Sunday, June 28, 2009

Miscellaneous Additional Advice for Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially

Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, Germany and his wife, Princess Angela (formerly Angela Brown), are in the picture below. They met in New York City. Their love story is said to be well-known in Europe and is seen as a Cinderella-type romance.

Prince Maximilian & Princess Angela of Germany:

(1) FYI, I’ve heard that the following areas tend to be better for bw/non bm relationships: New York City, Boston, Washington DC/MD/VA tri-city area, Seattle, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco Bay area and San Jose. Minneapolis and Denver received honorable mention.
If you go on a bw forum and see a bw complaining about bad experiences with non-bm who only want to date, but nor marry her, don’t jump to conclusions and give up on IR dating. First of all, I am no Pollyanna; I know we live in a country where there is still racism and I know there are non-bm who will date a bw casually, but not marry her. I also know that there are black men who will just date a bw casually and not marry her. This is not only a non-bm issue, so why only exclude them from your dating pool?

Ladies, you have to vet, vet, vet guys and realize that, even after vetting, most women are going to kiss many frogs before they meet their prince. And keep in mind that marriage rates in the U.S. are declining, so fewer men are marrying any woman regardless of her race. When some bw say they’ve been dating non-bm who won’t consider bw for marriage, find out where these women live. I’ve been on some bw IR forums and heard women like this only to find out that they live in a city that is unfriendly to IR dating for bw. Of course, as a group, bw living in Atlanta or Memphis are going to have fewer and worse IR dating experiences than bw who live in New York City or Frankfurt (Germany) or Amsterdam (The Netherlands). (New York, Frankfurt and Amsterdam are examples of cities that are IR-friendly for bw.)

You’ve got to go where the action is. If you can’t physically go, go virtually by accessing men from IR-friendly cities via dating sites and be open to long-distance relationships. Also, as a bw, you have an advantage with a lot of men from certain European countries, so many of you need to exercise the European option (with or without living in Europe). How does one exercise the European option without living there? Remember that there are European men who live in the U.S. that you can date and also some people have been able to enjoy international long-distance relationships that have led to marriage.

(2) Work on your internal and external beauty. Here are a few tips:

(2.i) Consider getting a physical makeover. Honestly evaluate whether your hairstyle is the best one for your face. If you decide on getting a weave or braids, save money by getting a friend to do your hair for free and do hers for free. If you don’t know how to do weaves or braids, learn by using affordable videos. Do a google search on “learn how to braid hair” or “learn how to do a weave.” Practice what you learn on one of those “head-only” mannequins you can buy at the beauty supply stores. By the way, some people do their own weaves/braids.

If you get sick of the quality of the hair extensions for weaves at the local beauty supply stores, go to online forums and ask for advice on some quality hair extensions that you can re-use. There are companies in New York City that sell good quality hair extensions- some are very high-priced, so ask around for moderately-priced, good quality products.

Also ask yourself if you're using the most flattering make-up options and colors for your face. If you don’t use eye make-up like eye shadow and/or eye liner, why not try it? Using a black eye liner to outline the entire eye is a very flattering look for many bw. If you don’t know how to do it, google “how to apply eye liner” and I’m sure you’ll find articles or videos. You apply the eye liner to the area underneath your eye PLUS you apply the eye liner to the bottom of your eye lid. Why not also try a hint of blush to see if you like it? If you typically wear more earth- colored lipsticks, change it up sometimes and try colors with more kick—like Ravishing Red or Wicked Wine (don’t google these names because I just made them up).

(2.ii) Take steps to continually reinforce (or rebuild, for some people) your appreciation of black women’s beauty and, specifically, your own beauty. It will make you more confident.

I’ve seen a number of comments by various women on black women’s blogs on how they do this. Here’s an amalgamation of what these ladies have to say— I really love their common sense:

· Recognize that we live in a society where we are bombarded with images and messages that tell us subtly and not-so-subtly that black women’s beauty is inferior to that of white women. You do not have to let these images and messages shape your thinking. You take charge. You take ownership of what you think about your looks.

