For The Sistas

More For Black Women Interested in Dating White Men and Other Non-Black Men

2009-07-10T08:42:00.000-07:00

Arguments Against Some Reasons You Are Told Not to Date Interracially:

First, I’ll start with a success story. Below the picture of wedding bells is a video of Traci and Jeremy, a married couple that met on EHarmony.

Traci & Jeremy, Married Aug 2007

To dissuade black women from dating interracially, some black folks will tell you to remember the racist acts perpetrated by white people against African-Americans. Not every white person is a racist. You can’t hold one person accountable for what others in their race did if they weren’t involved. Would you want everyone who first met you to assume you’re a criminal all because there are some black folks engaged in criminal activity? By the way, remember that even back in the day, during the civil rights era, there were some white people risking their lives to fight for the rights of black folks.

For example, during the civil rights era, there was a group known as the Freedom Riders that was comprised of blacks and whites; they traveled from the north of the U.S. to the south to register black voters. The group was threatened with physical harm, but they still pressed on with their mission, and unfortunately, some of them were killed. Were these white folks who were willing to suffer for the sake of black people racists?

Please recognize that there are kind and mean-spirited individuals in every race and give people the benefit of the doubt. The line of thinking on this paragraph should apply to your approach with any group of non-black people. For example, have you had bad experiences/know someone who’s had bad experiences with some Korean-Americans in Los Angeles? Don’t hold all Korean-Americans accountable for this. (I’ll make one exception to this principle by saying you shouldn’t date a man who is from a country where arranged marriages are common—like India—because the chances he will marry you are virtually nil.)

Additionally, those who seek to stop bw from dating out will sometimes say that the black race will die out eventually if bw date interracially. The harsh reality is that even if bw don’t date and marry out of the race, the black race in America is going to die off in the long-run. Consider that black females are only about 6% of the U.S. population, yet black women are 57% of the new HIV/AIDS cases. Some of these women will not seek testing or treatment until the illness has reached an aggressive phase and by then, it most likely will be too late. Consider the high murder rates because of gang activity in the black community. Consider that about 70% of black households in the U.S. are single-parent homes headed by women, which means many of the kids in those homes will be at-risk children who will become involved in life-threatening activities.

Consider that bm are increasingly dating and marrying out of their race, thereby giving birth to more biracial kids; there are biracial adults already asking not to be referred to as black and it won’t surprise me if the U.S. government eventually gives them their wish as they grow in number and political clout. Today, 13% of married bm are married to ww, whereas just a few years ago, the figure was 9% and it will keep rising. The 13% statistic is not even counting those who are married to women who are neither black nor white and it isn’t counting men who are having kids with non-black women, but are not married to them. All these factors point to the eventual decline in the population of black people in the U.S. even if black women choose to remain in the bondage of dating black men only. Since the race will decline no matter who black women choose to date, I hope more and more will choose to expand their dating pool to include non-black men. (I do acknowledge that the decline will happen faster if bw date interracially, but if the extinction in the U.S. is going to happen anyway, why keep holding out and reducing your chances of finding your soul mate?)

Also, the black race worldwide won’t die out because there is almost a whole continent full of black folks in Africa. I think, eventually, there will be so much dating/marriage between races that in about 50 – 75 years, people of mixed race will be the majority in the U.S. In 300 years, I won’t be surprised if they are pretty much the only ones left. The good news is that we won’t be the only race declining in numbers. Already there are whites posting comments on the Internet bemoaning the fact that white folks are mating interracially, which of course, leads to decline in the white population.

Something else to keep in mind is that the shortage of black men in the community is going to contribute to the death of more black women if they don’t start exercising other dating options. I say this because one of the reasons that bw are 57% of the new HIV/AIDS cases is that there are not enough men to go around in the black community. As a result, there are some women who so desperately want to keep a guy (or take him from someone else), that they allow the man to have unprotected sex with them to increase his pleasure. The extreme shortage has allowed so many bm to be like a kid in a candy shop—so some married men find it very easy to get girls to sleep with them even though the girls know the guy is married. If the ratio of available bm to bw weren’t so lop-sided, it would be less easy for these guys to get a girl (non-prostitute) to sleep with them. Some of these married men then catch HIV/AIDs and then spread it to their wives, mistresses and other women they sleep with. The dearth of quality, available bm is also adversely affecting the weight of bw. There are so many African-American women out there who are eating unhealthily because they are lonely or are suffering in a sub-par romantic relationship that leaves them feeling dejected and humiliated. We know that obesity is one of the factors that lead to heart disease, cancer and a host of other major illnesses that regularly send Americans to an early grave. Stop letting people delude/misdirect you with their “nothing but a bm” bromides because your happiness and in fact, your very life are at stake here.

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More Wedding Bells!!!

A reader of one of the bw IR blogs (a bw I’ll just refer to her as “P”) recently got married to a non-bm man from France. Congratulations, P!

Another reader of one of the bw IR blogs (a bw I’ll refer to as “A”) is now engaged to a non-bm. She kicked her previous troublesome boyfriend to the curb, stepped out of the box with a quality man and is now reaping the rewards. Congratulations, A!

Also, a bw who is a family friend of a relative of mine is getting married to a non-black European guy she met in the U.S. Love is in the air! ^^^^ I’m doing a happy dance for my sisters! ^^^^

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Check out my post titled “For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race.”

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race

2009-06-28T19:25:00.000-07:00

If you’re a black woman considering interracial dating, it’s great that you’re thinking of stepping out of your comfort zone. Here is a picture of married couple Nicole and David Mullen—they are both Christian musicians. (At the bottom of this post, I have links to more information about Nicole C. Mullen.)

I’m glad more black women are dating interracially. It makes me very sad that so many lovely black women are alone and have been waiting for their black prince for decades. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the dismal marriage statistics for black women in the U.S. and are even sick of hearing them cited repeatedly, so I'll skip that. Black women need to expand their dating pool to include men of other races because

there is a shortage of available black men. The shortage can be attributed to various factors - chiefly, 1.5 million black men in prison and an increasing number of black men dating out of the race.

Helpful Online Communities
For black women who are interested in dating interracially, there are some online communities where you can get information, support and advice. I don’t agree with everything that is on them, but they are generally good resources. If you find anything on them offensive to you, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. There is a Yahoo group called “Black Women Who Date Interracially”—the members treat each other like family and are always welcoming to those who join. It is an excellent place to ask questions and share with others. There are also blogs known as the black women’s interracial empowerment blogs. A couple of examples of these blogs are “Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine” (Evia’s blog) and “Interracial Love and Spice by Sara” (see links to these 2 blogs and the Yahoo group in the “Links” section of my blog.) On the right hand side of Sara’s blog (Interracial Love and Spice blog), in the middle of the page, you will find links to other blogs that support black women who want to date interracially—there are quite a few of these sites.

Sara has a blog post about the non-factual statements that are thrown at black women to discourage them from dating interracially. (Some of these statements are made by racists and some are by nervous black men.) A common non-factual statement is that white and other non-black men don’t want black women. I know from my personal experience and the experiences of black women that are my relatives and friends that it is not true. There are many non-black men asking out black women of all types – dark-skinned, medium-brown-skinned, light-skinned, straight-nosed, round-nosed, full-lipped, thin-lipped, etc. You may not see black women in interracial relationships in the city where you live, but there are plenty of black women dating white men, hispanic men, asian men and native-american men in the U.S. - it’s just more concentrated in certain parts of the country. In every race of non-black men, there are some that like black women and some that don’t. Focus your thinking on the ones that do, not the ones that don’t.

Online Interracial Dating
Even if you’re in a city where you don’t see these relationships, you can meet the open-minded non-black men through online dating (I’ve heard people say they are not too crazy about e-Harmony, but some black women have met their non-black husbands via e-Harmony). Hedge your bets by trying both the general dating sites (like Yahoo Personals, Match.com, PlentyOfFish.com, Cupid.com, Chemistry.com, etc) and also those that cater to interracial dating (like Interracial Dating Central, Afro Romance, InterracialMatch, AfroIntroductions, etc). If you can’t afford to do both types, from what I’ve heard, it would be best to go with the general websites; this is because there are way more people on general websites and more variety, so you have a higher chance of finding someone you have chemistry with (I'm not primarily referring to physical chemistry). As I said, though, you're better off signing up with both the general and IR sites--as bw have met their non-black husbands on IR dating sites like InterracialMatch.com too.

Also, there are free interracial dating sites and some of the subscription-based sites can be used for free, but with access to certain features only. Yahoo Personals and Match.com ask users what their racial preferences are as far as who they want to date, so you can see it in the person’s profile if the person has a preference. Both these websites have a mutual match feature that let you know which guys fit your search criteria while at the same time, you meet their criteria. This is an excellent feature, especially when it comes to interracial dating, because it allows you not to waste time viewing profiles of non-black men who do not want to date black women.

One lady on a message board said that 90% of the non-black men on the general dating websites indicate they are not looking for black women when they complete their profile questionnaires. Well, that still leaves 10% for you to work with, and that’s plenty. You’re only looking for one good husband, not 10 million. Keep in mind that there are way more non-black men compared to black women in America since people of African descent are a minority here; 10% of the huge number of non-black men out there isn’t anything to sneeze at.

FYI: Some bw on IR forums have said that when they are using an online dating service, A LOT more men contact them when they select “looking for white men only” in their profile than when they select “race unimportant.” A few bw have said they believe the reason for this is that when many wm see a bw select “race unimportant,” they assume that is code for: “I’m still holding out for a quality, compatible black guy, but, in the mean time, I ‘ll use a non-bm as a placeholder.“ Hmmm… food for thought, isn’t it? I don’t think there’s a one-size-fit-all approach for bw when it comes to this. Each woman has to look at her individual circumstances, weigh the pros and cons of each approach and decide what is best for her. I suppose one way you could reject having to choose between the two is to use a hybrid approach: select “looking for white men only” on one dating site and select “race unimportant” on another dating site. Since wm are 70% of the male population in the U.S., this targeted wm-only approach isn’t so terribly bizarre—esp. when you consider that bw face some serious challenges when it comes to the American dating scene. Extraordinary circumstances sometimes call for extraordinary measures.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you carefully weigh the pros and cons first because even the hybrid approach can have downsides. Also be prepared to give a reasonable answer to any guy you start dating who may ask you why you’ve decided to go with the wm-only or hybrid approach (if you choose either of these approaches); you don’t need to tell him ALL your business though. Please also remember that you can select “wm-only” on a specific dating site and still be open to all races in the offline world. It’s not dishonest because when you select “wm-only,” all you’re saying is: "On this specific dating site, at this specific point in time, I am looking for wm only."

Someone pointed out to me that if you’re a bw looking for a committed Christian guy, even some wm may think that you’re a racist if you select “looking for wm-only;” since exhibiting racism is clearly not compatible with Jesus’ commandment to love your neighbor, the guy may be turned off. My response was that most bw who would select “wm-only” wouldn’t be being racist—they would just be trying to increase the number of men they met—but I do realize that perception is 9/10 of reality. Then we started questioning whether in fact a black Christian woman who selected “wm-only” would see a huge increase in committed Christian men contacting her or just a huge increase in men who are not committed Christians; I don’t know the answer to this, but if I were single today, looking for a guy who’s a dedicated Christian, I would probably err on the side of caution and select “race unimportant.” If you’re a committed Christian woman looking for a like-minded husband, see my 2 posts for Christian women because the dating scene for you is different from that of other bw.

