Saturday, June 27, 2009

More for Single Black Christian Women

(1) Don’t be discouraged by the challenging dating landscape for single evangelical women. Remember, beloved sister, that “we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5:7).

(2) (MCS): As I mentioned in a previous post, it is not a dating site; it is a site where you can find advice on Christian dating (for example, there’s information on using a dating detective to help you screen people) and also reviews of Christian dating websites.

MCS has multiple sections on its website where you can get advice on Christian dating (each section covers different topics):

* Christian Dating Advice section:
* Christian Dating Articles section:
* Christian Singles Articles section:

Also, (MCS) has a 2 sections where Christian Dating websites are reviewed:
*Reviews done by MTS staff/volunteers (these are on the homepage):
* User reviews (they are in the Christian Dating Directory section):

Don’t forget to complete a user review of dating websites after you have been using the dating site for a while (MCS suggests at least 1 month).

MCS seems to be pressuring Christian singles to only use Christian dating websites owned by Christians. I think it’s a great idea to support other Christian businesses, but if you have a situation where the non-Christian owned dating website (like Christian Mingle and Soul Match) is offering a valuable feature that the Christian-owned ones are not, I see no problem in using the services of the non-Christian-owned website.

I also think that a website like SoulMatch (operated by Beliefnet) will give you more access to the backsliding Christian guys than some of the other Christian dating websites. By the way, Beliefnet is a website that has information on various religions and one often sees references to the website in secular media. A backsliding Christian guy may decide he doesn’t want to go to an explicitly Christian dating site because it reminds him of his failings. He, however, may not be averse to a dating website targeted at people of all religions because many of these guys don’t necessarily hate Christianity—they just don’t want to deal with it in full force. Maybe you can help to bring the guy back to the fold. Before you dismiss what I’m saying or label me a heretic, please re-read my post titled “For Single Black Christian Women” where I wrote about my husband’s spiritual condition when I met him. Like I said, the dude is on fire for Jesus now, but he wasn’t when we met.

Here is a link to an article on the various stages of Christian dating:

(3) A couple of other Christian dating websites out there are Singles of Faith and Christian Café.
To recap, the Christian dating websites I mentioned in a previous post are: (for marriage-minded Christians), (Singles Christian Network), and

(4) I recently visited the website of a single, attractive, 43-year-old, black Christian woman who lives in New Jersey. She is active in her church and is seeking a man of any race who is a practicing Christian. She is college-educated, successful and self-employed. Here is what she wrote about her experiences on dating websites: - I’ve gotten, by far, the most responses from them. What’s great
about them is that if I have a paid membership, guys can email me (if I want
them to) for free. From what I’ve read on other reviews, they have the #1
membership. The notification emails can get a little annoying, but you can
change your settings.

Plenty of Fish is in second place. Plenty of Fish
is a free website, so quantity is not necessarily the best quality. I do,
however, like the IM feature, which allows you to screen before saying yes
to an IM I have always and continue to love Why? I
don’t get as many responses, but I do like the quality of men, as well as
the ability to read more in depth profiles, for those who choose to write

ChristianCafe – I like the specialty, but I rarely get emailed. So there’s not a lot of action happening for me on this site. Maybe that will change.

5) Don’t engage in pre-marital sex. Pray fervently for God to help you to be sexually pure. There are guys even in evangelical churches that will pressurize a girl to have pre-marital sex. Don’t compromise your standards because you’re in love and scared you’ll lose the guy. When my husband (then fiancé) and I were very tempted, we prayed to God together to give us strength not to succumb to temptation and it helped big time.

A girl I used to work with said she agreed to have pre-marital sex with her boyfriend and it caused there to be a wall between her and God, so she couldn’t pray. Another girl said that when she was in college, she received a fairly unusual spiritual gift, and then she started having sex with her boyfriend. Eventually, she lost the spiritual gift. What does it profit a woman to gain a serious boyfriend, but jeopardize her relationship with God, the ultimate Lover of her soul? Also, even if the guy ends up marrying you, you have to ask yourself: “If he was willing to disobey God when it comes to pre-marital sex, isn’t he likely to disobey God when it comes to adultery?“

(6) On top of praying, I suggest you become more discriminating with the movies and TV shows you watch. For example, avoid movies with nude scenes, so you’re reducing your exposure to images that can trigger the desire to have sex. When I was single, someone suggested I avoid romantic comedies because they train a person to become obsessed about romance. (Yes, it is natural for us to want to be in a relationship, but there has to be some sense of moderation so we’re not fantasizing about marrying every guy that we go out on a date with.) At the time the person gave me the advice, I thought she was being over-the-top, but now, I would suggest that people give it some serious consideration.

