guy in Canada won’t be that much more inconvenient than a long-distance relationship within the U.S.—the inconvenience will come once you get married and one of you has to immigrate to the other country. I have heard the cities for a bw to target are: Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. (They don’t just speak French in Montreal, by the way—they speak English too.)

A lady who commented on one of the blogs I mentioned earlier said AfroIntroductions.com is a good option for dating non-bm who are outside the U.S. It has a lot of non-bm in Canada and in Europe looking for bw; the website is for people of all races and in all countries who want to meet black women or men. (The homepage says it is for meeting African singles, but it really is for meeting singles of African descent—anybody that’s black). For dating non-bm who are abroad, also check out Interracial Dating Central and, if you speak a European language, one of Match.com's European websites. Have a look at the following link and you will see that Match.com has 17 European dating websites—for example, Match.com Germany and Match.com Sweden: http://www.match.com/matchus/international/index.aspx. Don’t turn up your nose at international long-distance relationships because some of them do work. Read my post titled “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” for a few international long-distance success stories. If you don’t speak a European language, you can always learn –try Rosetta Stone software, which the U.S. Army uses for language training.

Here are a few other international dating sites where you can meet Canadian and/or European men:
(i) http://BlackAmericanBrides.com/ – It is an introduction service for those who are marriage-ready and it will link black women with men overseas or with military men in the U.S.
(ii) http://BlackFemaleScandinavianMarriage.com/ (for black women and Scandinavian men)
(iii) http://www.wdating.com/
(iv) http://www.internationalcupid.com/
(v) http://www.lavaplace.com/
(vi) http://www.LuvFree.com/
(vii) http://www.BlackBridesInternational.com/ (notice this is different from BlackAmericanBrides.com) (viii) http://www.europeankiss.com/

Also, though Plenty Of Fish doesn’t market itself as an international dating site per se, it does have members from all over the world.

A Small Aside:
If you get engaged to a non-black guy who is in Europe, consider having the wedding in the U.S. Think of all the bw who will attend your wedding or hear about it in some other way if it is held in the U.S.—the knowledge of your wedding may contribute to some single bw finally opening up to IR dating. Having your wedding here will also increase the number of bw/non-bm marriages reported in the U.S., which in turn can contribute to encouraging more black women to decide to date outside their race.

When you do get engaged, if the guy is a non-bm, be sure to put an announcement in a U.S. newspaper. Not only will it encourage other bw, but it will also contribute to the normalization of bw/non-bm couplings in the eyes of other segments of society. For example, as I said before, as the number of bw entering dating relationships with non-bm increases, the number of non-bm approaching bw will also increase. There are non-bm in the U.S. reluctant to approach a bw they’re attracted to because they assume she probably doesn’t date outside her race.

Books and a Seminar to Guide You
Three of the black women’s interracial empowerment bloggers have written books on interracial dating for bw. One is called “Supposing I Want to Date a White guy.” Another is “Black Female Interracial Marriage” and the third is “Black Women Deserve Better.” There is also a book on black interracial dating by a black woman who is a relationship columnist and it is called “The Colors of Love: The Black Person's Guide to Interracial Relationships.” Unlike the first 3 books, this fourth book is for black women and black men. You may also want to check out the upcoming book, “Don't Bring Home a White Boy and Other Notions that Keep Black Women from Dating Out” (it will be available after Feb 1, 2010);” here’s a link to a promotional video for the book: LINK. Go on Amazon or Barnes and Noble to see the reviews and decide which book(s) to buy and then borrow the rest from your library if you can (if they don’t have a book, perhaps they can do an interlibrary loan to get it). If you can’t find a book in stock at Amazon or B&N, do a google search to see where else you can purchase it.

There are seminars taking place around the country called “Free Your Mind: The Black Girl’s Guide to Interracial Dating.” One of these seminars was held in Los Angeles in 2009 and it was a resounding success (120 bw in attendance). Visit the following website for more information on workshop locations, dates, etc: http://www.blackweekly.com/freeyourmind/

When a Guy Approaches You
Ladies, if someone approaches you and you’re not interested, turn him down politely. There’s no need to humiliate the guy. Black women have such a bad reputation when it comes to this, that we are turning some non-black men off. When you rebuff a man in a rude way, you’re feeding into negative stereotypes of bw and making things harder for other sisters. One white guy who is madly in love with his black fiancée has started a blog on interracial relationships. He wrote that, compared to Asian women, black women tend to be much tougher on a man when they are blowing him off. He said that, in general, if an Asian women isn’t interested when a man approaches her, she will rebuff him very politely and sweetly. According to him, white women are not as polite as Asians when turning a guy down, but they aren’t as extreme as black women. Other men (including my husband) have made similar statements as this guy. Please, let’s remember to be gracious.

After You’re Open to IRR, Don’t Make Non-Black Men a Second Choice
There may be a tiny minority of bw reading this who are thinking to themselves: “I can have a non-black boyfriend so I won’t be lonely; however, I’ll simultaneously be surveying the landscape for a quality bm and when I find said bm, I’ll kick the non-bm to the curb.” If you’re one such woman, shame on you for planning on treating another human being like a disposable dinner napkin. Would you want a man to tell you that he was in a serious relationship with you, though he was secretly using you as a placeholder until he met the girl he wanted to marry?

After you’ve decided to open up to IR dating, don’t do it in a half-hearted way. Fully embrace it because if you’re adopting the half-stepping, double-minded, deceiving, “use a non-bm” approach, you may very well outslick yourself; you could lose the opportunity to be with the man God designed to be your husband at the time God wanted to give him to you. How likely is it that a quality non-bm will put up indefinitely with your game-playing and stalling when there are other women out there? Just ask yourself this simple question: “What if the man God has set apart for me is non-black?” If he is, but you’re playing non-black guys while keeping an eye open for your non-existent, black Mr Right, the “joke” is going to be on you when non-black Mr Right slips through your fingers. I can imagine someone responding: "If the relationship is meant to be, then we will eventually get back together." This is true, but who knows when that will be? For example, suppose the guy marries someone else after he gets sick of your unseriousness? The two of you may not get back together until you're an elderly woman, possibly after decade upon decade of your heartache, regrets and shattered dreams.

Some people may say to me, “Hey, why are you advising bw to date IR because of a shortage of available bm? That sounds like you’re making non-bm a 2nd choice.” Here’s my reply to them: Look, I’m merely addressing the world as it is. As we stand today, most bw have been heavily conditioned by the black community (and historically, even to some extent, the larger American society) to believe that we must only date and marry bm. How does one change that? It’s certainly not by ignoring it. We have to address our sisters’ concerns as they are TODAY, but with the intent of encouraging them to move to a loftier place where they are not writing a man off because of his skin color.

We must realize that people typically don’t just change and move out of their comfort zone unless they have a very compelling reason to do so. The social conditioning bw have been subjected to is extremely powerful, and so it takes an opposing force(s) that is even more powerful to break the conditioning. I strongly believe that the opposing, indoctrination-breaking force that God is using is this severe shortage of available bm in America. (We all have free will and human beings made decisions that have caused most of the shortage, but God can allow horrible circumstances to exist and use them to bring about something good. ex. a man who starts a foundation to search for a cure for a disease that his child died from.)