· Turn down the volume on the sources of these images and messages when you reasonably can. (I saw this on Evia’s 12/12/09 blog post in her response to a reader’s letter. Please be sure to read her post in its entirety because there’s good stuff there.) For example, reduce or end your consumption of celebrity gossip and fashion magazines and websites.

· Turn UP the volume on the sources of images and messages that celebrate the beauty of black women. Guess what? YOU should be one of those sources. Regularly search for pictures of lovely black women of all skin tones, with thin noses and round noses, with full lips and thin lips (try here: LINK 1 and here: LINK 2 for pictures). Don’t limit yourself to pictures of singers/models/actresses. Also search for pictures of everyday, average cute black women. Average cute looks are nothing to be ashamed of. Not everyone is going to be stunningly beautiful—even many supermodels of various races aren’t beautiful. Download the pictures on your PC and create an album. Look at these pictures everyday and, as you do, make statements affirming the beauty of the woman you are looking at. On a daily basis, go to the mirror, smile at yourself and make statements affirming your beauty ex. I am cute/pretty/gorgeous/beautiful/attractive/whatever positive thing you want to say; you can also try focusing on a specific part of your face sometimes--like your high cheekbones or fabulous smile. You may actually want to do the exercises more than once a day—play it by ear and do it as many times as you feel you need to.

Note: Most sensible men are not going to base their decision to marry a woman solely on their physical attraction to her. They will look at the whole package of what you have to offer (values, personality, intellectual pursuits, etc) and evaluate how in-sync it is with them. Value yourself as a whole package. Celebrate your good looks, but also every other good thing you are bringing to a relationship.

I recently saw some comments a young woman wrote a few years ago about her looks. She’s a pretty girl, but she wrote that she felt unattractive and my heart just ached that her self-view was so warped. It seemed to me that someone /people had been speaking poison into that poor girl for a long time. So, what if you do these beauty affirmations for years and after all that time, you just can’t believe your face is attractive?

First, if God wants you to marry (and we know from Genesis 2:18 that He wants most of us to do so), the husband He has for you is going to think you’re adorable. Remember, you’re looking for the husband that God has designed for YOU, the unique individual, not the husband he designed for Tyra Banks or Mary Doe Nubian who lives down the street. Did some guy just reject you because he felt you weren‘t fine enough for him? Well then, he’s NOT the one God has set apart for you, so don’t waste another moment thinking about what he did. Don’t you know there are a lot of women walking around married to men who were really designed to be married to someone else? You don’t want to be one of those women, so you should be glad old boy decided to take a pass. You don’t want to be stuck married to a man who God really set apart for another.

Second, remember what I said before: you are a whole package. Your degree of facial attractiveness is just one attribute in that package. When you walk out of the door, it’s not a face that walks out of the door, but a whole woman--a whole woman who has a variety to offer including her values, personality, goals, interests, etc. Appreciate your whole package. That doesn’t mean you should let yourself go physically; as every woman should, make the best of what you have- do your hair and make-up nicely and keep your body in shape. If you have a medical problem that causes you to be overweight, do the best that you can with what you’ve got and keep valuing yourself as a WHOLE package. You’re going to make a fabulous gift that was uniquely designed for the man who is to be your husband. Read the Sharon Jaynes book, "Experience the Ultimate Makeover: Discovering God's Transforming Power" that will help you appreciate the gift that you are.

And by the way, the cute black girl I mentioned earlier who felt unattractive is now married to a non-bm who adores her. Based on the information on the girl's website, the guy is a committed Christian (be inspired, dedicated Christian women!), and, from the sound of his name, I believe he is European. You ladies need to exercise your European option. I hope some of you are seriously contemplating joining (the marriage introduction service). From the website, it seems several bw have already met their European husbands through the organization.

(2.ii) Lose weight if you need to (and don’t forget the health benefits).

(2.iii) If you feel don’t feel good about yourself because of prior life experiences, work on improving your self-esteem. Go to and do a search on books written by the Christian author, Sharon Jaynes. Or see the Miscellaneous Links section of this blog for links to 2 books by Sharon Jaynes.

(2.iv) If you have a bad attitude, you need to work on that because it will most likely alienate people eventually. The goal is to have inner strength without having a difficult personality (I have written a post on what I did to work on my bad attitude titled "Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen - Emotional Healing for Black Women").