I know many bw reading this are probably irritated that they even have to be thinking about these IR dating quirks. You may be thinking, “If only there were enough quality bm, if only we lived in a predominantly black society, if only....” Take heart, beloved. When you find the right guy, you’ll say all this rigmarole was worth it compared to the alternative. (I believe God is allowing bw to go through this horrific dating situation in America to cause us to be open to men of other races; He wants us to look at a person as an individual, not as a representation of Jim Crow or your cousin’s racist boss.)

As interracial relationships that include African-American women become more accepted in the society, more of the non-black men will participate, just like they do in Europe. In London, about 33% of women of African descent are in interracial relationships, mostly with white men. In many other Western European and Scandinavian countries, black women are highly sought-after. It’s not all men in these countries that like black women, but plenty do. I remember one Scandinavian guy really sweating me at a party many years ago and one professor from Germany who kept checking me out so intently that I became uncomfortable—fortunately, I was not taking a class with him. These two events occurred in the U.S., by the way. See the following link to read about a non-black, American woman’s surprise that white men were chasing after black women so much when she traveled all over Europe with her friends: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvnfqD8Uawu52srnPPDjDl2.7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080819081827AAEON3z.

Remember that once upon a time, it was considered social suicide / the height of desperation for a wm to marry an asian woman; back then, a lot of whites would ridicule aw’s facial features and call them ugly. Decades later, as wm-am pairings have become more common, attitudes have changed towards aw. I know some ww still don’t like the thought of the wm-aw couples, but, in general, the dating climate in the U.S. for aw is a lot more hospitable than in the 1940s, for example, and they are more accepted in the society than they used to be. The modern-day aw owe this change in climate to the pioneering aw of yester-year (and others like Mr and Mrs Loving) who were willing to brave the extreme hostility from mainstream society. Press on, sister. When you're open to dating IR in spite of the naysayers, you’re increasing the probability of a happier life for yourself and for future generations of bw.

Marriages Between Black Women and Non-Black Men
Also, don’t believe those that say all these non-black men are just after sex from black women. Some are and some aren’t—same thing with black guys. These Yahoo group and the blogs I mentioned above have many black women who participate who are married to non-black men and some of the blogs have pictures of black women at their weddings to non-black men.

I met this guy many years ago and his cousin, a bw, had just married into the British aristocracy (the groom was the son of a duke or an earl). A German prince, Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, married a black woman and he’s from one of the wealthiest royal families in Europe. The CEO of Symantec (makers of Norton Anti-virus) is married to a black woman. Count Ferdinand von Habsburg of Austria, who is a descendant of British royalty, married a black woman. Go to Sara’s blog (Interracial Love and Spice blog) and these other blogs and see the pictures of these couples for yourselves. I’m not mentioning black women’s marriages to men in the upper class to encourage black women to be gold diggers. I’m saying it because the truth is that men in a high socio-economic class tend to have a lot of women chasing after them and these guys bypassed those women to marry a black woman. I’m illustrating that even non-black guys who have way more options than the average Joe are marrying black women.

Ignore this rubbish propaganda about ALL non-black men using black women for sex. Just remember to screen all men because you have guys who behave like dogs in every race. (My belief is that no one should engage in pre-marital sex anyway. For Christian women: pray fervently and diligently for the Holy Spirit to give you the strength to overcome the temptation to have sex before marriage, and He will. I discuss this further in my post titled "More For Single Black Christian Women.")

Casting Your Net Wider
Unless you live somewhere like New York City where seeing black women in interracial relationships is not unusual, then it’s probably best to be flexible as far as the location of the person you’re dating. I know some people can’t stand long-distance relationships, but they give you a wider selection of guys to choose from and some long-distance relationships have made it to the marriage stage (mine is among them). Including men in Canada is also a good idea, as I heard there are bw finding love with non-bm over there. A relationship with a guy in Canada won’t be that much more inconvenient than a long-distance relationship within the U.S.—the inconvenience will come once you get married and one of you has to immigrate to the other country. I have heard the cities for a bw to target are: Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. (They don’t just speak French in Montreal, by the way—they speak English too.)

A lady who commented on one of the blogs I mentioned earlier said AfroIntroductions.com is a good option for dating non-bm who are outside the U.S. It has a lot of non-bm in Canada and in Europe looking for bw; the website is for people of all races and in all countries who want to meet black women or men. (The homepage says it is for meeting African singles, but it really is for meeting singles of African descent—anybody that’s black). For dating non-bm who are abroad, also check out Interracial Dating Central and, if you speak a European language, one of Match.com's European websites. Have a look at the following link and you will see that Match.com has 17 European dating websites—for example, Match.com Germany and Match.com Sweden: http://www.match.com/matchus/international/index.aspx. Don’t turn up your nose at international long-distance relationships because some of them do work. Read my post titled “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” for a few international long-distance success stories. If you don’t speak a European language, you can always learn –try Rosetta Stone software, which the U.S. Army uses for language training.

Here are a few other international dating sites where you can meet Canadian and/or European men:
(i) http://BlackAmericanBrides.com/ – It is an introduction service for those who are marriage-ready and it will link black women with men overseas or with military men in the U.S.
(ii) http://BlackFemaleScandinavianMarriage.com/ (for black women and Scandinavian men)
(iii) http://www.wdating.com/
(iv) http://www.internationalcupid.com/
(v) http://www.lavaplace.com/
(vi) http://www.LuvFree.com/
(vii) http://www.BlackBridesInternational.com/ (notice this is different from BlackAmericanBrides.com) (viii) http://www.europeankiss.com/

Also, though Plenty Of Fish doesn’t market itself as an international dating site per se, it does have members from all over the world.

A Small Aside:
If you get engaged to a non-black guy who is in Europe, consider having the wedding in the U.S. Think of all the bw who will attend your wedding or hear about it in some other way if it is held in the U.S.—the knowledge of your wedding may contribute to some single bw finally opening up to IR dating. Having your wedding here will also increase the number of bw/non-bm marriages reported in the U.S., which in turn can contribute to encouraging more black women to decide to date outside their race.

When you do get engaged, if the guy is a non-bm, be sure to put an announcement in a U.S. newspaper. Not only will it encourage other bw, but it will also contribute to the normalization of bw/non-bm couplings in the eyes of other segments of society. For example, as I said before, as the number of bw entering dating relationships with non-bm increases, the number of non-bm approaching bw will also increase. There are non-bm in the U.S. reluctant to approach a bw they’re attracted to because they assume she probably doesn’t date outside her race.

Books and a Seminar to Guide You
Three of the black women’s interracial empowerment bloggers have written books on interracial dating for bw. One is called “Supposing I Want to Date a White guy.” Another is “Black Female Interracial Marriage” and the third is “Black Women Deserve Better.” There is also a book on black interracial dating by a black woman who is a relationship columnist and it is called “The Colors of Love: The Black Person's Guide to Interracial Relationships.” Unlike the first 3 books, this fourth book is for black women and black men. You may also want to check out the upcoming book, “Don't Bring Home a White Boy and Other Notions that Keep Black Women from Dating Out” (it will be available after Feb 1, 2010);” here’s a link to a promotional video for the book: LINK. Go on Amazon or Barnes and Noble to see the reviews and decide which book(s) to buy and then borrow the rest from your library if you can (if they don’t have a book, perhaps they can do an interlibrary loan to get it). If you can’t find a book in stock at Amazon or B&N, do a google search to see where else you can purchase it.

There are seminars taking place around the country called “Free Your Mind: The Black Girl’s Guide to Interracial Dating.” One of these seminars was held in Los Angeles in 2009 and it was a resounding success (120 bw in attendance). Visit the following website for more information on workshop locations, dates, etc: http://www.blackweekly.com/freeyourmind/

When a Guy Approaches You
Ladies, if someone approaches you and you’re not interested, turn him down politely. There’s no need to humiliate the guy. Black women have such a bad reputation when it comes to this, that we are turning some non-black men off. When you rebuff a man in a rude way, you’re feeding into negative stereotypes of bw and making things harder for other sisters. One white guy who is madly in love with his black fiancée has started a blog on interracial relationships. He wrote that, compared to Asian women, black women tend to be much tougher on a man when they are blowing him off. He said that, in general, if an Asian women isn’t interested when a man approaches her, she will rebuff him very politely and sweetly. According to him, white women are not as polite as Asians when turning a guy down, but they aren’t as extreme as black women. Other men (including my husband) have made similar statements as this guy. Please, let’s remember to be gracious.

After You’re Open to IRR, Don’t Make Non-Black Men a Second Choice
There may be a tiny minority of bw reading this who are thinking to themselves: “I can have a non-black boyfriend so I won’t be lonely; however, I’ll simultaneously be surveying the landscape for a quality bm and when I find said bm, I’ll kick the non-bm to the curb.” If you’re one such woman, shame on you for planning on treating another human being like a disposable dinner napkin. Would you want a man to tell you that he was in a serious relationship with you, though he was secretly using you as a placeholder until he met the girl he wanted to marry?

After you’ve decided to open up to IR dating, don’t do it in a half-hearted way. Fully embrace it because if you’re adopting the half-stepping, double-minded, deceiving, “use a non-bm” approach, you may very well outslick yourself; you could lose the opportunity to be with the man God designed to be your husband at the time God wanted to give him to you. How likely is it that a quality non-bm will put up indefinitely with your game-playing and stalling when there are other women out there? Just ask yourself this simple question: “What if the man God has set apart for me is non-black?” If he is, but you’re playing non-black guys while keeping an eye open for your non-existent, black Mr Right, the “joke” is going to be on you when non-black Mr Right slips through your fingers. I can imagine someone responding: "If the relationship is meant to be, then we will eventually get back together." This is true, but who knows when that will be? For example, suppose the guy marries someone else after he gets sick of your unseriousness? The two of you may not get back together until you're an elderly woman, possibly after decade upon decade of your heartache, regrets and shattered dreams.

Some people may say to me, “Hey, why are you advising bw to date IR because of a shortage of available bm? That sounds like you’re making non-bm a 2nd choice.” Here’s my reply to them: Look, I’m merely addressing the world as it is. As we stand today, most bw have been heavily conditioned by the black community (and historically, even to some extent, the larger American society) to believe that we must only date and marry bm. How does one change that? It’s certainly not by ignoring it. We have to address our sisters’ concerns as they are TODAY, but with the intent of encouraging them to move to a loftier place where they are not writing a man off because of his skin color.

We must realize that people typically don’t just change and move out of their comfort zone unless they have a very compelling reason to do so. The social conditioning bw have been subjected to is extremely powerful, and so it takes an opposing force(s) that is even more powerful to break the conditioning. I strongly believe that the opposing, indoctrination-breaking force that God is using is this severe shortage of available bm in America. (We all have free will and human beings made decisions that have caused most of the shortage, but God can allow horrible circumstances to exist and use them to bring about something good. ex. a man who starts a foundation to search for a cure for a disease that his child died from.)

I’m addressing our sisters’ current concerns and meeting them where they live today by saying: “I know you believe that you should only date/marry a bm, but look at the devastating state of today’s black dating scene for women. The current paradigm is not working for you, so it’s time for a seismic shift in thinking.” If one doesn’t establish the deficits of the status quo, how can one convince a person to want to make monumental changes in their mindset? Fortunately, we see that slowly but surely, the savvy bw are coming around; the dearth of available bm is the major reason that some bw are starting to see men of other races as God wants us to see these men—as individual human beings that we can love romantically, not members of some untouchable (oftentimes despised) caste.