I would also say stay away from cheesy romance novels, whether Christian or secular (for the same reason as romantic comedy movies). The novels may even be worse than the movies because it takes much longer to read a book than to watch a 2-hour movie, so you’re “soaking” in it for a longer. To help you get started with finding quality Christian fiction, google “quality Christian fiction.” Ask your pastor for other guidelines on how to be discriminating when selecting TV shows and movies. By the way, you can borrow Christian movies online- google “borrow Christian movies” to see what your options are.

(7) I suggest you read the following book for single Christian women: “Get Married: What Women Can do to Help It Happen” by Candace Watters.

(8) Do you need resources to prepare you for when you’re having a discussion with someone about whether the Bible is the Word of God? (Some people from mainline Protestant churches don’t believe the Bible to be the Word of God.) There’s a book called “The Case for the Real Jesus” (it is the follow-up to the Case for Christ) by Lee Strobel and the chapter on Challenge # 2 touches on whether the Bible is the Word of God. The end of the chapter also has follow-up resources to do more reading. Also, connect the person with someone knowledgeable about these matters who is willing to dialog with them.

(9) Just a quick reminder: Even if you don’t agree with something in a book or on a website that I refer you to, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

(10) I know it is at times easier said than done, but don’t let your singleness/dating life consume your thoughts and dominate your conversations. On the one hand, you should be taking action to increase your chances of meeting the right person (praying about it, joining dating sites, asking folks to hook you up with good guys, losing weight and getting a physical makeover, if necessary, etc). However, on the other hand, you should be striving to still live a full, Jesus-centered life. (Of course, a Jesus-centered life should include working on transforming your personality to be in line with God’s will, which has the added benefit of making you a better catch for a guy.)

If you feel desperate or lonely, cry out to God, the Lover of your soul. As great as my husband is, nobody understands me like God does. Develop an intimacy with God by pouring your heart out to Him. Let Him be your most intimate friend. Select a date on the calendar and decide that for an hour or more that day, you are going to just spend unstructured time with God with no pre-prepared prayer list. Praise Him in song and also without music, repent, tell Him what’s in your heart, ask Him questions, talk to Him like you can see Him right in front of you and delight yourself in Him (enjoy Him). Listen to a Christian song (if possible, one that especially moves you), soak up His presence and luxuriate in it and pray about what comes to your mind.

(11) Even if you are in a strong, growing romantic relationship with a fabulous Christian guy who is committed to Jesus, everything I have written in #9 still applies. If you’ve been praying for God to send you the right guy for a long time, when he does show up, it’s easy to get carried away because you’re so relieved and happy. The guy is just a man, not your savior, so don’t allow thoughts of him to consume you to the point that he’s even remotely close to rivaling Jesus in your life. I know it’s a great feeling when you’re in love and floating on air, but the Blesser is more important than the blessing.

(12) More on online dating: If you’re a committed Christian (which, I assume, you would make clear in your profile ), a few women of different races have said, on average, you can expect 1 out of 10 guys to respond to your emails when you initiate contact. For some women it may be more and for some it may be less. The point is that you should go in with reasonable expectations. Also, focus us on quality, not quantity; remember, you only need one great husband, not 10 million.

(13) Read a book on online dating, not just an article, as a book will cover more. Search the internet (try internet book retailers) to see if you can find a good book for online dating for Christians. You can use a secular book too and just skip any offensive parts.

(14) When you first meet a guy (online or offline) and you want to ask him questions about his Christian faith, don’t ask all the questions in one sitting so the guy doesn’t feel like he’s being interrogated by the Gestapo. Try to speak on the phone at least 3 times (at length) before the first date and spread questions about his Christian walk over those 3 phone calls. As I’m sure most of you would agree, it is not a sin if you discuss topics other than Christianity when talking with a romantic prospect. Even when you’re talking on the phone with your Christian girlfriends, it’s not like 100% of your conversation is about explicitly spiritual matters—in fact, at times, it may be 0%, if the purpose of the call is something like determining what time to pick her up to go the baby shower.

(15) Once you are engaged, one of the many topics you and your fiancé should discuss while preparing for your marriage is how you are going to make decisions in your household. There are basically 2 schools of thought on this topic in the Christian community. One school believes that if there is a disagreement during decision-making, the husband should make the final decision. The other school believes that the husband and wife should be mutually submissive; if there’s a disagreement during decision-making, sometimes the couple goes with what the wife wants, sometimes with what the husband wants or sometimes both parties compromise. I recently watched a video of a Christian couple that has been married for over 3 decades and they are of the mutual-submission school of thought. In the video, they say that the wife is the husband’s servant and the husband is also the wife’s servant. The leadership model that this husband uses is a humble, submitting one. See Luke 22:24-26, which describes what Jesus said about leadership. Here is a link to the video:

(16) Here is a woman on Candace Watters’ blog giving her testimony on how God moved mightily to bring her the right guy:

Check out my other posts too:

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