(2.v) If you feel you don't have a difficult personality, but have anger, grief and/or bitterness lingering in your heart, read my post titled "Emotional Healing for Black Women."

(3) Online and offline, you may encounter people making venomous comments about black women who are open to dating interracially. Remember, you are FREE women. You are free to date any unmarried man that you please. These black guys attacking bw are trying to make you feel unattractive to other races of men so you will feel bm are your only option and you will remain in bondage to them. They want you to feel lucky when they decide to “give you the honor” of asking for your phone number. They want to feel like the peacock and they want you to feel like the desperate one. Due to the shortage of available bm, there are so many guys in our community luxuriating in the black man’s dating privilege. One of the reasons bw who date interracially are under such rabid attack from certain bm is that they realize that once you start exploring your other options, that will start eating away at the black man’s dating privilege. They won’t be such a hot commodity anymore.

Take control NOW of what your eyes see and what your ears hear. Be extremely selective about the You Tube videos you watch. If certain forum topics on, BlackPlanet, AOL Voices, etc have an abundance of folks making vicious statements about black women, then do a cost-benefit analysis to determine if it is worth continuing to read/participate in those particular forum topics. For me, I’ve decided that some of those forums topics are a good medium to share helpful information with other bw, so I typically will just write my post and go; I don’t read plenty of comments on such forum topics—just a few written by people who have a history of being reasonable—and I rarely get into a back-and-forth with people. (My hope is that the bw who still choose to be avid readers/active participants on those forum topics will at least be helped by the information I share.)

People are trying to damage your sense of worth with their vile words, but you don’t have to imbibe them. You have the power to control what you view. Refuse to be kept in bondage by the words of bitter people. Let me just add that some of you also need to refuse to be kept in bondage by your fear of stepping out of your comfort zone or by any resentment you may feel towards people of other races.

For so many bw, you’re in your comfort zone with black guys and it is understandable because you’ve been socialized to believe that they are the only men who should be your romantic partners. You have to ask yourself: “Is my black-man-only stance working for me?” Are you in a happy, committed, growing relationship with a black man who is good husband material? If not, it’s time to expand your dating horizons, so you can increase your likelihood of finding Mr Right. Your black-man-only stance means you’re ignoring about 88% of the single men in America. If you’re bypassing 88% of single men in the US, of course your chances of finding Mr Right are going to be very slim. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone, ladies!

When I encourage bw to include non-bm in their dating pool, I'm in no way implying that all bm are unsuitable for marriage. There are some good, single black men, but there are way too few of them to go around. Ladies, instead of waiting, very possibly endlessly, and hoping for one of the relatively few quality black guys to show up and marry you, it is time to expand your territory to include the quality non-black men. One bw commenter online quoted the Patti LaBelle song, “New Attitude” to celebrate her freedom from the oppression of dating black men only. Sing it, ladies: “I tidied up my point of view. I’ve got a new attitude!”

My emphasis is that: (i) you should be open to dating men of all races and (ii) you should screen out all non-quality guys, regardless of their race. By the way, a doctor who is arrogant because he thinks he’s God’s gift to women is NOT a quality guy. On the other hand, a man with little money who is working his way through college and treats you like a queen may very well be a quality guy. When screening a man, you should evaluate his personality, values/religious beliefs, education/ intellectual pursuits, etc, not just his career accomplishments or physical attributes. As the saying goes, all that glitters is not gold.

(4) Regardless of the race of the man, don’t blow off a guy because you don’t like the current job he’s holding. Focus on what his vision is for his career and what CONCRETE steps he’s taking to achieve that vision. You may be college-educated with a good job and a clerk at the grocery store who seems like a nice guy asks you out. Before you decline his advances, find out more about him. How do you know he’s not working his way through college? How do you know he’s not studying for the LSAT (law school admission exams) in preparation to go to law school?

By the way, if you don’t have your degree, it is extremely unreasonable for you to insist that all the men you date have their degree. If you don’t have your degree and a man approaches you that doesn’t have his, can’t the two of you make the journey of educational improvement together?