Safety
Even when it is a guy in the hood approaching you in a manner you find irritating, turn him down politely. There have been reports of some black men physically harming women who they feel disrespected them when the guy was asking for the digits or something. I’m not justifying them attacking women like that; I’m just saying we need to deal with these situations with wisdom. (I do recognize that being polite doesn’t guarantee the guy won’t try to harm you.) Also try to avoid the areas of town where you receive this sort of harassment; if you live in a neighborhood like this, move out.

If you’re planning to expand your dating pool to include men of other races, don’t live in an area where there are a lot of black folks because some may harass you verbally or even physically. Recently, a black woman and her non-black husband were killed by 4 black men (marines) who hated the idea of their union. There are black women who have said even the aggressive stares they receive from black folks when they are with a non-black man can be depressing. Move to a neighborhood where you can have more peace. When I recommend you don’t live in areas with a lot of black folks, I’m not just talking about the hood; there are middle class and upper class towns that have large black populations too and I wouldn’t suggest you live in these places either.

Let me just add that whether you’re dating IR or not, you should get out of the hood ASAP because you and yours are not safe there (physically and otherwise). And if you have minors in your home, they will have more opportunities (ex. educationally) if they don’t grow up in an impoverished area. Evia and some of the other BWE bloggers have written extensively about moving out of poor black neighborhoods, so please read their blogs if you’re still debating whether to move or not. (As a reminder, Evia’s blog is called “Black Female Interracial Marriage.”) If you can’t afford to relocate, try getting a roommate in your target town or even renting a space drastically smaller than what you have now, like a studio or a room in a house.

I hope all my single sisters out there find Mr. Right, regardless of what color his skin is.

*** Congratulations!!! ***
CW, who is one of the bw IR bloggers, recently got married. Congratulations, CW!

ADDITIONAL WORKSHOP + A REMINDER:
CW leads a very affordable E-seminar called “Building Upon the Change” that will help you transform your mindset and behavior to increase your likelihood of reaching your romance-related goals. This E-seminar has been very well-received by bw, so sign up so you too can start moving forward. CW is also the author of “Black Women Deserve Better.” Please check out her book and the books by the other bw IR bloggers that I referred to earlier in the post. As a reminder, the other books are: “Supposing I Want to Date a White Guy” and “Black Female Interracial Marriage.” Consider giving these books as birthday, Christmas and graduation gifts to other bw.

NOTE:
Please read the FYI section in the side-bar of this blog.

INTERVIEW:
Below is a link to an interview ChristianityToday did with Nicole C. Mullen (she and her husband are pictured at the beginning of this post). The article is titled “Black, White and Tan” and she discusses her marriage in it. http://www.christianitytoday.com/tc/peopleoffaith/profiles/13.36.html

HEALTH CORNER: Preventing Cancer
As we stand today, 2 out of 3 women in America will get cancer in their lifetime. For black women, the news is even bleaker, as we are twice as likely to suffer from a particularly deadly form of breast cancer (called triple negative breast cancer) than women of other races. Even when research controlled for income level, black women were more likely to be afflicted with triple negative breast cancer than non-black women. Here are a few links to more information on this topic:
Oprah Article: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200710_omag_rare_cancer
CNN Video 1: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/20/bia.tnbc.cnn
CNN Video 2: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/07/20/bia.tnbc.ghana.cnn

I think most of us know the typical information that has been presented to us about eating healthily (vegetables, whole wheat carbs, etc) and exercising, but those alone are not sufficient to drastically slash our risk of getting cancer. Living in our modern, industrialized world has poisoned our bodies with all sorts of toxins and we must reduce our exposure to these toxins and also remove them from our bodies. We all need to diligently research what else we can do on top of exercising and following the typical healthy food regimen to prevent us from becoming cancer victims. There’s a lot of information on the web and there are a ton of books out there too. Treat this like a major research project because the stakes are extremely high. Here are some links from The Cancer Prevention Coalition website to get you started, but don’t stop there:
What to Avoid 1: http://www.preventcancer.com/avoidable/
What to Avoid 2: http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/

After the Israeli government banned the use of certain pesticides in dairy cattle, there was a 34% drop in breast cancer deaths in Israel during a period when other countries were reporting dismal breast cancer statistics (1976-1986). Vegetarians have been found to be 50% less likely than meat-eaters to develop cancer because of the hormones injected in certain farm animals and the pesticides in the animals’ food. Consequently, as the Cancer Prevention Coalition website says, if you want to consume food from animals (ex. meat, milk, cheese, etc), then it is best to choose organic products. If you rely on milk for your calcium intake and can’t afford organic milk, then consider alternatives like vegetables (ex. broccoli) or high quality nutritional supplements to get your calcium.

FYI: Federal regulations ban the use of hormones (not pesticides or antibiotics though) in poultry. If organic meat and dairy is unaffordable for you, then a compromise is to reduce your intake of non-organic meat and dairy products. If, because of budget constraints, you can only buy a few organic food products, then prioritize organic meat/dairy products over organic vegetables and fruits; this is because non-organic food from animals contains 5 times more pesticides than non-organic produces does (since the farm animals are actually ingesting pesticide-laden feed). Btw, one naturopathic doctor has said that eliminating meat from your diet entirely results in nutritional deficiency--you may want to further investigate this claim if you’re considering going vegetarian.

Also, be open to adopting natural health cancer prevention practices. For example, fasting with fresh juices to cleanse your body of toxins and heal it or taking anti-cancer nutritional supplements like green tea extract. You may not like the idea of fasting, but with the alarming cancer rates in America, it is time to be bold. If you get hungry when doing a juice fast, you just drink some juice, so you’re not going to be starving. Here are some books on juice fasting for health purposes (start with the first book and, if you feel you need additional information, consider getting one or more of the others):
(1) "Juicing, Fasting, and Detoxing for Life: Unleash the Healing Power of Fresh Juices and Cleansing Diets"
(2) "Juice Fasting and Detoxification: Use the Healing Power of Fresh Juice to Feel Young and Look Great: The Fastest Way to Restore Your Health"
(3) "The Juice Fasting Bible: Discover the Power of an All-Juice Diet to Restore Good Health, Lose Weight and Increase Vitality"
(4) "How to Keep Slim, Healthy and Young With Juice Fasting"

You’ll find that many juice fasting books also promote that you permanently change your diet to a vegan or raw food one; if that’s not your speed, don’t let it discourage you from getting the most out of other parts of the book—namely, the sections on juice fasting, which is the main topic of the books in the first place.

You’ve probably heard a lot of people (even some in the natural health community) assert repeatedly that eating plenty of soy products will reduce your risk of breast cancer. However, there is a growing contingent of voices in the wilderness saying that consuming large quantities of soy products is actually dangerous and can even increase the risk of cancer. Dr Russel Blaylock is among those speaking out against soy; he is a respected brain surgeon and medical researcher who embraces natural healing practices. Here is a link that has some of Dr Blaylock’s statements about soy products: http://www.care2.com/news/member/917414322/611469

Dr Blaylock also recommends that women ask their doctors to use breast cancer detection technology other than a mammogram--for example, he says an MRI is preferable to a mammogram for detecting breast cancer; this is because the radiation emitted during a mammogram exam increases a healthy, cancer-free woman’s risk of breast cancer by anywhere from 1 - 3% per exam. If you’re getting a mammogram annually, over a 10-year period, your breast cancer risk (from the radiation only) will increase by 10 - 30%. And if a woman does have a cancerous breast tumor without knowing it, when her breasts are pressed against the mammogram machine to do the exam, the resulting pressure on her breasts can cause the cancer to spread even further. Read more here in the Blaylock Wellness Report (subscription required to see the whole report): http://w3.newsmax.com/blaylock/33a.cfm.

Aside: Once you finish your cancer prevention research, why don’t you start investigating steps to prevent Alzheimer’s disease? One step you can take is to take gingko giloba with cayenne pepper daily. You turbocharge the effect of the gingko by putting cayenne pepper into the liquid that you use to swallow the ginkgo capsules (ex. water, herbal tea); ginkgo alone is not that great of a herb for Alzheimer's prevention. Try starting with 1/16 of a teaspoon of cayenne pepper in 8 ounces of the liquid and gradually work your way up. Read more here about how cayenne pepper increases the effectiveness of supplements/ herbs when cayenne is taken in conjunction with them: http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/cayenne.htm.

Here are some more resources for your cancer prevention research, but they are just the tip of the iceberg:
(1) No Where to Run: http://www.fwhc.org/health/xeno.htm
(2) Blaylock Wellness Report: http://blaylockreport.com/ - If you find you disagree with some political statements he makes, just focus on the non-political content of his newsletter because that information can save your life.
(3) Book - "Super Natural Home: Improve Your Health, Home, and Planet--One Room at a Time"
(4) Consumer Lab (tests nutritional supplements so you know which brands are the best quality and provides summaries of research on effectiveness of a specific supplement to deliver health benefits): http://www.consumerlab.com/

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Here are titles of a few of the other posts:

i) “More for Black Women Interested in Dating White Men and Other Non-Black Men" (this post covers arguments against some of the reasons you are told not to date interracially)
(ii) “Miscellaneous Advice for Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially”

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Miscellaneous Additional Advice for Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially

2009-06-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, Germany and his wife, Princess Angela (formerly Angela Brown), are in the picture below. They met in New York City. Their love story is said to be well-known in Europe and is seen as a Cinderella-type romance.

Prince Maximilian & Princess Angela of Germany:

(1) FYI, I’ve heard that the following areas tend to be better for bw/non bm relationships: New York City, Boston, Washington DC/MD/VA tri-city area, Seattle, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco Bay area and San Jose. Minneapolis and Denver received honorable mention.

If you go on a bw forum and see a bw complaining about bad experiences with non-bm who only want to date, but nor marry her, don’t jump to conclusions and give up on IR dating. First of all, I am no Pollyanna; I know we live in a country where there is still racism and I know there are non-bm who will date a bw casually, but not marry her. I also know that there are black men who will just date a bw casually and not marry her. This is not only a non-bm issue, so why only exclude them from your dating pool?

Ladies, you have to vet, vet, vet guys and realize that, even after vetting, most women are going to kiss many frogs before they meet their prince. And keep in mind that marriage rates in the U.S. are declining, so fewer men are marrying any woman regardless of her race. When some bw say they’ve been dating non-bm who won’t consider bw for marriage, find out where these women live. I’ve been on some bw IR forums and heard women like this only to find out that they live in a city that is unfriendly to IR dating for bw. Of course, as a group, bw living in Atlanta or Memphis are going to have fewer and worse IR dating experiences than bw who live in New York City or Frankfurt (Germany) or Amsterdam (The Netherlands). (New York, Frankfurt and Amsterdam are examples of cities that are IR-friendly for bw.)

You’ve got to go where the action is. If you can’t physically go, go virtually by accessing men from IR-friendly cities via dating sites and be open to long-distance relationships. Also, as a bw, you have an advantage with a lot of men from certain European countries, so many of you need to exercise the European option (with or without living in Europe). How does one exercise the European option without living there? Remember that there are European men who live in the U.S. that you can date and also some people have been able to enjoy international long-distance relationships that have led to marriage.

(2) Work on your internal and external beauty. Here are a few tips:

(2.i) Consider getting a physical makeover. Honestly evaluate whether your hairstyle is the best one for your face. If you decide on getting a weave or braids, save money by getting a friend to do your hair for free and do hers for free. If you don’t know how to do weaves or braids, learn by using affordable videos. Do a google search on “learn how to braid hair” or “learn how to do a weave.” Practice what you learn on one of those “head-only” mannequins you can buy at the beauty supply stores. By the way, some people do their own weaves/braids.