I’m addressing our sisters’ current concerns and meeting them where they live today by saying: “I know you believe that you should only date/marry a bm, but look at the devastating state of today’s black dating scene for women. The current paradigm is not working for you, so it’s time for a seismic shift in thinking.” If one doesn’t establish the deficits of the status quo, how can one convince a person to want to make monumental changes in their mindset? Fortunately, we see that slowly but surely, the savvy bw are coming around; the dearth of available bm is the major reason that some bw are starting to see men of other races as God wants us to see these men—as individual human beings that we can love romantically, not members of some untouchable (oftentimes despised) caste.

Safety
Even when it is a guy in the hood approaching you in a manner you find irritating, turn him down politely. There have been reports of some black men physically harming women who they feel disrespected them when the guy was asking for the digits or something. I’m not justifying them attacking women like that; I’m just saying we need to deal with these situations with wisdom. (I do recognize that being polite doesn’t guarantee the guy won’t try to harm you.) Also try to avoid the areas of town where you receive this sort of harassment; if you live in a neighborhood like this, move out.

If you’re planning to expand your dating pool to include men of other races, don’t live in an area where there are a lot of black folks because some may harass you verbally or even physically. Recently, a black woman and her non-black husband were killed by 4 black men (marines) who hated the idea of their union. There are black women who have said even the aggressive stares they receive from black folks when they are with a non-black man can be depressing. Move to a neighborhood where you can have more peace. When I recommend you don’t live in areas with a lot of black folks, I’m not just talking about the hood; there are middle class and upper class towns that have large black populations too and I wouldn’t suggest you live in these places either.

Let me just add that whether you’re dating IR or not, you should get out of the hood ASAP because you and yours are not safe there (physically and otherwise). And if you have minors in your home, they will have more opportunities (ex. educationally) if they don’t grow up in an impoverished area. Evia and some of the other BWE bloggers have written extensively about moving out of poor black neighborhoods, so please read their blogs if you’re still debating whether to move or not. (As a reminder, Evia’s blog is called “Black Female Interracial Marriage.”) If you can’t afford to relocate, try getting a roommate in your target town or even renting a space drastically smaller than what you have now, like a studio or a room in a house.

I hope all my single sisters out there find Mr. Right, regardless of what color his skin is.

*** Congratulations!!! ***
CW, who is one of the bw IR bloggers, recently got married. Congratulations, CW!

ADDITIONAL WORKSHOP + A REMINDER:
CW leads a very affordable E-seminar called “Building Upon the Change” that will help you transform your mindset and behavior to increase your likelihood of reaching your romance-related goals. This E-seminar has been very well-received by bw, so sign up so you too can start moving forward. CW is also the author of “Black Women Deserve Better.” Please check out her book and the books by the other bw IR bloggers that I referred to earlier in the post. As a reminder, the other books are: “Supposing I Want to Date a White Guy” and “Black Female Interracial Marriage.” Consider giving these books as birthday, Christmas and graduation gifts to other bw.

NOTE:
Please read the FYI section in the side-bar of this blog.

INTERVIEW:
Below is a link to an interview ChristianityToday did with Nicole C. Mullen (she and her husband are pictured at the beginning of this post). The article is titled “Black, White and Tan” and she discusses her marriage in it. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/peopleoffaith/profiles/13.36.html

HEALTH CORNER: Preventing Cancer
As we stand today, 2 out of 3 women in America will get cancer in their lifetime. For black women, the news is even bleaker, as we are twice as likely to suffer from a particularly deadly form of breast cancer (called triple negative breast cancer) than women of other races. Even when research controlled for income level, black women were more likely to be afflicted with triple negative breast cancer than non-black women. Here are a few links to more information on this topic:
Oprah Article: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200710_omag_rare_cancer
CNN Video 1: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/20/bia.tnbc.cnn
CNN Video 2: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/20/bia.tnbc.ghana.cnn

I think most of us know the typical information that has been presented to us about eating healthily (vegetables, whole wheat carbs, etc) and exercising, but those alone are not sufficient to drastically slash our risk of getting cancer. Living in our modern, industrialized world has poisoned our bodies with all sorts of toxins and we must reduce our exposure to these toxins and also remove them from our bodies. We all need to diligently research what else we can do on top of exercising and following the typical healthy food regimen to prevent us from becoming cancer victims. There’s a lot of information on the web and there are a ton of books out there too. Treat this like a major research project because the stakes are extremely high. Here are some links from The Cancer Prevention Coalition website to get you started, but don’t stop there:
What to Avoid 1: http://www.preventcancer.com/avoidable/
What to Avoid 2: http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/

After the Israeli government banned the use of certain pesticides in dairy cattle, there was a 34% drop in breast cancer deaths in Israel during a period when other countries were reporting dismal breast cancer statistics (1976-1986). Vegetarians have been found to be 50% less likely than meat-eaters to develop cancer because of the hormones injected in certain farm animals and the pesticides in the animals’ food. Consequently, as the Cancer Prevention Coalition website says, if you want to consume food from animals (ex. meat, milk, cheese, etc), then it is best to choose organic products. If you rely on milk for your calcium intake and can’t afford organic milk, then consider alternatives like vegetables (ex. broccoli) or high quality nutritional supplements to get your calcium.

FYI: Federal regulations ban the use of hormones (not pesticides or antibiotics though) in poultry. If organic meat and dairy is unaffordable for you, then a compromise is to reduce your intake of non-organic meat and dairy products. If, because of budget constraints, you can only buy a few organic food products, then prioritize organic meat/dairy products over organic vegetables and fruits; this is because non-organic food from animals contains 5 times more pesticides than non-organic produces does (since the farm animals are actually ingesting pesticide-laden feed). Btw, one naturopathic doctor has said that eliminating meat from your diet entirely results in nutritional deficiency--you may want to further investigate this claim if you’re considering going vegetarian.

Also, be open to adopting natural health cancer prevention practices. For example, fasting with fresh juices to cleanse your body of toxins and heal it or taking anti-cancer nutritional supplements like green tea extract. You may not like the idea of fasting, but with the alarming cancer rates in America, it is time to be bold. If you get hungry when doing a juice fast, you just drink some juice, so you’re not going to be starving. Here are some books on juice fasting for health purposes (start with the first book and, if you feel you need additional information, consider getting one or more of the others):
(1) "Juicing, Fasting, and Detoxing for Life: Unleash the Healing Power of Fresh Juices and Cleansing Diets"
(2) "Juice Fasting and Detoxification: Use the Healing Power of Fresh Juice to Feel Young and Look Great: The Fastest Way to Restore Your Health"
(3) "The Juice Fasting Bible: Discover the Power of an All-Juice Diet to Restore Good Health, Lose Weight and Increase Vitality"
(4) "How to Keep Slim, Healthy and Young With Juice Fasting"

You’ll find that many juice fasting books also promote that you permanently change your diet to a vegan or raw food one; if that’s not your speed, don’t let it discourage you from getting the most out of other parts of the book—namely, the sections on juice fasting, which is the main topic of the books in the first place.