The key reason a woman with a degree should be careful about dating someone who doesn’t have one is that men often become resentful in those types of relationships. You don’t want a day to come when the two of you are debating a topic and he erupts with, “You think you’re so smart because you went to college.” Others have said some men in this sort of situation are uncomfortable around the woman’s friends and colleagues who have degrees. Some people are able to make this type of relationship work, though. There are men that are confident enough that they don’t care, but it is a lot to ask of a guy. If you’re in a dating relationship like this, you should make sure you don’t talk down to your man when you’re angry or frustrated.

Also keep in mind that some people may not have a good formal education, but they may be curious about the world and make it a priority to feed their minds anyway. I dated a man like that once and he was very comfortable in a room filled with people who had one or more degrees. Let’s be frank, though; guys like him are few and far between.

(5) DO NOT date men from countries where arranged marriages are common. It is too risky. Examples of such countries are India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Nepal. They typically will date American women and act like they are free-thinkers who will stand up to their families; however, eventually, the vast majority of these guys will leave the American girl to marry the girl their parents have selected for them. Even if the guy is a U.S. citizen, but he grew up in a country known for arranged marriages, stay away from him. If the guy grew up in America, that is a different story because he probably won’t be open to an arranged marriage.

I know there’s a blog written by one black woman who is married to a guy from India, and sure, there may be a few other one-in-a million examples that don’t jive with what I’m saying; however, don’t let those isolated examples contribute to the blueprint for your life. The probability of a relationship with men from these countries leading to marriage is virtually nil. You don’t have time to be playing Russian roulette by entering extremely high-risk relationships. We know that, time-wise, the stakes are higher for a woman than a man in a dating relationship. You should therefore stay away from a man when you know going into the relationship that there is a 99.9% chance he will not marry you and spend your time on relationships that have a higher chance of being successful.

By the way, if you and your guy are over 23, have been dating for over 1 year and he isn’t ready to marry you, re-evaluate the relationship. One year should generally be long enough to know whether you want to marry a person. (I know there are extreme cases where exceptions must be made--for example, if he’s in the military and was deployed abroad for much of the year you’ve been together).

(6) A bw online wrote that bw should add “- Race Unimportant” at the end of their profile caption when on a dating website so non-bm will know instantly that you are open to all races. (Alternately, you can add “- Open to All Races” at the end of your profile caption.) When guys do a search on women’s profiles, the search results will show your picture, profile caption and a few lines from your profile. It’s not every person who will actually click a profile to see if a woman has race preferences. Instead, they may just make assumptions that black women only date black men. You increase your likelihood of attracting more guys by indicating upfront that you’re open to all races. Let’s say for the sake of illustration that your profile caption is “ABCD EFGH,” just add “Race Unimportant” or “Open to All Races” at the end so the caption becomes “ABCD EFGH – Race Unimportant” or “ABCD EFGH – Open to All Races.”

(7) Ladies, unless the non-bm you're talking to says he exclusively dates bw, please don't ask him why he's interested in bw. It comes across as if you have an inferiority complex and think bw are unworthy of love from non-bm. I'm sure most of the women reading this don't really feel inferior to non-bm, but that is how you come across when you ask that question. Now, if at some point in your discussions with this non-bm, he says he only dates bw, it is very appropriate to ask him why--because when people date one race exclusively, it is typically their own. I don't think you automatically have to write off a non-bm because he only dates bw though.

Please try your utmost to be aware of how you are presenting yourself wherever you go –both on the Internet and offline. A friend told me that an older, married man at a church had been watching a young single lady there for very long time, unbeknownst to her. They interacted frequently, but she didn’t know he had any special interest in her. After a while, he approached her to say he was impressed with the way she carried herself and he thought she would be a great match for a younger, single relative of his. My friend said the lady is now happily married to the man’s relative that she was introduced to.

Similarly, I was at store several years ago (in my single days) and I was conversing with the proprietor. I made a philosophical comment that one of the patrons overheard. My statement intrigued him and he decided to pursue me romantically. I was seeing someone else at the time, so I ended up not dating this man from the store; however, my point is that you never know who is watching you and evaluating whether you could be good romantic partner for somebody they know or for themselves. You have to properly manager your image.