If you get sick of the quality of the hair extensions for weaves at the local beauty supply stores, go to online forums and ask for advice on some quality hair extensions that you can re-use. There are companies in New York City that sell good quality hair extensions- some are very high-priced, so ask around for moderately-priced, good quality products.

Also ask yourself if you're using the most flattering make-up options and colors for your face. If you don’t use eye make-up like eye shadow and/or eye liner, why not try it? Using a black eye liner to outline the entire eye is a very flattering look for many bw. If you don’t know how to do it, google “how to apply eye liner” and I’m sure you’ll find articles or videos. You apply the eye liner to the area underneath your eye PLUS you apply the eye liner to the bottom of your eye lid. Why not also try a hint of blush to see if you like it? If you typically wear more earth- colored lipsticks, change it up sometimes and try colors with more kick—like Ravishing Red or Wicked Wine (don’t google these names because I just made them up).

(2.ii) Take steps to continually reinforce (or rebuild, for some people) your appreciation of black women’s beauty and, specifically, your own beauty. It will make you more confident.

I’ve seen a number of comments by various women on black women’s blogs on how they do this. Here’s an amalgamation of what these ladies have to say— I really love their common sense:

· Recognize that we live in a society where we are bombarded with images and messages that tell us subtly and not-so-subtly that black women’s beauty is inferior to that of white women. You do not have to let these images and messages shape your thinking. You take charge. You take ownership of what you think about your looks.

· Turn down the volume on the sources of these images and messages when you reasonably can. (I saw this on Evia’s 12/12/09 blog post in her response to a reader’s letter. Please be sure to read her post in its entirety because there’s good stuff there.) For example, reduce or end your consumption of celebrity gossip and fashion magazines and websites.

· Turn UP the volume on the sources of images and messages that celebrate the beauty of black women. Guess what? YOU should be one of those sources. Regularly search for pictures of lovely black women of all skin tones, with thin noses and round noses, with full lips and thin lips (try here: LINK 1 and here: LINK 2 for pictures). Don’t limit yourself to pictures of singers/models/actresses. Also search for pictures of everyday, average cute black women. Average cute looks are nothing to be ashamed of. Not everyone is going to be stunningly beautiful—even many supermodels of various races aren’t beautiful. Download the pictures on your PC and create an album. Look at these pictures everyday and, as you do, make statements affirming the beauty of the woman you are looking at. On a daily basis, go to the mirror, smile at yourself and make statements affirming your beauty ex. I am cute/pretty/gorgeous/beautiful/attractive/whatever positive thing you want to say; you can also try focusing on a specific part of your face sometimes--like your high cheekbones or fabulous smile. You may actually want to do the exercises more than once a day—play it by ear and do it as many times as you feel you need to.

Note: Most sensible men are not going to base their decision to marry a woman solely on their physical attraction to her. They will look at the whole package of what you have to offer (values, personality, intellectual pursuits, etc) and evaluate how in-sync it is with them. Value yourself as a whole package. Celebrate your good looks, but also every other good thing you are bringing to a relationship.

I recently saw some comments a young woman wrote a few years ago about her looks. She’s a pretty girl, but she wrote that she felt unattractive and my heart just ached that her self-view was so warped. It seemed to me that someone /people had been speaking poison into that poor girl for a long time. So, what if you do these beauty affirmations for years and after all that time, you just can’t believe your face is attractive?

First, if God wants you to marry (and we know from Genesis 2:18 that He wants most of us to do so), the husband He has for you is going to think you’re adorable. Remember, you’re looking for the husband that God has designed for YOU, the unique individual, not the husband he designed for Tyra Banks or Mary Doe Nubian who lives down the street. Did some guy just reject you because he felt you weren‘t fine enough for him? Well then, he’s NOT the one God has set apart for you, so don’t waste another moment thinking about what he did. Don’t you know there are a lot of women walking around married to men who were really designed to be married to someone else? You don’t want to be one of those women, so you should be glad old boy decided to take a pass. You don’t want to be stuck married to a man who God really set apart for another.

Second, remember what I said before: you are a whole package. Your degree of facial attractiveness is just one attribute in that package. When you walk out of the door, it’s not a face that walks out of the door, but a whole woman--a whole woman who has a variety to offer including her values, personality, goals, interests, etc. Appreciate your whole package. That doesn’t mean you should let yourself go physically; as every woman should, make the best of what you have- do your hair and make-up nicely and keep your body in shape. If you have a medical problem that causes you to be overweight, do the best that you can with what you’ve got and keep valuing yourself as a WHOLE package. You’re going to make a fabulous gift that was uniquely designed for the man who is to be your husband. Read the Sharon Jaynes book, "Experience the Ultimate Makeover: Discovering God's Transforming Power" that will help you appreciate the gift that you are.

And by the way, the cute black girl I mentioned earlier who felt unattractive is now married to a non-bm who adores her. Based on the information on the girl's website, the guy is a committed Christian (be inspired, dedicated Christian women!), and, from the sound of his name, I believe he is European. You ladies need to exercise your European option. I hope some of you are seriously contemplating joining BlackAmericanBrides.com (the marriage introduction service). From the website, it seems several bw have already met their European husbands through the organization.

(2.ii) Lose weight if you need to (and don’t forget the health benefits).

(2.iii) If you feel don’t feel good about yourself because of prior life experiences, work on improving your self-esteem. Go to Amazon.com and do a search on books written by the Christian author, Sharon Jaynes. Or see the Miscellaneous Links section of this blog for links to 2 books by Sharon Jaynes.

(2.iv) If you have a bad attitude, you need to work on that because it will most likely alienate people eventually. The goal is to have inner strength without having a difficult personality (I have written a post on what I did to work on my bad attitude titled "Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen - Emotional Healing for Black Women").

(2.v) If you feel you don't have a difficult personality, but have anger, grief and/or bitterness lingering in your heart, read my post titled "Emotional Healing for Black Women."

(3) Online and offline, you may encounter people making venomous comments about black women who are open to dating interracially. Remember, you are FREE women. You are free to date any unmarried man that you please. These black guys attacking bw are trying to make you feel unattractive to other races of men so you will feel bm are your only option and you will remain in bondage to them. They want you to feel lucky when they decide to “give you the honor” of asking for your phone number. They want to feel like the peacock and they want you to feel like the desperate one. Due to the shortage of available bm, there are so many guys in our community luxuriating in the black man’s dating privilege. One of the reasons bw who date interracially are under such rabid attack from certain bm is that they realize that once you start exploring your other options, that will start eating away at the black man’s dating privilege. They won’t be such a hot commodity anymore.

Take control NOW of what your eyes see and what your ears hear. Be extremely selective about the You Tube videos you watch. If certain forum topics on Topix.com, BlackPlanet, AOL Voices, etc have an abundance of folks making vicious statements about black women, then do a cost-benefit analysis to determine if it is worth continuing to read/participate in those particular forum topics. For me, I’ve decided that some of those forums topics are a good medium to share helpful information with other bw, so I typically will just write my post and go; I don’t read plenty of comments on such forum topics—just a few written by people who have a history of being reasonable—and I rarely get into a back-and-forth with people. (My hope is that the bw who still choose to be avid readers/active participants on those forum topics will at least be helped by the information I share.)

People are trying to damage your sense of worth with their vile words, but you don’t have to imbibe them. You have the power to control what you view. Refuse to be kept in bondage by the words of bitter people. Let me just add that some of you also need to refuse to be kept in bondage by your fear of stepping out of your comfort zone or by any resentment you may feel towards people of other races.

For so many bw, you’re in your comfort zone with black guys and it is understandable because you’ve been socialized to believe that they are the only men who should be your romantic partners. You have to ask yourself: “Is my black-man-only stance working for me?” Are you in a happy, committed, growing relationship with a black man who is good husband material? If not, it’s time to expand your dating horizons, so you can increase your likelihood of finding Mr Right. Your black-man-only stance means you’re ignoring about 88% of the single men in America. If you’re bypassing 88% of single men in the US, of course your chances of finding Mr Right are going to be very slim. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone, ladies!

When I encourage bw to include non-bm in their dating pool, I'm in no way implying that all bm are unsuitable for marriage. There are some good, single black men, but there are way too few of them to go around. Ladies, instead of waiting, very possibly endlessly, and hoping for one of the relatively few quality black guys to show up and marry you, it is time to expand your territory to include the quality non-black men. One bw commenter online quoted the Patti LaBelle song, “New Attitude” to celebrate her freedom from the oppression of dating black men only. Sing it, ladies: “I tidied up my point of view. I’ve got a new attitude!”

My emphasis is that: (i) you should be open to dating men of all races and (ii) you should screen out all non-quality guys, regardless of their race. By the way, a doctor who is arrogant because he thinks he’s God’s gift to women is NOT a quality guy. On the other hand, a man with little money who is working his way through college and treats you like a queen may very well be a quality guy. When screening a man, you should evaluate his personality, values/religious beliefs, education/ intellectual pursuits, etc, not just his career accomplishments or physical attributes. As the saying goes, all that glitters is not gold.

(4) Regardless of the race of the man, don’t blow off a guy because you don’t like the current job he’s holding. Focus on what his vision is for his career and what CONCRETE steps he’s taking to achieve that vision. You may be college-educated with a good job and a clerk at the grocery store who seems like a nice guy asks you out. Before you decline his advances, find out more about him. How do you know he’s not working his way through college? How do you know he’s not studying for the LSAT (law school admission exams) in preparation to go to law school?

By the way, if you don’t have your degree, it is extremely unreasonable for you to insist that all the men you date have their degree. If you don’t have your degree and a man approaches you that doesn’t have his, can’t the two of you make the journey of educational improvement together?

The key reason a woman with a degree should be careful about dating someone who doesn’t have one is that men often become resentful in those types of relationships. You don’t want a day to come when the two of you are debating a topic and he erupts with, “You think you’re so smart because you went to college.” Others have said some men in this sort of situation are uncomfortable around the woman’s friends and colleagues who have degrees. Some people are able to make this type of relationship work, though. There are men that are confident enough that they don’t care, but it is a lot to ask of a guy. If you’re in a dating relationship like this, you should make sure you don’t talk down to your man when you’re angry or frustrated.

Also keep in mind that some people may not have a good formal education, but they may be curious about the world and make it a priority to feed their minds anyway. I dated a man like that once and he was very comfortable in a room filled with people who had one or more degrees. Let’s be frank, though; guys like him are few and far between.

(5) DO NOT date men from countries where arranged marriages are common. It is too risky. Examples of such countries are India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Bangladesh and Nepal. They typically will date American women and act like they are free-thinkers who will stand up to their families; however, eventually, the vast majority of these guys will leave the American girl to marry the girl their parents have selected for them. Even if the guy is a U.S. citizen, but he grew up in a country known for arranged marriages, stay away from him. If the guy grew up in America, that is a different story because he probably won’t be open to an arranged marriage.

I know there’s a blog written by one black woman who is married to a guy from India, and sure, there may be a few other one-in-a million examples that don’t jive with what I’m saying; however, don’t let those isolated examples contribute to the blueprint for your life. The probability of a relationship with men from these countries leading to marriage is virtually nil. You don’t have time to be playing Russian roulette by entering extremely high-risk relationships. We know that, time-wise, the stakes are higher for a woman than a man in a dating relationship. You should therefore stay away from a man when you know going into the relationship that there is a 99.9% chance he will not marry you and spend your time on relationships that have a higher chance of being successful.