You’ve probably heard a lot of people (even some in the natural health community) assert repeatedly that eating plenty of soy products will reduce your risk of breast cancer. However, there is a growing contingent of voices in the wilderness saying that consuming large quantities of soy products is actually dangerous and can even increase the risk of cancer. Dr Russel Blaylock is among those speaking out against soy; he is a respected brain surgeon and medical researcher who embraces natural healing practices. Here is a link that has some of Dr Blaylock’s statements about soy products: http://www.care2.com/news/member/917414322/611469

Dr Blaylock also recommends that women ask their doctors to use breast cancer detection technology other than a mammogram--for example, he says an MRI is preferable to a mammogram for detecting breast cancer; this is because the radiation emitted during a mammogram exam increases a healthy, cancer-free woman’s risk of breast cancer by anywhere from 1 - 3% per exam. If you’re getting a mammogram annually, over a 10-year period, your breast cancer risk (from the radiation only) will increase by 10 - 30%. And if a woman does have a cancerous breast tumor without knowing it, when her breasts are pressed against the mammogram machine to do the exam, the resulting pressure on her breasts can cause the cancer to spread even further. Read more here in the Blaylock Wellness Report (subscription required to see the whole report): http://w3.newsmax.com/blaylock/33a.cfm.

Aside: Once you finish your cancer prevention research, why don’t you start investigating steps to prevent Alzheimer’s disease? One step you can take is to take gingko giloba with cayenne pepper daily. You turbocharge the effect of the gingko by putting cayenne pepper into the liquid that you use to swallow the ginkgo capsules (ex. water, herbal tea); ginkgo alone is not that great of a herb for Alzheimer's prevention. Try starting with 1/16 of a teaspoon of cayenne pepper in 8 ounces of the liquid and gradually work your way up. Read more here about how cayenne pepper increases the effectiveness of supplements/ herbs when cayenne is taken in conjunction with them: http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/cayenne.htm.

Here are some more resources for your cancer prevention research, but they are just the tip of the iceberg:
(1) No Where to Run: http://www.fwhc.org/health/xeno.htm
(2) Blaylock Wellness Report: http://blaylockreport.com/ - If you find you disagree with some political statements he makes, just focus on the non-political content of his newsletter because that information can save your life.
(3) Book - "Super Natural Home: Improve Your Health, Home, and Planet--One Room at a Time"
(4) Consumer Lab (tests nutritional supplements so you know which brands are the best quality and provides summaries of research on effectiveness of a specific supplement to deliver health benefits): http://www.consumerlab.com/


Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Here are titles of a few of the other posts:

i) “More for Black Women Interested in Dating White Men and Other Non-Black Men" (this post covers arguments against some of the reasons you are told not to date interracially)
(ii) “Miscellaneous Advice for Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially”

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Read more...

Miscellaneous Additional Advice for Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially

Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, Germany and his wife, Princess Angela (formerly Angela Brown), are in the picture below. They met in New York City. Their love story is said to be well-known in Europe and is seen as a Cinderella-type romance.

Prince Maximilian & Princess Angela of Germany:

(1) FYI, I’ve heard that the following areas tend to be better for bw/non bm relationships: New York City, Boston, Washington DC/MD/VA tri-city area, Seattle, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco Bay area and San Jose. Minneapolis and Denver received honorable mention.

If you go on a bw forum and see a bw complaining about bad experiences with non-bm who only want to date, but nor marry her, don’t jump to conclusions and give up on IR dating. First of all, I am no Pollyanna; I know we live in a country where there is still racism and I know there are non-bm who will date a bw casually, but not marry her. I also know that there are black men who will just date a bw casually and not marry her. This is not only a non-bm issue, so why only exclude them from your dating pool?

Ladies, you have to vet, vet, vet guys and realize that, even after vetting, most women are going to kiss many frogs before they meet their prince. And keep in mind that marriage rates in the U.S. are declining, so fewer men are marrying any woman regardless of her race. When some bw say they’ve been dating non-bm who won’t consider bw for marriage, find out where these women live. I’ve been on some bw IR forums and heard women like this only to find out that they live in a city that is unfriendly to IR dating for bw. Of course, as a group, bw living in Atlanta or Memphis are going to have fewer and worse IR dating experiences than bw who live in New York City or Frankfurt (Germany) or Amsterdam (The Netherlands). (New York, Frankfurt and Amsterdam are examples of cities that are IR-friendly for bw.)

You’ve got to go where the action is. If you can’t physically go, go virtually by accessing men from IR-friendly cities via dating sites and be open to long-distance relationships. Also, as a bw, you have an advantage with a lot of men from certain European countries, so many of you need to exercise the European option (with or without living in Europe). How does one exercise the European option without living there? Remember that there are European men who live in the U.S. that you can date and also some people have been able to enjoy international long-distance relationships that have led to marriage.


(2) Work on your internal and external beauty. Here are a few tips:

(2.i) Consider getting a physical makeover. Honestly evaluate whether your hairstyle is the best one for your face. If you decide on getting a weave or braids, save money by getting a friend to do your hair for free and do hers for free. If you don’t know how to do weaves or braids, learn by using affordable videos. Do a google search on “learn how to braid hair” or “learn how to do a weave.” Practice what you learn on one of those “head-only” mannequins you can buy at the beauty supply stores. By the way, some people do their own weaves/braids.

If you get sick of the quality of the hair extensions for weaves at the local beauty supply stores, go to online forums and ask for advice on some quality hair extensions that you can re-use. There are companies in New York City that sell good quality hair extensions- some are very high-priced, so ask around for moderately-priced, good quality products.

Also ask yourself if you're using the most flattering make-up options and colors for your face. If you don’t use eye make-up like eye shadow and/or eye liner, why not try it? Using a black eye liner to outline the entire eye is a very flattering look for many bw. If you don’t know how to do it, google “how to apply eye liner” and I’m sure you’ll find articles or videos. You apply the eye liner to the area underneath your eye PLUS you apply the eye liner to the bottom of your eye lid. Why not also try a hint of blush to see if you like it? If you typically wear more earth- colored lipsticks, change it up sometimes and try colors with more kick—like Ravishing Red or Wicked Wine (don’t google these names because I just made them up).

(2.ii) Take steps to continually reinforce (or rebuild, for some people) your appreciation of black women’s beauty and, specifically, your own beauty. It will make you more confident.

I’ve seen a number of comments by various women on black women’s blogs on how they do this. Here’s an amalgamation of what these ladies have to say— I really love their common sense:

· Recognize that we live in a society where we are bombarded with images and messages that tell us subtly and not-so-subtly that black women’s beauty is inferior to that of white women. You do not have to let these images and messages shape your thinking. You take charge. You take ownership of what you think about your looks.

· Turn down the volume on the sources of these images and messages when you reasonably can. (I saw this on Evia’s 12/12/09 blog post in her response to a reader’s letter. Please be sure to read her post in its entirety because there’s good stuff there.) For example, reduce or end your consumption of celebrity gossip and fashion magazines and websites.