A while ago, I saw a bw on a public message board, with her picture posted, making comments about her insecurities. There were several men who posted on the message board, some of whom were single and actively seeking a girlfriend. The statements she was making would surely drive a lot of the men on the message board away from her. People are attracted to those with a healthy self esteem. I’m sure some guys who are users and abusers would be drawn to her after reading her comments, but who wants that type of guy? Since she had her picture up there, an abuser/user who saw her picture on the message board enough times would be able to identify her even if he met her at a different venue; he’d think to himself, “Yeah, that’s the one with the hang-ups, so I can exploit her.” And Google would probably archive the web page she posted on for perpuity.

There is a time and place for everything. I know we all need advice and encouragement sometimes. A better venue to post about her insecurities online while displaying a picture would have been a membership-only forum that is for like-minded black women. Even a membership-only forum can be infiltrated by meddlesome deceivers, but at least the membership application hoops they have to jump through may serve as a deterrent to some of them. I’m not saying never post your picture online because I’ve seen people who do this while being responsible about it —they don’t divulge information about themselves that could come back and bite them in the behind in the future. (If you have issues with your self-esteem, I’m very sensitive to your pain and I sincerely hope for healing for you. Please check out the two books I’ve listed that address self-esteem concerns in women in the “Misc Links” section of this blog. Or get the names of the books from bullet 2 of this post.)

Lastly, please remember that the image you project wherever you go has the power to reinforce negative stereotypes about bw or chip away at them.

(8) I caution you against inter-faith marriages, and therefore, inter-faith dating. I know it’s not the cool thing to say, but there are many attitudes that are acceptable in our society that can be harmful to people in the long-run. Even if you and the man in question are not devout followers of your respective faiths, inter-faith marriages are just too risky. What happens if the guy later decides to re-dedicate himself to following his religion after you marry him? Or how about if you later decide to re-dedicate yourself to following your religion? There is a high likelihood of intractable conflict in either case.

If the key tenets of your faith contradict his, how can you in good conscience say that you will raise your children to follow both religions, as is common in inter-faith marriages? You could find yourself in the position of allowing the mind of your innocent 10-year-old to be filled with theology you believe to be wrong or even sinful. After a religious leader at your husband’s house of worship has taught your kid a concept you don’t believe in, instead of telling your child it is wrong and why it is wrong, you’ll be reduced to tip-toeing around the issue so you do not offend your husband, his family, etc. I firmly believe in inter-faith friendships, inter-faith cooperation to fight community and global problems and ignoring a person’s religion when hiring and promoting individuals in the workplace. Inter-faith marriages, however, are not prudent.

I knew a woman who was in an inter-faith relationship. Religion did not play a big role in either her life or the guy’s, so they thought they’d be able to accommodate each other—and they did, but only for a while. Just as they had reached a major milestone in their relationship, the man became very serious about his religion and the relationship went bust. Fortunately for her, his religious re-dedication happened before they decided to get married, so no marriage occurred.

If you have a religious affiliation (even if you consider yourself non-practicing) and the man is an atheist or agnostic, still leave him be because you can have the same problems as in an inter-faith marriage. I was listening to a radio advice show several years ago and a woman called in because she was having marital problems. When she had married her husband, he had been an atheist and she had considered herself almost a non-practicing Christian. She later dedicated her life to Jesus and her decision caused strife in her marriage. When she would read Bible stories to their son, her husband would make disparaging statements about the Bible. When she wanted to take their son to church, her husband would object. Her husband would repeatedly make disrespectful comments about Christianity, ignoring how his words offended her. The best “solution” for this sort of case is to do everything within your power (within reason) not to be in a relationship like this in the first place.

Someone may say, “Well, there’s also a risk that a guy with the same religious background as me may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system. There’s also the risk I may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system.” Well, with human nature being what it is, people are more likely to re-dedicate their lives to the religion they were raised in than to convert to another religion entirely. I know every marriage (whether inter-faith or intra-faith, interracial or intra-racial, etc) has inherent risks; you won’t be able to remove every type of risk before entering a marriage, but you can take reasonable steps to reduce certain risks. Steering clear of dating men of other faiths or opposing religious beliefs is one of those reasonable steps you can take to avoid future chaos in your marriage.