By the way, if you and your guy are over 23, have been dating for over 1 year and he isn’t ready to marry you, re-evaluate the relationship. One year should generally be long enough to know whether you want to marry a person. (I know there are extreme cases where exceptions must be made--for example, if he’s in the military and was deployed abroad for much of the year you’ve been together).

(6) A bw online wrote that bw should add “- Race Unimportant” at the end of their profile caption when on a dating website so non-bm will know instantly that you are open to all races. (Alternately, you can add “- Open to All Races” at the end of your profile caption.) When guys do a search on women’s profiles, the search results will show your picture, profile caption and a few lines from your profile. It’s not every person who will actually click a profile to see if a woman has race preferences. Instead, they may just make assumptions that black women only date black men. You increase your likelihood of attracting more guys by indicating upfront that you’re open to all races. Let’s say for the sake of illustration that your profile caption is “ABCD EFGH,” just add “Race Unimportant” or “Open to All Races” at the end so the caption becomes “ABCD EFGH – Race Unimportant” or “ABCD EFGH – Open to All Races.”

(7) Ladies, unless the non-bm you're talking to says he exclusively dates bw, please don't ask him why he's interested in bw. It comes across as if you have an inferiority complex and think bw are unworthy of love from non-bm. I'm sure most of the women reading this don't really feel inferior to non-bm, but that is how you come across when you ask that question. Now, if at some point in your discussions with this non-bm, he says he only dates bw, it is very appropriate to ask him why--because when people date one race exclusively, it is typically their own. I don't think you automatically have to write off a non-bm because he only dates bw though.

Please try your utmost to be aware of how you are presenting yourself wherever you go –both on the Internet and offline. A friend told me that an older, married man at a church had been watching a young single lady there for very long time, unbeknownst to her. They interacted frequently, but she didn’t know he had any special interest in her. After a while, he approached her to say he was impressed with the way she carried herself and he thought she would be a great match for a younger, single relative of his. My friend said the lady is now happily married to the man’s relative that she was introduced to.

Similarly, I was at store several years ago (in my single days) and I was conversing with the proprietor. I made a philosophical comment that one of the patrons overheard. My statement intrigued him and he decided to pursue me romantically. I was seeing someone else at the time, so I ended up not dating this man from the store; however, my point is that you never know who is watching you and evaluating whether you could be good romantic partner for somebody they know or for themselves. You have to properly manager your image.

A while ago, I saw a bw on a public message board, with her picture posted, making comments about her insecurities. There were several men who posted on the message board, some of whom were single and actively seeking a girlfriend. The statements she was making would surely drive a lot of the men on the message board away from her. People are attracted to those with a healthy self esteem. I’m sure some guys who are users and abusers would be drawn to her after reading her comments, but who wants that type of guy? Since she had her picture up there, an abuser/user who saw her picture on the message board enough times would be able to identify her even if he met her at a different venue; he’d think to himself, “Yeah, that’s the one with the hang-ups, so I can exploit her.” And Google would probably archive the web page she posted on for perpuity.

There is a time and place for everything. I know we all need advice and encouragement sometimes. A better venue to post about her insecurities online while displaying a picture would have been a membership-only forum that is for like-minded black women. Even a membership-only forum can be infiltrated by meddlesome deceivers, but at least the membership application hoops they have to jump through may serve as a deterrent to some of them. I’m not saying never post your picture online because I’ve seen people who do this while being responsible about it —they don’t divulge information about themselves that could come back and bite them in the behind in the future. (If you have issues with your self-esteem, I’m very sensitive to your pain and I sincerely hope for healing for you. Please check out the two books I’ve listed that address self-esteem concerns in women in the “Misc Links” section of this blog. Or get the names of the books from bullet 2 of this post.)

Lastly, please remember that the image you project wherever you go has the power to reinforce negative stereotypes about bw or chip away at them.

(8) I caution you against inter-faith marriages, and therefore, inter-faith dating. I know it’s not the cool thing to say, but there are many attitudes that are acceptable in our society that can be harmful to people in the long-run. Even if you and the man in question are not devout followers of your respective faiths, inter-faith marriages are just too risky. What happens if the guy later decides to re-dedicate himself to following his religion after you marry him? Or how about if you later decide to re-dedicate yourself to following your religion? There is a high likelihood of intractable conflict in either case.

If the key tenets of your faith contradict his, how can you in good conscience say that you will raise your children to follow both religions, as is common in inter-faith marriages? You could find yourself in the position of allowing the mind of your innocent 10-year-old to be filled with theology you believe to be wrong or even sinful. After a religious leader at your husband’s house of worship has taught your kid a concept you don’t believe in, instead of telling your child it is wrong and why it is wrong, you’ll be reduced to tip-toeing around the issue so you do not offend your husband, his family, etc. I firmly believe in inter-faith friendships, inter-faith cooperation to fight community and global problems and ignoring a person’s religion when hiring and promoting individuals in the workplace. Inter-faith marriages, however, are not prudent.

I knew a woman who was in an inter-faith relationship. Religion did not play a big role in either her life or the guy’s, so they thought they’d be able to accommodate each other—and they did, but only for a while. Just as they had reached a major milestone in their relationship, the man became very serious about his religion and the relationship went bust. Fortunately for her, his religious re-dedication happened before they decided to get married, so no marriage occurred.

If you have a religious affiliation (even if you consider yourself non-practicing) and the man is an atheist or agnostic, still leave him be because you can have the same problems as in an inter-faith marriage. I was listening to a radio advice show several years ago and a woman called in because she was having marital problems. When she had married her husband, he had been an atheist and she had considered herself almost a non-practicing Christian. She later dedicated her life to Jesus and her decision caused strife in her marriage. When she would read Bible stories to their son, her husband would make disparaging statements about the Bible. When she wanted to take their son to church, her husband would object. Her husband would repeatedly make disrespectful comments about Christianity, ignoring how his words offended her. The best “solution” for this sort of case is to do everything within your power (within reason) not to be in a relationship like this in the first place.

Someone may say, “Well, there’s also a risk that a guy with the same religious background as me may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system. There’s also the risk I may convert to another religion or an opposing religious belief system.” Well, with human nature being what it is, people are more likely to re-dedicate their lives to the religion they were raised in than to convert to another religion entirely. I know every marriage (whether inter-faith or intra-faith, interracial or intra-racial, etc) has inherent risks; you won’t be able to remove every type of risk before entering a marriage, but you can take reasonable steps to reduce certain risks. Steering clear of dating men of other faiths or opposing religious beliefs is one of those reasonable steps you can take to avoid future chaos in your marriage.

Incidentally, there may be some people of faith reading this that balk at the fact that I used the terminology ”re-dedicating themselves to their religion,” as opposed to “re-dedicating themselves to God.” I used the terminology so that it could be generic enough to apply to various religions, some of which don’t hold to a belief in God or any gods per se.

(9) Here’s a website that you can use to do a background search on someone you meet online: http://www.datingdetective.net/

Read articles and a book on online dating so you can learn from the knowledge and experience of others. Try to get a book, not just an article, because a book will cover more scenarios. By the way, I’ve heard women (not just bw) say that you should date multiple men until you and a guy decide to be exclusive. This is better than just focusing on one guy that you like and freaking out if he doesn’t call you exactly when you hoped he would--meanwhile, dude is dating you, Keisha, Peggy Sue, Tameka and Laura too.

Also, I was reading a bw’s online magazine recently and a bw wrote about something sneaky that a guy she was dating did. He told her he had removed his profile from the dating website where they met, so she told him she would do the same. She went online to delete her profile, but first decided to verify that he had really deleted his. It turned out that he had not; instead, he had just blocked her username from being able to view his profile. She was able to tell he was deceiving her because she had another username that he didn’t know about and her friend also saw his profile on the dating site. Hmmmm… Make sure you do some investigative work like this bw when you’re doing the whole online dating thing.

(10) Don’t just post a profile on a dating website. Also read men’s profiles and email those who you’re interested in getting to know. You’re not breaking some unwritten rule by doing this—it is perfectly allowable online since the guy posted his profile. Now, in the offline (real) world, I wouldn’t suggest approaching a man because a guy will most likely see you as desperate or loose if you do that.

If you encounter an interesting man on a blog or discussion board on a non-dating website, don’t make the first move. I’ve seen women approach men for romantic purposes on message boards of non-dating websites; even I was embarrassed for them because it looked so awkward—despite the fact that some of them tried to be somewhat subtle in the wording of their posts. If it’s on the blog/forum of a dating website, just send an email; don’t try to contact him on the blog/forum. Also, don’t initiate instant message (IM) communication with unknown men on those dating websites because it is too similar to approaching a guy offline. Emailing is better because it is doesn’t require an instant reply, so there’s less pressure on both of you. If you and the guy have already communicated, I see nothing wrong with initiating IM communication sometimes; if you’re the one who is always doing the initiating, obviously, that is a sign the guy’s not that into you.

(11) Women have said repeatedly that meetup.com is a great way to meet guys. I mentioned the website when I was writing about ways to meet men from Europe living in America, but there are so many other meetup groups built around a myriad of interests. For example, there are dinner clubs, book clubs, movie clubs, volunteer groups, etc. Just go to meetup.com and do a search on your hobbies and other activities/subjects that interest you. If there is no meet-up group in your area for the subject/activity you’re looking for, you can indicate you are interested in such a group and you’ll be added to a list of interested people. If enough folks indicate interest in a group forming, someone will probably start the group (by the way, that someone can be you). Also try interracial.meetup.com to see if you find any group of interest in your city.

(12) Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group – It is great place to ask questions and give/get support. However, on occasion, you may see someone making a sexual comment that is inappropriate. I would suggest that you don’t cancel your subscription because someone writes an offensive comment – just move to the next message or topic.

(13) Here are some other interracial dating websites (I mentioned some others in my previous post, “For Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially”):
Blackandwhitesingles.com (FREE), interracialmatcher.com, interracialluv.com

(14) Beware of scammers on dating sites—they are usually abroad, will give you a sob story about adversity in their lives (ex. wife and children died in a car crash) and eventually ask you for money.

(15) In every race, there are men who behave like dirt bags, so, naturally, you must screen any of your prospects. However, if you have some bad experiences with some men in a particular race, that doesn’t mean you should give up on all men of that race—this applies to bm and non-bm.

(16) Here is a post on Evia’s blog that covers online dating for bw: http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2009/10/moving-on-bwsign-up-with-online-dating-sites-you-only-need-one-mr-right.html

(17) Here is a post on Sara's blog, "Interracial Love and Spice," on how to determine whether a non-bm you're seeing is truly interested in you or just wants to sleep with you/satisfy his curiosity about dating a bw: http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/2009/11/is-he-looking-for-true-love-or.html

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 1

2009-06-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of non-black men in Western and Northern Europe who love black women. BW say the non-bm in Europe are generally more open-minded when it comes to relationships with bw than their brethren over here in the U.S. As I have said, there are non-bm dating and marrying bw in the U.S. too, but there is certainly room for improvement, especially in certain parts of the country. (In part 2 of the “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” series, I will discuss an African-American woman’s 3 options if she wants to date men from Europe.)

A Couple of Success Stories
Below is a link to the blog of an African-American woman who had an international long-distance relationship with a man who lived in France and later moved there to marry him. She and her then-boyfriend used to see each other once a month.