· Turn UP the volume on the sources of images and messages that celebrate the beauty of black women. Guess what? YOU should be one of those sources. Regularly search for pictures of lovely black women of all skin tones, with thin noses and round noses, with full lips and thin lips (try here: LINK 1 and here: LINK 2 for pictures). Don’t limit yourself to pictures of singers/models/actresses. Also search for pictures of everyday, average cute black women. Average cute looks are nothing to be ashamed of. Not everyone is going to be stunningly beautiful—even many supermodels of various races aren’t beautiful. Download the pictures on your PC and create an album. Look at these pictures everyday and, as you do, make statements affirming the beauty of the woman you are looking at. On a daily basis, go to the mirror, smile at yourself and make statements affirming your beauty ex. I am cute/pretty/gorgeous/beautiful/attractive/whatever positive thing you want to say; you can also try focusing on a specific part of your face sometimes--like your high cheekbones or fabulous smile. You may actually want to do the exercises more than once a day—play it by ear and do it as many times as you feel you need to.

Note: Most sensible men are not going to base their decision to marry a woman solely on their physical attraction to her. They will look at the whole package of what you have to offer (values, personality, intellectual pursuits, etc) and evaluate how in-sync it is with them. Value yourself as a whole package. Celebrate your good looks, but also every other good thing you are bringing to a relationship.

I recently saw some comments a young woman wrote a few years ago about her looks. She’s a pretty girl, but she wrote that she felt unattractive and my heart just ached that her self-view was so warped. It seemed to me that someone /people had been speaking poison into that poor girl for a long time. So, what if you do these beauty affirmations for years and after all that time, you just can’t believe your face is attractive?

First, if God wants you to marry (and we know from Genesis 2:18 that He wants most of us to do so), the husband He has for you is going to think you’re adorable. Remember, you’re looking for the husband that God has designed for YOU, the unique individual, not the husband he designed for Tyra Banks or Mary Doe Nubian who lives down the street. Did some guy just reject you because he felt you weren‘t fine enough for him? Well then, he’s NOT the one God has set apart for you, so don’t waste another moment thinking about what he did. Don’t you know there are a lot of women walking around married to men who were really designed to be married to someone else? You don’t want to be one of those women, so you should be glad old boy decided to take a pass. You don’t want to be stuck married to a man who God really set apart for another.

Second, remember what I said before: you are a whole package. Your degree of facial attractiveness is just one attribute in that package. When you walk out of the door, it’s not a face that walks out of the door, but a whole woman--a whole woman who has a variety to offer including her values, personality, goals, interests, etc. Appreciate your whole package. That doesn’t mean you should let yourself go physically; as every woman should, make the best of what you have- do your hair and make-up nicely and keep your body in shape. If you have a medical problem that causes you to be overweight, do the best that you can with what you’ve got and keep valuing yourself as a WHOLE package. You’re going to make a fabulous gift that was uniquely designed for the man who is to be your husband. Read the Sharon Jaynes book, "Experience the Ultimate Makeover: Discovering God's Transforming Power" that will help you appreciate the gift that you are.

And by the way, the cute black girl I mentioned earlier who felt unattractive is now married to a non-bm who adores her. Based on the information on the girl's website, the guy is a committed Christian (be inspired, dedicated Christian women!), and, from the sound of his name, I believe he is European. You ladies need to exercise your European option. I hope some of you are seriously contemplating joining BlackAmericanBrides.com (the marriage introduction service). From the website, it seems several bw have already met their European husbands through the organization.

(2.ii) Lose weight if you need to (and don’t forget the health benefits).

(2.iii) If you feel don’t feel good about yourself because of prior life experiences, work on improving your self-esteem. Go to Amazon.com and do a search on books written by the Christian author, Sharon Jaynes. Or see the Miscellaneous Links section of this blog for links to 2 books by Sharon Jaynes.

(2.iv) If you have a bad attitude, you need to work on that because it will most likely alienate people eventually. The goal is to have inner strength without having a difficult personality (I have written a post on what I did to work on my bad attitude titled "Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen - Emotional Healing for Black Women").

(2.v) If you feel you don't have a difficult personality, but have anger, grief and/or bitterness lingering in your heart, read my post titled "Emotional Healing for Black Women."


(3) Online and offline, you may encounter people making venomous comments about black women who are open to dating interracially. Remember, you are FREE women. You are free to date any unmarried man that you please. These black guys attacking bw are trying to make you feel unattractive to other races of men so you will feel bm are your only option and you will remain in bondage to them. They want you to feel lucky when they decide to “give you the honor” of asking for your phone number. They want to feel like the peacock and they want you to feel like the desperate one. Due to the shortage of available bm, there are so many guys in our community luxuriating in the black man’s dating privilege. One of the reasons bw who date interracially are under such rabid attack from certain bm is that they realize that once you start exploring your other options, that will start eating away at the black man’s dating privilege. They won’t be such a hot commodity anymore.

Take control NOW of what your eyes see and what your ears hear. Be extremely selective about the You Tube videos you watch. If certain forum topics on Topix.com, BlackPlanet, AOL Voices, etc have an abundance of folks making vicious statements about black women, then do a cost-benefit analysis to determine if it is worth continuing to read/participate in those particular forum topics. For me, I’ve decided that some of those forums topics are a good medium to share helpful information with other bw, so I typically will just write my post and go; I don’t read plenty of comments on such forum topics—just a few written by people who have a history of being reasonable—and I rarely get into a back-and-forth with people. (My hope is that the bw who still choose to be avid readers/active participants on those forum topics will at least be helped by the information I share.)

People are trying to damage your sense of worth with their vile words, but you don’t have to imbibe them. You have the power to control what you view. Refuse to be kept in bondage by the words of bitter people. Let me just add that some of you also need to refuse to be kept in bondage by your fear of stepping out of your comfort zone or by any resentment you may feel towards people of other races.

For so many bw, you’re in your comfort zone with black guys and it is understandable because you’ve been socialized to believe that they are the only men who should be your romantic partners. You have to ask yourself: “Is my black-man-only stance working for me?” Are you in a happy, committed, growing relationship with a black man who is good husband material? If not, it’s time to expand your dating horizons, so you can increase your likelihood of finding Mr Right. Your black-man-only stance means you’re ignoring about 88% of the single men in America. If you’re bypassing 88% of single men in the US, of course your chances of finding Mr Right are going to be very slim. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone, ladies!

When I encourage bw to include non-bm in their dating pool, I'm in no way implying that all bm are unsuitable for marriage. There are some good, single black men, but there are way too few of them to go around. Ladies, instead of waiting, very possibly endlessly, and hoping for one of the relatively few quality black guys to show up and marry you, it is time to expand your territory to include the quality non-black men. One bw commenter online quoted the Patti LaBelle song, “New Attitude” to celebrate her freedom from the oppression of dating black men only. Sing it, ladies: “I tidied up my point of view. I’ve got a new attitude!”