Incidentally, there may be some people of faith reading this that balk at the fact that I used the terminology ”re-dedicating themselves to their religion,” as opposed to “re-dedicating themselves to God.” I used the terminology so that it could be generic enough to apply to various religions, some of which don’t hold to a belief in God or any gods per se.

(9) Here’s a website that you can use to do a background search on someone you meet online:

Read articles and a book on online dating so you can learn from the knowledge and experience of others. Try to get a book, not just an article, because a book will cover more scenarios. By the way, I’ve heard women (not just bw) say that you should date multiple men until you and a guy decide to be exclusive. This is better than just focusing on one guy that you like and freaking out if he doesn’t call you exactly when you hoped he would--meanwhile, dude is dating you, Keisha, Peggy Sue, Tameka and Laura too.

Also, I was reading a bw’s online magazine recently and a bw wrote about something sneaky that a guy she was dating did. He told her he had removed his profile from the dating website where they met, so she told him she would do the same. She went online to delete her profile, but first decided to verify that he had really deleted his. It turned out that he had not; instead, he had just blocked her username from being able to view his profile. She was able to tell he was deceiving her because she had another username that he didn’t know about and her friend also saw his profile on the dating site. Hmmmm… Make sure you do some investigative work like this bw when you’re doing the whole online dating thing.

(10) Don’t just post a profile on a dating website. Also read men’s profiles and email those who you’re interested in getting to know. You’re not breaking some unwritten rule by doing this—it is perfectly allowable online since the guy posted his profile. Now, in the offline (real) world, I wouldn’t suggest approaching a man because a guy will most likely see you as desperate or loose if you do that.

If you encounter an interesting man on a blog or discussion board on a non-dating website, don’t make the first move. I’ve seen women approach men for romantic purposes on message boards of non-dating websites; even I was embarrassed for them because it looked so awkward—despite the fact that some of them tried to be somewhat subtle in the wording of their posts. If it’s on the blog/forum of a dating website, just send an email; don’t try to contact him on the blog/forum. Also, don’t initiate instant message (IM) communication with unknown men on those dating websites because it is too similar to approaching a guy offline. Emailing is better because it is doesn’t require an instant reply, so there’s less pressure on both of you. If you and the guy have already communicated, I see nothing wrong with initiating IM communication sometimes; if you’re the one who is always doing the initiating, obviously, that is a sign the guy’s not that into you.

(11) Women have said repeatedly that is a great way to meet guys. I mentioned the website when I was writing about ways to meet men from Europe living in America, but there are so many other meetup groups built around a myriad of interests. For example, there are dinner clubs, book clubs, movie clubs, volunteer groups, etc. Just go to and do a search on your hobbies and other activities/subjects that interest you. If there is no meet-up group in your area for the subject/activity you’re looking for, you can indicate you are interested in such a group and you’ll be added to a list of interested people. If enough folks indicate interest in a group forming, someone will probably start the group (by the way, that someone can be you). Also try to see if you find any group of interest in your city.

(12) Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group – It is great place to ask questions and give/get support. However, on occasion, you may see someone making a sexual comment that is inappropriate. I would suggest that you don’t cancel your subscription because someone writes an offensive comment – just move to the next message or topic.

(13) Here are some other interracial dating websites (I mentioned some others in my previous post, “For Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially”): (FREE),,

(14) Beware of scammers on dating sites—they are usually abroad, will give you a sob story about adversity in their lives (ex. wife and children died in a car crash) and eventually ask you for money.

(15) In every race, there are men who behave like dirt bags, so, naturally, you must screen any of your prospects. However, if you have some bad experiences with some men in a particular race, that doesn’t mean you should give up on all men of that race—this applies to bm and non-bm.

(16) Here is a post on Evia’s blog that covers online dating for bw:

(17) Here is a post on Sara's blog, "Interracial Love and Spice," on how to determine whether a non-bm you're seeing is truly interested in you or just wants to sleep with you/satisfy his curiosity about dating a bw:

Check out my other posts too:

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