By the way, I’ve heard that organizations in Europe give their employees months of vacation annually, so if you’re dating someone who lives in Europe, he can probably stay for much longer than a weekend when he visits you in the U.S. http://mysocalledlifeinfrance.blogspot.com/
This is a link to the blog of a black Canadian woman who had an international long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Italy and later married him: http://enroute2padova.blogspot.com/.

Summary of Black Women’s Romance-Related Experiences in Europe
Here is a summary of what black women have said about their romance-related experiences when in certain European countries:

(i)Germany, Ireland (Republic of Ireland , not the Ireland that’s part of the UK) - Many, many guys were heavily interested in bw

(ii) Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Finland, Iceland (Scandinavian /Northern European countries) – Many, many guys were heavily interested in bw

(iii) Spain and Italy – Bw were treated like goddesses by many guys (one bw said men were proposing on the first day they met her). However, the non-black men were very racist toward black men, especially the soccer players. Another bw said that bw in Spain don’t date Spanish guys because since there are a ton of African prostitutes in Spain, the Spanish guys equate bw with prostitutes. There are a lot of African prostitutes in Italy too, but there have been reports from bw that there are plenty of men in Italy who do marry bw. (I have heard that Italian society tends to have more of a tolerance for a husband’s adultery than we do in America—you should research to see if this is true before getting involved with a man from Italy.)

(iv) France – Many guys were interested in bw, but the interest was not as extreme as in some of the above countries. (Do you really need guys pursuing you in an extreme manner anyway? I mean, who really needs men proposing to her on the first day of meeting her? It’ll be good for an ego boost, but the ego boost will likely be followed by thoughts that the guy lacks sound judgment.) Let me re-emphasize: Bw said there were still a lot of men chasing them in France, but the guys weren’t behaving like fanatics. There have been reports of tons of bw/wm marriages in Paris. By the way, unlike the above countries, France has its own significant population of black folks.

(v) Britain (UK) – Good opportunities for interracial relationships for bw. One bw said your prospects may not be as much as in France. You’ll have more interracial dating opportunities than the U.S., but you will be treated like a normal, attractive woman, not like a goddess with people proposing on the first day they meet you. The reports I have heard are that bw from the U.S. consider London a breath of fresh air when it comes to IR dating and they like it. Black British people are 12% of the population, so you won’t have the “exotic” edge as you would in a place with much fewer black people (like Germany, for example).

Some of you may not like the idea of being seen as exotic. I don’t think it’s any more shallow than when a man and woman of the same race meet each other and he is physically attracted to her. Oftentimes, it is the physical attraction that spurs him to then want to get to know her better. The problem is not if a non-bm considers you exotic. It is if it stops there and he doesn’t get to know you as an individual. Keep in mind a person can value you as an individual and still appreciate your physical qualities. Even in a same-race relationship, a husband will praise his wife’s physical attributes. If you have a good, well-rounded relationship with your non-bm and he says he likes your skin, for example, don’t start acting all weird about it. Just accept the compliment graciously.

Here is an excerpt from a post on interracial dating in London on a blog authored by an African-American woman who is in graduate school there (americanblackchickinlondon.blogspot.com):

One thing that took me by surprise the first time I came to London (this is my 3rd time living here) was the number of interracial couples. I'm accustomed to seeing some interracial couples in Atlanta. But in my hometown (at least growing up) when I saw interracial couples the composition was normally white guy/Asian girl, black guy/white girl, black guy/Asian girl or black guy/Hispanic girl. See where I'm going with this? Rarely did I see black chicks like myself in interracial relationships. When I moved to NYC, interracial couples were much more prevalent, especially couples that included black chicks. But my first time really seeing black women in interracial relationships was when I came to England for a study abroad program in 2003.

And I must admit, this is yet another aspect of London that I love, probably because I do date interracially. It trips me out when I see an advert with an interracial couple which includes a black female, such as the Banana Republic ad I saw in my copy of The Economist last week, or when I watch EastEnders (a popular, long running Brit soap) and there are black women paired with non-black men. Nothing about the ad, the show or the interracial couples in general scream "Hey, look at us! We're different!" or "Look at our interracial love fighting all the odds against us!" In fact, the shows and ads are presented in a very matter of fact way and no real attention is drawn to the fact that half of the couple happens to be a black chick. I suppose in London, such couples really aren't different. To me at least, it seems to be the norm as opposed to Atlanta where it's the exception.

Non-Black American Woman Agrees that BW Are More Appreciated in Europe

See the following link to read about a non-black, American woman’s surprise that white men were chasing after black women so much when she traveled all over Europe with her friends. Note: this is the same link that I had in my blog post titled “For Black Women Interested in Dating Outside Their Race.”
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvnfqD8Uawu52srnPPDjDl2.7BR.;_ylv=3?qid=20080819081827AAEON3z.

Racism in Europe
Be extremely cautious with men from Eastern Europe. Eastern European countries spent decades cut off from the rest of the world while they were communist, so the people there are generally not as open to black folks as those from other European countries. I’m not saying there isn’t racism towards black people in Northern and Western Europe because there is, but generally not as much as in Eastern Europe. Below is a link to the blog of a black woman who is living in Norway (Northern Europe). She seems to like it there, in general, but doesn’t sugar-coat the fact that racism exists in Norway. See her post on how a black female minister was treated by the press (Mar 9, 2008 post titled “Africans in Norway from the 17th Century”). As you read through the blog, you may be curious about her love life –she mentions it in one of her Jan 3, 2008 posts called “The Holidays”-after the Ode to Tracey Ross. http://nigerianwomaninnorway.blogspot.com

Read the next post in the series: “Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 2.”

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Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 2

2009-06-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

OPTIONS FOR DATING MEN FROM EUROPE

There are 3 main options for dating European guys: you meet a European man in the U.S., you enter an international long-distance relationship while you remain in the U.S. OR you move to Europe for school and/or work.

(A) Meeting a European guy in the U.S.
(1) Look for events and activities sponsored by an organization that is celebrating /showcasing the culture/arts/cuisine of a specific European country. Go to the events to expand your horizons and enjoy yourself, so if you happen not to meet anyone you’re interested in at a particular event, you won’t feel like it was a waste of your time. If you decided not to go alone, try to take at least one non-black female friend with you to signal that you are open to other races. Also, perhaps there is a restaurant that serves the cuisine of that country that folks from that European country visit. Perhaps you can have lunch there on a Saturday with or without friends.

By the way, after you’ve found the groups that sponsor these events, post the information online, so other bw can know about them. Perhaps you can post a message on the Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group. (Use key terms in your post that you think bw may search on when looking for information on this topic-ex. “places to meet European men” or “where to meet men from Europe.” At the bottom of your post, write the various key terms bw may do a search on. Ask other ladies in the Yahoo group to post similar information using the key terms so other bw can find the posts later.) Also, you can ask a Black Women IR blogger to create an area on her blog where bw from all over the country can post similar information.

How can you find the groups that sponsor the types of events I mentioned? First, select a European country.
(a) Do a google search on the name of your city and the country. For instance, search on “German AND New York City.” Also try other variations like “Germany AND New York City” or “Germans AND New York City.” Ex., a group of Germans has an organization called “Germany In New York City.” See link: http://www.germanyinnyc.org/

(b) Phone the following places to find out if someone can tell you if they know of an organization/group that holds events in your city to celebrate/showcase the specific European country’s culture/arts/cuisine:
i) the country’s consulate in your city. You can find out if the country has a consulate in your city by doing a google search (ex. search on “Norwegian Consulate Minneapolis”). Alternately, you can phone the country’s embassy in Washington DC to find out if they have a consulate in your city (or they may list the consulate on the embassy website). If you live in DC, the embassy of the European country may be able to tell you about events in the DC area.
ii) a university in your area that teaches the country’s language. Ask some of the professors that teach the language.

(c) Go to the following websites to find out if someone can tell you if they know of an organization/group that holds events in your city to celebrate/showcase the specific European country’s culture/arts/cuisine:
i) Topix.com:

- First, select the forum for the capital city of the European country. (You can also select the forum for the city that is the country’s commercial capital--for some countries like the U.S. and Germany, the political and commercial capital are not the same.) Post a question there. A European living in the U.S. may go to the Topix forum for his country as one way to catch up on what is going on back home. It’s acceptable to write in English because if a European can’t read English, they most likely aren’t living in the U.S.

- Second, go to the forum for your home city and post the question. Also ask if folks know of a general international festival like the one they have in Houston, where countries from all over the world are represented.
ii) The Expat Network: http://www.expat-blog.com/en/network/north-america . The website has a network (directory of people), forums and blogs for foreigners living in America. Click the link for the European country you’re interested in. Contact those from the European country you have in mind that live in your city and perhaps they can answer your question.

(2) Learn the language of a particular European country and practice it with Europeans from that country who are living in the U.S. (You can use Rosetta Stone to learn the language). Meetup.com has expatriate groups for natives of various European countries who are living outside their homeland. The meet-up groups are also for non-natives of the European country who speak its language (that would be you once you learn the language). Here are some expatriate meetup webpages: expatGerman.meetup.com. expatFrench.meetup.com, expatItalian.meetup.com, expatSwedish.meetup.com, etc. Let’s take http://expatGerman.meetup.com, for example. The webpage has a list of meetup groups for Germans/German-speakers living outside Germany. Once on the exptriate meetup webpage for your selected country, browse the webpage to find meetup groups in your city. If there’s not one in your city, add yourself to the list of people who would be interested in joining such a group and you’ll be alerted if a group starts. Each expat webpage on meetup.com (ex. http://expatGerman.meetup.com/) has its own message board. The message board is another place where you can post a question about groups/organizations in your city that showcase the country’s culture/arts and cuisine; the message board is for all expatriates from a specific European country living all over the world, so specify that you’re in the U.S. and give the name of your city. It’s acceptable to write in English because if a European can’t read English, they most likely aren’t in the U.S.

(3) Here is a list of a few of the websites that may be help for meeting Europeans in America:
http://www.madeinitalynyc.com/ social events organized by Italians – New York Ciy
http://www.germanyinnyc.org/ - New York City

http://www.scandinaviahouse.org/ - New York City

(Aside: I know this series of posts is about dating men from Europe, but when you’re on dating sites, check out the profiles of non-black guys in Canada too. I’ve heard bw are finding love with non-bm over there. Target Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. If you marry a foreign non-bm and decide to move to his country, please consider having the wedding in the U.S. so it can encourage more bw to wake up and start opening up to interracial dating.)

Even if you are not interested in section B (below) on entering international long distance relationships, please be sure to read the paragraph at the end of the page titled "Avoiding Guys that are Users." The principle outlined there can help you whether your dating prospect is in the U.S. or abroad.

(B) Entering into an International Long-Distance Relationship with a Man in Europe
(1) Try these dating websites: AfroIntroductions.com, Interracial Dating Central. There are a lot of non-black guys from Europe on these websites looking for black women. When doing a search, just select a European country to be the location. Someone who has used Interracial Dating Central has said all the men from Europe that she interacted with from that website were always willing to travel to the United States to meet her.

Here are a few other international dating sites where you can meet Canadian and/or European men:

(i) http://BlackAmericanBrides.com/ – It is an introduction service for those who are marriage-ready and it will link black women with men overseas or with military men in the U.S.