My emphasis is that: (i) you should be open to dating men of all races and (ii) you should screen out all non-quality guys, regardless of their race. By the way, a doctor who is arrogant because he thinks he’s God’s gift to women is NOT a quality guy. On the other hand, a man with little money who is working his way through college and treats you like a queen may very well be a quality guy. When screening a man, you should evaluate his personality, values/religious beliefs, education/ intellectual pursuits, etc, not just his career accomplishments or physical attributes. As the saying goes, all that glitters is not gold.

(4) Regardless of the race of the man, don’t blow off a guy because you don’t like the current job he’s holding. Focus on what his vision is for his career and what CONCRETE steps he’s taking to achieve that vision. You may be college-educated with a good job and a clerk at the grocery store who seems like a nice guy asks you out. Before you decline his advances, find out more about him. How do you know he’s not working his way through college? How do you know he’s not studying for the LSAT (law school admission exams) in preparation to go to law school?

By the way, if you don’t have your degree, it is extremely unreasonable for you to insist that all the men you date have their degree. If you don’t have your degree and a man approaches you that doesn’t have his, can’t the two of you make the journey of educational improvement together?

The key reason a woman with a degree should be careful about dating someone who doesn’t have one is that men often become resentful in those types of relationships. You don’t want a day to come when the two of you are debating a topic and he erupts with, “You think you’re so smart because you went to college.” Others have said some men in this sort of situation are uncomfortable around the woman’s friends and colleagues who have degrees. Some people are able to make this type of relationship work, though. There are men that are confident enough that they don’t care, but it is a lot to ask of a guy. If you’re in a dating relationship like this, you should make sure you don’t talk down to your man when you’re angry or frustrated.

Also keep in mind that some people may not have a good formal education, but they may be curious about the world and make it a priority to feed their minds anyway. I dated a man like that once and he was very comfortable in a room filled with people who had one or more degrees. Let’s be frank, though; guys like him are few and far between.


(5) DO NOT date men from countries where arranged marriages are common. It is too risky. Examples of such countries are India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Nepal. They typically will date American women and act like they are free-thinkers who will stand up to their families; however, eventually, the vast majority of these guys will leave the American girl to marry the girl their parents have selected for them. Even if the guy is a U.S. citizen, but he grew up in a country known for arranged marriages, stay away from him. If the guy grew up in America, that is a different story because he probably won’t be open to an arranged marriage.

I know there’s a blog written by one black woman who is married to a guy from India, and sure, there may be a few other one-in-a million examples that don’t jive with what I’m saying; however, don’t let those isolated examples contribute to the blueprint for your life. The probability of a relationship with men from these countries leading to marriage is virtually nil. You don’t have time to be playing Russian roulette by entering extremely high-risk relationships. We know that, time-wise, the stakes are higher for a woman than a man in a dating relationship. You should therefore stay away from a man when you know going into the relationship that there is a 99.9% chance he will not marry you and spend your time on relationships that have a higher chance of being successful.

By the way, if you and your guy are over 23, have been dating for over 1 year and he isn’t ready to marry you, re-evaluate the relationship. One year should generally be long enough to know whether you want to marry a person. (I know there are extreme cases where exceptions must be made--for example, if he’s in the military and was deployed abroad for much of the year you’ve been together).


(6) A bw online wrote that bw should add “- Race Unimportant” at the end of their profile caption when on a dating website so non-bm will know instantly that you are open to all races. (Alternately, you can add “- Open to All Races” at the end of your profile caption.) When guys do a search on women’s profiles, the search results will show your picture, profile caption and a few lines from your profile. It’s not every person who will actually click a profile to see if a woman has race preferences. Instead, they may just make assumptions that black women only date black men. You increase your likelihood of attracting more guys by indicating upfront that you’re open to all races. Let’s say for the sake of illustration that your profile caption is “ABCD EFGH,” just add “Race Unimportant” or “Open to All Races” at the end so the caption becomes “ABCD EFGH – Race Unimportant” or “ABCD EFGH – Open to All Races.”

(7) Ladies, unless the non-bm you're talking to says he exclusively dates bw, please don't ask him why he's interested in bw. It comes across as if you have an inferiority complex and think bw are unworthy of love from non-bm. I'm sure most of the women reading this don't really feel inferior to non-bm, but that is how you come across when you ask that question. Now, if at some point in your discussions with this non-bm, he says he only dates bw, it is very appropriate to ask him why--because when people date one race exclusively, it is typically their own. I don't think you automatically have to write off a non-bm because he only dates bw though.

Please try your utmost to be aware of how you are presenting yourself wherever you go –both on the Internet and offline. A friend told me that an older, married man at a church had been watching a young single lady there for very long time, unbeknownst to her. They interacted frequently, but she didn’t know he had any special interest in her. After a while, he approached her to say he was impressed with the way she carried herself and he thought she would be a great match for a younger, single relative of his. My friend said the lady is now happily married to the man’s relative that she was introduced to.

Similarly, I was at store several years ago (in my single days) and I was conversing with the proprietor. I made a philosophical comment that one of the patrons overheard. My statement intrigued him and he decided to pursue me romantically. I was seeing someone else at the time, so I ended up not dating this man from the store; however, my point is that you never know who is watching you and evaluating whether you could be good romantic partner for somebody they know or for themselves. You have to properly manager your image.

A while ago, I saw a bw on a public message board, with her picture posted, making comments about her insecurities. There were several men who posted on the message board, some of whom were single and actively seeking a girlfriend. The statements she was making would surely drive a lot of the men on the message board away from her. People are attracted to those with a healthy self esteem. I’m sure some guys who are users and abusers would be drawn to her after reading her comments, but who wants that type of guy? Since she had her picture up there, an abuser/user who saw her picture on the message board enough times would be able to identify her even if he met her at a different venue; he’d think to himself, “Yeah, that’s the one with the hang-ups, so I can exploit her.” And Google would probably archive the web page she posted on for perpuity.

There is a time and place for everything. I know we all need advice and encouragement sometimes. A better venue to post about her insecurities online while displaying a picture would have been a membership-only forum that is for like-minded black women. Even a membership-only forum can be infiltrated by meddlesome deceivers, but at least the membership application hoops they have to jump through may serve as a deterrent to some of them. I’m not saying never post your picture online because I’ve seen people who do this while being responsible about it —they don’t divulge information about themselves that could come back and bite them in the behind in the future. (If you have issues with your self-esteem, I’m very sensitive to your pain and I sincerely hope for healing for you. Please check out the two books I’ve listed that address self-esteem concerns in women in the “Misc Links” section of this blog. Or get the names of the books from bullet 2 of this post.)


Lastly, please remember that the image you project wherever you go has the power to reinforce negative stereotypes about bw or chip away at them.


(8) I caution you against inter-faith marriages, and therefore, inter-faith dating. I know it’s not the cool thing to say, but there are many attitudes that are acceptable in our society that can be harmful to people in the long-run. Even if you and the man in question are not devout followers of your respective faiths, inter-faith marriages are just too risky. What happens if the guy later decides to re-dedicate himself to following his religion after you marry him? Or how about if you later decide to re-dedicate yourself to following your religion? There is a high likelihood of intractable conflict in either case.



If the key tenets of your faith contradict his, how can you in good conscience say that you will raise your children to follow both religions, as is common in inter-faith marriages? You could find yourself in the position of allowing the mind of your innocent 10-year-old to be filled with theology you believe to be wrong or even sinful. After a religious leader at your husband’s house of worship has taught your kid a concept you don’t believe in, instead of telling your child it is wrong and why it is wrong, you’ll be reduced to tip-toeing around the issue so you do not offend your husband, his family, etc. I firmly believe in inter-faith friendships, inter-faith cooperation to fight community and global problems and ignoring a person’s religion when hiring and promoting individuals in the workplace. Inter-faith marriages, however, are not prudent.

I knew a woman who was in an inter-faith relationship. Religion did not play a big role in either her life or the guy’s, so they thought they’d be able to accommodate each other—and they did, but only for a while. Just as they had reached a major milestone in their relationship, the man became very serious about his religion and the relationship went bust. Fortunately for her, his religious re-dedication happened before they decided to get married, so no marriage occurred.

If you have a religious affiliation (even if you consider yourself non-practicing) and the man is an atheist or agnostic, still leave him be because you can have the same problems as in an inter-faith marriage. I was listening to a radio advice show several years ago and a woman called in because she was having marital problems. When she had married her husband, he had been an atheist and she had considered herself almost a non-practicing Christian. She later dedicated her life to Jesus and her decision caused strife in her marriage. When she would read Bible stories to their son, her husband would make disparaging statements about the Bible. When she wanted to take their son to church, her husband would object. Her husband would repeatedly make disrespectful comments about Christianity, ignoring how his words offended her. The best “solution” for this sort of case is to do everything within your power (within reason) not to be in a relationship like this in the first place.

Someone may say, “Well, there’s also a risk that a guy with the same religious background as me may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system. There’s also the risk I may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system.” Well, with human nature being what it is, people are more likely to re-dedicate their lives to the religion they were raised in than to convert to another religion entirely. I know every marriage (whether inter-faith or intra-faith, interracial or intra-racial, etc) has inherent risks; you won’t be able to remove every type of risk before entering a marriage, but you can take reasonable steps to reduce certain risks. Steering clear of dating men of other faiths or opposing religious beliefs is one of those reasonable steps you can take to avoid future chaos in your marriage.

Incidentally, there may be some people of faith reading this that balk at the fact that I used the terminology ”re-dedicating themselves to their religion,” as opposed to “re-dedicating themselves to God.” I used the terminology so that it could be generic enough to apply to various religions, some of which don’t hold to a belief in God or any gods per se.

(9) Here’s a website that you can use to do a background search on someone you meet online: http://www.datingdetective.net/

Read articles and a book on online dating so you can learn from the knowledge and experience of others. Try to get a book, not just an article, because a book will cover more scenarios. By the way, I’ve heard women (not just bw) say that you should date multiple men until you and a guy decide to be exclusive. This is better than just focusing on one guy that you like and freaking out if he doesn’t call you exactly when you hoped he would--meanwhile, dude is dating you, Keisha, Peggy Sue, Tameka and Laura too.

Also, I was reading a bw’s online magazine recently and a bw wrote about something sneaky that a guy she was dating did. He told her he had removed his profile from the dating website where they met, so she told him she would do the same. She went online to delete her profile, but first decided to verify that he had really deleted his. It turned out that he had not; instead, he had just blocked her username from being able to view his profile. She was able to tell he was deceiving her because she had another username that he didn’t know about and her friend also saw his profile on the dating site. Hmmmm… Make sure you do some investigative work like this bw when you’re doing the whole online dating thing.


(10) Don’t just post a profile on a dating website. Also read men’s profiles and email those who you’re interested in getting to know. You’re not breaking some unwritten rule by doing this—it is perfectly allowable online since the guy posted his profile. Now, in the offline (real) world, I wouldn’t suggest approaching a man because a guy will most likely see you as desperate or loose if you do that.

If you encounter an interesting man on a blog or discussion board on a non-dating website, don’t make the first move. I’ve seen women approach men for romantic purposes on message boards of non-dating websites; even I was embarrassed for them because it looked so awkward—despite the fact that some of them tried to be somewhat subtle in the wording of their posts. If it’s on the blog/forum of a dating website, just send an email; don’t try to contact him on the blog/forum. Also, don’t initiate instant message (IM) communication with unknown men on those dating websites because it is too similar to approaching a guy offline. Emailing is better because it is doesn’t require an instant reply, so there’s less pressure on both of you. If you and the guy have already communicated, I see nothing wrong with initiating IM communication sometimes; if you’re the one who is always doing the initiating, obviously, that is a sign the guy’s not that into you.

(11) Women have said repeatedly that meetup.com is a great way to meet guys. I mentioned the website when I was writing about ways to meet men from Europe living in America, but there are so many other meetup groups built around a myriad of interests. For example, there are dinner clubs, book clubs, movie clubs, volunteer groups, etc. Just go to meetup.com and do a search on your hobbies and other activities/subjects that interest you. If there is no meet-up group in your area for the subject/activity you’re looking for, you can indicate you are interested in such a group and you’ll be added to a list of interested people. If enough folks indicate interest in a group forming, someone will probably start the group (by the way, that someone can be you). Also try interracial.meetup.com to see if you find any group of interest in your city.


(12) Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group – It is great place to ask questions and give/get support. However, on occasion, you may see someone making a sexual comment that is inappropriate. I would suggest that you don’t cancel your subscription because someone writes an offensive comment – just move to the next message or topic.


(13) Here are some other interracial dating websites (I mentioned some others in my previous post, “For Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially”):
Blackandwhitesingles.com (FREE), interracialmatcher.com, interracialluv.com


(14) Beware of scammers on dating sites—they are usually abroad, will give you a sob story about adversity in their lives (ex. wife and children died in a car crash) and eventually ask you for money.


(15) In every race, there are men who behave like dirt bags, so, naturally, you must screen any of your prospects. However, if you have some bad experiences with some men in a particular race, that doesn’t mean you should give up on all men of that race—this applies to bm and non-bm.

(16) Here is a post on Evia’s blog that covers online dating for bw: http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2009/10/moving-on-bwsign-up-with-online-dating-sites-you-only-need-one-mr-right.html

(17) Here is a post on Sara's blog, "Interracial Love and Spice," on how to determine whether a non-bm you're seeing is truly interested in you or just wants to sleep with you/satisfy his curiosity about dating a bw: http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/2009/11/is-he-looking-for-true-love-or.html


Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

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Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 1

There are a lot of non-black men in Western and Northern Europe who love black women. BW say the non-bm in Europe are generally more open-minded when it comes to relationships with bw than their brethren over here in the U.S. As I have said, there are non-bm dating and marrying bw in the U.S. too, but there is certainly room for improvement, especially in certain parts of the country. (In part 2 of the “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” series, I will discuss an African-American woman’s 3 options if she wants to date men from Europe.)


A Couple of Success Stories
Below is a link to the blog of an African-American woman who had an international long-distance relationship with a man who lived in France and later moved there to marry him. She and her then-boyfriend used to see each other once a month.