(ii) http://BlackFemaleScandinavianMarriage.com/ (for black women and Scandinavian men)

(iii) http://www.wdating.com/

(iv) http://www.internationalcupid.com/

(v) http://www.lavaplace.com/

(vi) http://www.LuvFree.com/

(vii) http://www.BlackBridesInternational.com/ (notice this is different from BlackAmericanBrides.com)

(viii) http://www.europeankiss.com/

Also, though Plenty Of Fish doesn’t market itself as an international dating site per se, it does have members from all over the world.

(2) Pick a European country and learn the language (with Rosetta Stone software, for example). Go into international chat rooms to practice the language with people from that country. Who knows who you can meet that way? Earlier, I supplied the link to the blog of an AA woman who moved to France to marry her boyfriend. She met her boyfriend by going on to an international chat room to practice a European language she was learning. One other AA woman said she has met men in Europe this way. She said she used ICQ chat. Once you are able to read and write quite well in the European language, you can expand your dating pool on the dating websites mentioned above because you will no longer be limited to the guys who write their profiles in English. You will also be able to use one of Match.com's European websites. Have a look at the following link and you will see that Match.com has 17 European dating websites—for example, Match.com Germany and Match.com Sweden: http://www.match.com/matchus/international/index.aspx.

(3) Another option is to visit a European country on vacation (make sure you’ve done your prep work by learning the language). Keep in mind that few people are going to meet the love of their life on a 2-week vacation, so go there primarily to enjoy yourself and if you meet someone, great. You can also combine #1, 2 and 3.

Success Story:

One older bw said that she has found that non-black men in America who are middle-aged or older are less likely to actually marry a bw. She believes this is because they were brought up in an era where interracial relationships with bw were more taboo than they are today. She said she and her friends who are in their 50s decided they would visit Germany to look for non-black husbands and they were successful in their search.

Avoiding Guys that are Users:

Please note: It is possible for an industrialized nation in Europe (not just Eastern Europe) to have such chronically high unemployment that some of its citizens want to emigrate to somewhere like the U.S. I am not referring to unemployment caused by the global recession, but a persistently high unemployment even when there is no worldwide economic crisis. If you are looking at dating site profiles of men from a country with chronically high unemployment (ex. France), you need to take some extra precautions; you want to minimize the risk that a guy just wants to marry you so he can come here to find a good job. One example of a precaution you can take is having stricter requirements for the sort of job a prospective suitor holds compared to your standards for someone in the U.S. Don’t let anyone convince you that this approach is materialistic. It is just about taking prudent measures to protect yourself from being the victim of a user.

URGENT:
After you finish reading this 4-part series, “Black Women Dating Men from Europe,” check out what I’ve written about preventing cancer in the Health section at the bottom of the following post: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/2009/06/for-black-women-interested-in-dating_28.html

Read the next post in the series where I write about the 3rd option (Moving to Europe for School and/or Work): “Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 3.”

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 3

2009-06-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

(C) Moving to Europe for School and/or Work
Moving to Europe is a wonderful opportunity for bw to explore another culture and hopefully meet Mr Right. Having said that, don’t look at the endeavor with rose-colored glasses. Evaluate the risks involved and do what you must to minimize them. Do lots of research first. For example, contact black women living in Europe to ask them questions. There’s actually a blog called “Black Women in Europe;” that should be a good resource. Also, contact the authors

of the various blogs I’ve referenced in this “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” series of posts. The author of the “American Black Chic in London” blog is in London for graduate school so I’m sure she would be of great help. When asking these ladies questions, it is best to ask via email instead of through the comments section of the blog since there’s a higher likelihood they will be more open in private communication.

(1) If you’re planning to move to Europe for school and/or work, my feeling is that the more black people that live in the country, the less racism you will face in the workplace or at school. The less racism you experience, the higher your probability of having a good educational experience/successful career. That’s why I think Britain is a good choice –as I wrote earlier, 12% of the British population is black (and that figure is almost the same as the percentage of black folks in America). In Britain, you’ll face less racism in your career/at school than other European countries and you’ll also have way more opportunities for interracial relationships that you do in America. If you live in London, you can include men in Britain, France and the Republic of Ireland in your dating pool. Paris is not too far from London--it’s a 3 hour trip by train, which is the fastest way to do it. Start learning French before you leave the U.S. so you can start fishing in the French pond too when you get to London.

Let me reemphasize: When I say Republic of Ireland, I am not talking about the Ireland that is part of Britain, as they have a history of instability and violence. Think Dublin, not Belfast. (FYI: My understanding is that it is only within the last 10 – 15 years that Britain has become open to having large numbers of minorities into the professional workforce. Britain does not have as long a history as the U.S. when it comes to black people in the professional workforce, but when you compare it to the other European countries, it would be a better environment for a bw’s career.)

(2) When selecting the country to move to, keep in mind the different economic conditions of each European country (even prior to the worldwide economic crisis). Here are a few examples: Germany is the economic engine of Western Europe. Italy is one of the least developed countries in Western Europe. London is considered the financial capital of Europe (i.e. it has the highest number of financial securities traded) and is actually the bond capital of the world. France has had huge, chronic unemployment problems for years. The last I heard, Norway has a higher per capita income than the U.S., though its GDP is lower.

(3) Looking for a husband shouldn’t be your only objective when moving to Europe. Do it also to experience another culture. That way, if you don’t find Mr. Right while you’re there, you won’t consider the whole experience a waste of time and label it your European misadventure. Obviously, your chances of meeting Mr Right in Europe increase if you actually live there instead of just visiting for a few weeks of vacation, so don’t brush off the idea of moving.

(4) Try your best to find a university or job that is in the commercial capital city of the European country (like what New York is to the U.S.) and not their version of, say, Birmingham, AL. You will find that people in the commercial capital (and its surrounding suburbs) will be more open-minded than others in the “boonies” or “quasi-boonies.” Even if you see a school or job in a metropolitan area, remember that it is not every metropolitan area that will be as open as the capital city. Remember: Birmingham, AL, is also a metropolitan area in the U.S. Does that mean every job in Britain that is not located in the city of London is off limits to you? No. You have to also include the SUBURBS of London in your search. Use the following link to help you decide how far a town is from the capital city: http://www.multimap.com/directions

(5) If you are an evangelical Christian, keep in mind that there are much fewer evangelical Christians in Europe than in America. It may surprise you to find that Europeans actually consider the U.S. to be a very religious society. For example, in Britain, evangelical Christians make up a mere 6% of the population, compared to 20% in America; Britain has even more of an evangelical presence than certain European countries like Ireland and Italy.

(6) Though we are going through a global economic crisis and this is obviously not the best time to be looking for a job overseas, you can start doing the prep work now. For example, you can do research, select a target country, learn the language of your target country, prepare for any admission exam you may need to take to apply to university in Europe, etc . While you bide you time, you can also look into meeting men from Europe in America and also enter an international long-distance relationship with a European guy.

(7) Don’t forget to research, research, research. Visit the European country you are targeting for at least a few weeks to taste and see for yourself before making a final decision to move there. Don’t do one of these fly-by vacation trips where you’re in 4 countries in 2 weeks.

(8) After you’ve found a good a husband, the two of you can move back to America. When you leave the European country, you’re “making room” for other AA women to come over there. What do I mean? If there are too many AA women moving to a European country at a given time, you know the natives will start getting irritated that foreigners are stealing their jobs. I know at first, there may just be a few AA women in the European country, but as time passes, it’s possible other AA women may catch on and start moving there en masse. If most AA women find a husband and bring him back home, then hopefully, we can reduce/avoid employment-related backlashes against AA women there.

(9) After you’ve done your research, don’t forget to share the information you find with other bw. For example, write some posts on the Black Women Who Date Interracially Yahoo Group—use key terms in the post that people may use to do a search on in the future. If you want, you can even have key terms at the bottom of your post like “moving to Europe” or “working in Europe” or “school in Europe” or “living in Europe.”

Read the next post in the series where I continue writing about Moving to Europe for School and/or Work: “Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 4.”

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Black Women Dating Men from Europe – Part 4

2009-06-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Moving to Europe for School and/or Work (Continued):

Moving to Europe for Work:

Here are some ideas/resources that may be helpful in your job-search:

(1) Websites to help with job-search overseas:

www.bunac.org
www.goingglobal.com
www.workingoverseas.com
www.expatwomen.com
www.goabroadfair.ca
greateuropeanjobsite.com
www.ihipo.com > International Careers

www.aiesec.org Someone said that if you are a student, it is good to get involved with AIESEC, which is a student organization. She said it looks excellent on your resume when applying to certain global companies and that it offers great networking opportunities.

(2) One bw commenting online wrote that social workers from around the world are in high demand in Britain. She said she believes the employers want them to have a master’s degree. Here are some links she posted for social workers doing a job-search in Britain:
http://www.uk-pro.net/
http://www.gscc.org.uk/Home
http://www.basw.co.uk/

(3)Books to help with job-search overseas:

The Big Guide To Living And Working Overseas: 3,045 Career Building Resources
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Guide-Living-Working-Overseas/dp/0969600135/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?

International Jobs: Where They Are and How to Get Them
http://www.amazon.com/International-Jobs-Where-They-Sixth/dp/0738207462/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b

(4) You can be an English teacher’s aide through the Language Assistant Program in France. If you are looking for a position that offers a high salary, the language assistant program (or, from what I’ve heard, any position teaching English in Europe) may not be a good fit. By the way, one bw online said an acquaintance told her that the 5 women who she knew who joined the language assistant program in France are now all married to French men. She also said that though French proficiency is listed as a requirement to be accepted into the program, she knows people who were accepted who could barely speak French. My thoughts: If you’re going to live in a foreign country, you help yourself immeasurably if you know the language before moving there, so order the Rosetta Stone software for learning French and get cracking if you want to pursue this program. Here are helpful links for the language assistant program:
http://www.ielanguages.com/assistant.html and

http://www.ciep.fr/en/assistantetr/index.php

It seems that if you are a language assistant, you are now allowed to have a 2nd job to supplement your income—use the following link to see relevant comments on a discussion board: http://www.assistantsinfrance.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=24&sid=ef5c43c29bac5f681c409831cf7ea31. It seems the language assistantship is a program run by the French government and you have a set salary, whereas many of the private language schools pay you depending on how many clients they sign up for you, so the money is not stable. Don’t forget to research, research, research.

(5) For other jobs teaching English in Europe, here are a couple of websites:
http://forums.eslcafe.com/job
http://www.tefl.com/
http://www.esljobs.com/

I found out about these 3 websites from the following post: http://www.travelblogs.com/articles/teaching-english-in-europe-an-overview. If you google “teaching English in Europe,” you will find tons more websites.

As I mentioned previously, it is my understanding that many of the private language schools pay you depending on how many clients they sign up for you, so the money is not stable. You may need to supplement your income.

(6) Do research on any organization in Europe that offers you employment –you don’t want to be suckered into getting involved with some criminal enterprise. When you find a job in Europe, if you have a situation where they hire you without asking you to fly over there for a face-to-face interview, ask other Americans/Canadians who’ve found jobs abroad whether that is suspect. The forum below would be one place to ask a question like that. Even though it is a forum for language assistants in France, there are clearly people there who know about finding jobs outside the assistantship program in France. Perhaps someone on the forum can refer you to other forums where you can ask similar questions for jobs outside France:
http://www.assistantsinfrance.com/forums
Even if you find from your research that it is normal for an employer to offer a job as, say, an English tutor, without a face-to-face interview, don’t be satisfied. Still travel to the country on your own dime to meet your future employer. Also, research the company online, which should include posting questions about it on message boards/blogs.