By the way, I’ve heard that organizations in Europe give their employees months of vacation annually, so if you’re dating someone who lives in Europe, he can probably stay for much longer than a weekend when he visits you in the U.S. http://mysocalledlifeinfrance.blogspot.com/
This is a link to the blog of a black Canadian woman who had an international long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Italy and later married him: http://enroute2padova.blogspot.com/.


Summary of Black Women’s Romance-Related Experiences in Europe
Here is a summary of what black women have said about their romance-related experiences when in certain European countries:

(i)Germany, Ireland (Republic of Ireland , not the Ireland that’s part of the UK) - Many, many guys were heavily interested in bw

(ii) Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland, Iceland (Scandinavian /Northern European countries) – Many, many guys were heavily interested in bw

(iii) Spain and Italy – Bw were treated like goddesses by many guys (one bw said men were proposing on the first day they met her). However, the non-black men were very racist toward black men, especially the soccer players. Another bw said that bw in Spain don’t date Spanish guys because since there are a ton of African prostitutes in Spain, the Spanish guys equate bw with prostitutes. There are a lot of African prostitutes in Italy too, but there have been reports from bw that there are plenty of men in Italy who do marry bw. (I have heard that Italian society tends to have more of a tolerance for a husband’s adultery than we do in America—you should research to see if this is true before getting involved with a man from Italy.)

(iv) France – Many guys were interested in bw, but the interest was not as extreme as in some of the above countries. (Do you really need guys pursuing you in an extreme manner anyway? I mean, who really needs men proposing to her on the first day of meeting her? It’ll be good for an ego boost, but the ego boost will likely be followed by thoughts that the guy lacks sound judgment.) Let me re-emphasize: Bw said there were still a lot of men chasing them in France, but the guys weren’t behaving like fanatics. There have been reports of tons of bw/wm marriages in Paris. By the way, unlike the above countries, France has its own significant population of black folks.

(v) Britain (UK) – Good opportunities for interracial relationships for bw. One bw said your prospects may not be as much as in France. You’ll have more interracial dating opportunities than the U.S., but you will be treated like a normal, attractive woman, not like a goddess with people proposing on the first day they meet you. The reports I have heard are that bw from the U.S. consider London a breath of fresh air when it comes to IR dating and they like it. Black British people are 12% of the population, so you won’t have the “exotic” edge as you would in a place with much fewer black people (like Germany, for example).

Some of you may not like the idea of being seen as exotic. I don’t think it’s any more shallow than when a man and woman of the same race meet each other and he is physically attracted to her. Oftentimes, it is the physical attraction that spurs him to then want to get to know her better. The problem is not if a non-bm considers you exotic. It is if it stops there and he doesn’t get to know you as an individual. Keep in mind a person can value you as an individual and still appreciate your physical qualities. Even in a same-race relationship, a husband will praise his wife’s physical attributes. If you have a good, well-rounded relationship with your non-bm and he says he likes your skin, for example, don’t start acting all weird about it. Just accept the compliment graciously.

Here is an excerpt from a post on interracial dating in London on a blog authored by an African-American woman who is in graduate school there (americanblackchickinlondon.blogspot.com):

One thing that took me by surprise the first time I came to London (this is my 3rd time living here) was the number of interracial couples. I'm accustomed to seeing some interracial couples in Atlanta. But in my hometown (at least growing up) when I saw interracial couples the composition was normally white guy/Asian girl, black guy/white girl, black guy/Asian girl or black guy/Hispanic girl. See where I'm going with this? Rarely did I see black chicks like myself in interracial relationships. When I moved to NYC, interracial couples were much more prevalent, especially couples that included black chicks. But my first time really seeing black women in interracial relationships was when I came to England for a study abroad program in 2003.

And I must admit, this is yet another aspect of London that I love, probably because I do date interracially. It trips me out when I see an advert with an interracial couple which includes a black female, such as the Banana Republic ad I saw in my copy of The Economist last week, or when I watch EastEnders (a popular, long running Brit soap) and there are black women paired with non-black men. Nothing about the ad, the show or the interracial couples in general scream "Hey, look at us! We're different!" or "Look at our interracial love fighting all the odds against us!" In fact, the shows and ads are presented in a very matter of fact way and no real attention is drawn to the fact that half of the couple happens to be a black chick. I suppose in London, such couples really aren't different. To me at least, it seems to be the norm as opposed to Atlanta where it's the exception.

Non-Black American Woman Agrees that BW Are More Appreciated in Europe

See the following link to read about a non-black, American woman’s surprise that white men were chasing after black women so much when she traveled all over Europe with her friends. Note: this is the same link that I had in my blog post titled “For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race.”
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvnfqD8Uawu52srnPPDjDl2.7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080819081827AAEON3z.

Racism in Europe
Be extremely cautious with men from Eastern Europe. Eastern European countries spent decades cut off from the rest of the world while they were communist, so the people there are generally not as open to black folks as those from other European countries. I’m not saying there isn’t racism towards black people in Northern and Western Europe because there is, but generally not as much as in Eastern Europe. Below is a link to the blog of a black woman who is living in Norway (Northern Europe). She seems to like it there, in general, but doesn’t sugar-coat the fact that racism exists in Norway. See her post on how a black female minister was treated by the press (Mar 9, 2008 post titled “Africans in Norway from the 17th Century”). As you read through the blog, you may be curious about her love life –she mentions it in one of her Jan 3, 2008 posts called “The Holidays”-after the Ode to Tracey Ross. http://nigerianwomaninnorway.blogspot.com

Read the next post in the series: “Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 2.”

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Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 2

OPTIONS FOR DATING MEN FROM EUROPE

There are 3 main options for dating European guys: you meet a European man in the U.S., you enter an international long-distance relationship while you remain in the U.S. OR you move to Europe for school and/or work.

(A) Meeting a European guy in the U.S.
(1) Look for events and activities sponsored by an organization that is celebrating /showcasing the culture/arts/cuisine of a specific European country. Go to the events to expand your horizons and enjoy yourself, so if you happen not to meet anyone you’re interested in at a particular event, you won’t feel like it was a waste of your time. If you decided not to go alone, try to take at least one non-black female friend with you to signal that you are open to other races. Also, perhaps there is a restaurant that serves the cuisine of that country that folks from that European country visit. Perhaps you can have lunch there on a Saturday with or without friends.

By the way, after you’ve found the groups that sponsor these events, post the information online, so other bw can know about them. Perhaps you can post a message on the Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group. (Use key terms in your post that you think bw may search on when looking for information on this topic-ex. “places to meet European men” or “where to meet men from Europe.” At the bottom of your post, write the various key terms bw may do a search on. Ask other ladies in the Yahoo group to post similar information using the key terms so other bw can find the posts later.) Also, you can ask a Black Women IR blogger to create an area on her blog where bw from all over the country can post similar information.

How can you find the groups that sponsor the types of events I mentioned? First, select a European country.
(a) Do a google search on the name of your city and the country. For instance, search on “German AND New York City.” Also try other variations like “Germany AND New York City” or “Germans AND New York City.” Ex., a group of Germans has an organization called “Germany In New York City.” See link: http://www.germanyinnyc.org/

(b) Phone the following places to find out if someone can tell you if they know of an organization/group that holds events in your city to celebrate/showcase the specific European country’s culture/arts/cuisine:
i) the country’s consulate in your city. You can find out if the country has a consulate in your city by doing a google search (ex. search on “Norwegian Consulate Minneapolis”). Alternately, you can phone the country’s embassy in Washington DC to find out if they have a consulate in your city (or they may list the consulate on the embassy website). If you live in DC, the embassy of the European country may be able to tell you about events in the DC area.
ii) a university in your area that teaches the country’s language. Ask some of the professors that teach the language.

(c) Go to the following websites to find out if someone can tell you if they know of an organization/group that holds events in your city to celebrate/showcase the specific European country’s culture/arts/cuisine:
i) Topix.com:

- First, select the forum for the capital city of the European country. (You can also select the forum for the city that is the country’s commercial capital--for some countries like the U.S. and Germany, the political and commercial capital are not the same.) Post a question there. A European living in the U.S. may go to the Topix forum for his country as one way to catch up on what is going on back home. It’s acceptable to write in English because if a European can’t read English, they most likely aren’t living in the U.S.

- Second, go to the forum for your home city and post the question. Also ask if folks know of a general international festival like the one they have in Houston, where countries from all over the world are represented.
ii) The Expat Network: http://www.expat-blog.com/en/network/north-america . The website has a network (directory of people), forums and blogs for foreigners living in America. Click the link for the European country you’re interested in. Contact those from the European country you have in mind that live in your city and perhaps they can answer your question.

(2) Learn the language of a particular European country and practice it with Europeans from that country who are living in the U.S. (You can use Rosetta Stone to learn the language). Meetup.com has expatriate groups for natives of various European countries who are living outside their homeland. The meet-up groups are also for non-natives of the European country who speak its language (that would be you once you learn the language). Here are some expatriate meetup webpages: expatGerman.meetup.com. expatFrench.meetup.com, expatItalian.meetup.com, expatSwedish.meetup.com, etc. Let’s take http://expatGerman.meetup.com, for example. The webpage has a list of meetup groups for Germans/German-speakers living outside Germany. Once on the exptriate meetup webpage for your selected country, browse the webpage to find meetup groups in your city. If there’s not one in your city, add yourself to the list of people who would be interested in joining such a group and you’ll be alerted if a group starts. Each expat webpage on meetup.com (ex. http://expatGerman.meetup.com/) has its own message board. The message board is another place where you can post a question about groups/organizations in your city that showcase the country’s culture/arts and cuisine; the message board is for all expatriates from a specific European country living all over the world, so specify that you’re in the U.S. and give the name of your city. It’s acceptable to write in English because if a European can’t read English, they most likely aren’t in the U.S.

(3) Here is a list of a few of the websites that may be help for meeting Europeans in America:
http://www.madeinitalynyc.com/ social events organized by Italians – New York Ciy
http://www.germanyinnyc.org/ - New York City

http://www.scandinaviahouse.org/ - New York City


(Aside: I know this series of posts is about dating men from Europe, but when you’re on dating sites, check out the profiles of non-black guys in Canada too. I’ve heard bw are finding love with non-bm over there. Target Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. If you marry a foreign non-bm and decide to move to his country, please consider having the wedding in the U.S. so it can encourage more bw to wake up and start opening up to interracial dating.)

Even if you are not interested in section B (below) on entering international long distance relationships, please be sure to read the paragraph at the end of the page titled "Avoiding Guys that are Users." The principle outlined there can help you whether your dating prospect is in the U.S. or abroad.

(B) Entering into an International Long-Distance Relationship with a Man in Europe
(1) Try these dating websites: AfroIntroductions.com, Interracial Dating Central. There are a lot of non-black guys from Europe on these websites looking for black women. When doing a search, just select a European country to be the location. Someone who has used Interracial Dating Central has said all the men from Europe that she interacted with from that website were always willing to travel to the United States to meet her.

Here are a few other international dating sites where you can meet Canadian and/or European men:

(i) http://BlackAmericanBrides.com/ – It is an introduction service for those who are marriage-ready and it will link black women with men overseas or with military men in the U.S.

(ii) http://BlackFemaleScandinavianMarriage.com/ (for black women and Scandinavian men)

(iii) http://www.wdating.com/

(iv) http://www.internationalcupid.com/

(v) http://www.lavaplace.com/

(vi) http://www.LuvFree.com/

(vii) http://www.BlackBridesInternational.com/ (notice this is different from BlackAmericanBrides.com)

(viii) http://www.europeankiss.com/

Also, though Plenty Of Fish doesn’t market itself as an international dating site per se, it does have members from all over the world.

(2) Pick a European country and learn the language (with Rosetta Stone software, for example). Go into international chat rooms to practice the language with people from that country. Who knows who you can meet that way? Earlier, I supplied the link to the blog of an AA woman who moved to France to marry her boyfriend. She met her boyfriend by going on to an international chat room to practice a European language she was learning. One other AA woman said she has met men in Europe this way. She said she used ICQ chat. Once you are able to read and write quite well in the European language, you can expand your dating pool on the dating websites mentioned above because you will no longer be limited to the guys who write their profiles in English. You will also be able to use one of Match.com's European websites. Have a look at the following link and you will see that Match.com has 17 European dating websites—for example, Match.com Germany and Match.com Sweden: http://www.match.com/matchus/international/index.aspx.

(3) Another option is to visit a European country on vacation (make sure you’ve done your prep work by learning the language). Keep in mind that few people are going to meet the love of their life on a 2-week vacation, so go there primarily to enjoy yourself and if you meet someone, great. You can also combine #1, 2 and 3.

Success Story:

One older bw said that she has found that non-black men in America who are middle-aged or older are less likely to actually marry a bw. She believes this is because they were brought up in an era where interracial relationships with bw were more taboo than they are today. She said she and her friends who are in their 50s decided they would visit Germany to look for non-black husbands and they were successful in their search.

Avoiding Guys that are Users:

Please note: It is possible for an industrialized nation in Europe (not just Eastern Europe) to have such chronically high unemployment that some of its citizens want to emigrate to somewhere like the U.S. I am not referring to unemployment caused by the global recession, but a persistently high unemployment even when there is no worldwide economic crisis. If you are looking at dating site profiles of men from a country with chronically high unemployment (ex. France), you need to take some extra precautions; you want to minimize the risk that a guy just wants to marry you so he can come here to find a good job. One example of a precaution you can take is having stricter requirements for the sort of job a prospective suitor holds compared to your standards for someone in the U.S. Don’t let anyone convince you that this approach is materialistic. It is just about taking prudent measures to protect yourself from being the victim of a user.

URGENT:
After you finish reading this 4-part series, “Black Women Dating Men from Europe,” check out what I’ve written about preventing cancer in the Health section at the bottom of the following post: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/2009/06/for-black-women-interested-in-dating_28.html

Read the next post in the series where I write about the 3rd option (Moving to Europe for School and/or Work): “Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 3.”

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