(7) Contact the U.S. Embassy for your target country and visit their website: You can possibly work for them or ask them if they can refer you to a place where you can find a job for an English-speaking person.

(8) If you work for a multi-national company, you can try to transfer to one of their offices in Europe

Moving to Europe for School:
(1) One disadvantage of enrolling in a university abroad to get a degree: if you come back to the U.S. immediately after graduation to work, you will not have had the advantage of participating in On-Campus Recruiting via the Career Center at a U.S. university. On-Campus Recruiting (OCR) at a U.S. university is advantageous because employers in the U.S. commit to interviewing students from specific university campuses. They may go through 200 resumes from one school, for example. Job applicants who are applying outside of OCR at the company’s websites have perhaps tens of thousands of people they are competing with for a first interview, but with OCR, a student has maybe 199 competitors for an interview. See my short post called “Job Search in U.S. After Graduating in Europe.”

(2) An alternative to enrolling in a European university to get your degree is to do a brief study abroad program.

(3) If you’re going to get a degree in Europe and hope to return to the U.S. to work as a plan B, realize that some degrees are not so easily transferrable from country to country. A math or physics degree is very transferrable because math and physics are the same in every country. A law degree, for example, would not be so easily transferrable. My understanding is that when people get a degree from outside the US that is not so easily transferrable, when they get to the U.S. , they typically pursue a more advanced degree in the field; they do this to integrate themselves into the U.S. system and they then take any professional certification exams required. Talk to people in your chosen field who received their degree from outside the U.S. and came to the U.S. What did they have to do? The professional certification body in your field may also be able to answer similar questions.

(4) If you plan to go to school abroad, get advice from people who’ve done so already. I heard that they only have exams once a year at European universities. A person will have to make sure they are disciplined to make sure they’re studying material all throughout the year and not just cramming just before the once-a-year final exam. Contrast that with the U.S. universities that have some in-built checks against youthful irresponsibility by having you take tests about every month and a final exam each semester; for most reasonable people, this continual testing means that you will be studying regularly throughout the academic year. I also read that, in Europe, when the syllabus has some additional books under the title “Optional Reading,” the books are really required reading.

(5) If your program of study is more than a year long, don’t forget to speak with your university’s career center about when you’re supposed to start looking for an internship. (Your college/department may have a career placement center separate from the general one that caters to the whole university, so check with your department admin office first.) Whether you graduate from the U.S. or Europe, an internship will help you get a full-time job after graduation. The career placement center should have job postings and seminars on the job application process.

(6) I’ve heard they don’t have resumes in Europe—instead they have a much more detailed document called a cv that goes into details of what you did in high school and sometimes, even elementary school.

(7) Ask the career placement center when to start looking for a full-time, post-graduation job. In the U.S., students are supposed to start their job search the September prior to graduation, regardless of whether they are graduating in May or December (ex. Sep ‘09 for Dec ‘09 and May ’10 graduates).

(8) I remember one guy from Spain saying he completed a one-year graduate degree program in Spain that was designed to be more accelerated than if you got the degree in the U.S.; in the U.S., that specific graduate degree usually takes 2 years full-time. He was so busy that he basically didn’t have time for anything else. Depending on what your field of study is and how accelerated the program is, you may not have time for looking for a new boyfriend. If it’s a one year, accelerated program, hunker down and get excellent grades, which will increase your likelihood of getting a job offer from an employer in that country. After graduation, with job in hand, then consider romance.

(9) If you plan on trying to get a job in the European country after graduating from a university there, research how difficult that is for a foreign student in your field of study to do so.

A Small Aside:

If you get engaged to a non-black guy who is in Europe, consider having the wedding in the U.S. Think of all the bw who will attend your wedding or hear about it in some other way if it is held in the U.S.—the knowledge of your wedding may contribute to some single bw finally opening up to IR dating. Having your wedding here will also increase the number of bw/non-bm marriages reported in the U.S., which in turn can contribute to encouraging more black women to decide to date outside their race.

When you do get engaged, if the guy is a non-bm, be sure to put an announcement in a U.S. newspaper. Not only will it encourage other bw, but it will also contribute to the normalization of bw/non-bm couplings in the eyes of other segments of society. For example, as I said in another post, as the number of bw entering dating relationships with non-bm increases, the number of non-bm approaching bw will also increase. There are non-bm in the U.S. reluctant to approach a bw they’re attracted to because they assume she probably doesn’t date outside her race.

More Blogs from BW Living in Europe:

There are other blogs authored by bw who are in Europe who are living outside their home country. (Some of the blogs are by bw who used to live in Europe and their blogs chronicle their stay there.) Here are links to a few of these blogs:
http://letrangere-americaine.blogspot.com/ (She joined the Language Assistant Program in France that I wrote about earlier.)
http://bisousfromparis.blogspot.com/
http://www.blackandabroad.com/
http://vakkerkvinne.blogspot.com/
http://mycrazycoollife.blogspot.com/

Check out my other posts: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Job Search in U.S. After Graduating in Europe

2009-06-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

On top of the standard job search methods, you should also try attending minority job fairs.

I know there’s a diversity job fair in San Marcos, TX in the spring of each year.
There’s also a huge career fair

organized by a consortium of Atlanta universities in the fall of each year (around September, I think). Call the Career Center at Spellman College in Atlanta to get more information.

Some black professional associations in the U.S. sponsor job fairs annually and some have sections on their websites where you can apply for jobs. Many of these professional associations have member-at-large options so you can join even if there’s not a chapter in the country you live in.

At least 15 months before your scheduled graduation date from your European degree program, find out when these various job fairs are held and requirements to participate, so you can start advanced planning.

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen – Emotional Healing for Black Women

2009-06-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

I’m a black woman, but I honestly have to say that, based on my experiences, too many black women have a bad attitude. Yes, there are difficult people in other groups (black men and people of other races), but the proportion of black women that are just hard to get along with is really high compared to other groups. We are continually denying our attitude problem or justifying it, but it’s time for us to stare the truth in the face and work to fix this problem. I know what I’m talking about here. I, myself, am a former attitude queen. When a person would tell me I was being difficult, I would get irritated and defensive and would see my offensive behavior as justified.

There are negative consequences of being a difficult person. You can alienate people and miss out on opportunities in various aspects of your life.

Here are some sample scenarios illustrating the harmful effects I’m talking about. You own a thriving small business, but because you’re full of yourself, you start exhibiting a bad attitude to your customers, as you already do to others in your life. How long will it be before some customers start to move on? Or how about the fabulous boyfriend you had. You were both madly in love and he put up with your difficult personality for a while, but after some time, he was fed up and he ended the relationship. Let us now consider your neighbor who has seen you cussing out other neighbors, the cable guy, the gardener and the clerk at the grocery store. You want him to go to Heaven, so you decide to share the gospel with him and invite him to church. He’s thinking, “Good grief! If following Jesus is going to make me have a negative disposition like she does, I think I’m going to pass on her invitation!” (Yes, people should be focused on the perfection and grace of Jesus and not your sins, but the fact is they do evaluate Christians, partly to see if what we’re “selling” does actually work.)

Additionally, a black woman with a bad attitude not only hurts herself, but other black women. She does so by feeding into negative stereotypes, which means other black women are also going to miss out on opportunities in different areas of their lives; the fact is that, whether we like it or not, a lot of people do (wrongly) judge others based on stereotypes. Once, I went to a retail store to return some placemats that I had bought from there a few months earlier. The assistant manager was working at the return counter at that time. I showed him my receipt and he told me that I could only get store credit, not a refund because I bought the items more than 90 days earlier. As he spoke to me, his tone and body language had a slight edge, as if he was quite sure I was going to throw a tantrum and he was ready to go toe to toe with me. I didn’t throw a tantrum because I felt the store’s policy was the store’s policy and I shouldn’t have waited so long to bring the placemats back. I calmly told him store credit was fine. I could tell that he felt ashamed of the assumptions he’d made about me. He then went on to say that he would give me a refund after all - I think it was his embarrassment that made him immediately change his mind.

I don’t know exactly why he had pre-conceived notions about me-it may have been my race, gender, a combination of both, or just that he was used to customers of various races and genders going off on him when he would only give them store credit. The point, though, is that his pre-conceived notions about me shaped his decision to be somewhat hostile to me. This is a fairly mild example because I wouldn’t have lost any sleep if he had just given me store credit, but how about when the stakes are a lot higher, when a person is losing a promotion or an election or a potential client because of people’s pre-conceived notions about them. What opportunities have you lost out on or could you potentially lose out on because of pre-conceived notions about black women? It’s time we look at ourselves in the mirror and admit that though the whole bad attitude thing may feel good when we’re going off on someone, in the long-run, we are hurting ourselves and our sisters.

If we consider the hardships black women have had to endure, it is understandable why so many of us are too tough for our own good. The bad attitude has become part of our sub-culture. If a black girl sees her mother is excessively tough and so many of the other black women and older black girls around her are like that, she most likely will absorb that character flaw and the cycle will continue. Even if it’s not part of the girls’ personality to be like this, she can get the message that if you don’t want to be taken advantage of or disrespected, this is the way you have to behave. Our condition is understandable, but not justifiable because we are hurting ourselves, other black women who are alive today and future generations of black women. We need to learn to be assertive rather than aggressive, to have strength and at the same time, have restraint.

Even though I’m writing all this, I do recognize that the label of “woman with a bad attitude” is sometimes given to a black woman by a person who is trying to get away with inexcusable behavior. Does a black woman have the right to call the person out for their inexcusable behavior? Yes, she does. The problem is that sometimes the person may have done something that was wrong AND at the same time, your difficult behavior may have been a contributing factor. Oftentimes, we focus on all of the other person’s flaws and not our own. I know there are times when a person has behaved improperly and you have to do something about it and I will address what I believe is the best approach to that later in this post.

I also recognize that there may be some women reading this and thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me. I do nice things for people, I donate to charity, I’m not the Wicked Witch of the West.” It is possible for a person to do good deeds for others sometimes and still be a difficult person. We all have different sides to our personality. So, I’m not necessarily saying you are the Wicked Witch of the West. I’m just saying that you should evaluate whether oftentimes, you do a very good imitation of her close cousin, the Attitude Queen of the East.

Earlier, I called myself a former attitude queen. For me, the improvements in my disposition have been gradual, so I’m no longer an attitude queen, but I wouldn’t say I’m perfect either in this area. What I can say is that I am way, way, way better than I was before and I thank God for the healing and strengthening process He has taken and is taking me through.

So, what can you do to deal with your bad attitude? Take it to God and cooperate with God as He transforms your character.

Transforming Your Attitude – Taking it to God and Cooperating with God
There are 4 steps:
Step 1:
Get right with God if you are not. If you have never accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior or you walked away from Him and want to re-dedicate your life to Him, call 888-NEED-HIM or visit http://www.needhim.org/.
If you are already saved (i.e. accepted Jesus and your Lord and Savior) and are in an active relationship with Him, then skip to Step 2.

Step 2:
Due to the adversity that black women face, many of us harbor anger, grief and bitterness in our hearts, and these then contribute to our bad attitudes. I will guide you through digging into your heart to find what is causing any anger, grief or bitterness (AGB) and you’ll create a prayer list of the various root causes that you uncover. You’ll continue digging and also add to the list any other causes of your difficult personality (aside from the roots of the AGB) and then you will pray about everything on the list, asking God to heal and deliver you.

When I say we’re going to be digging into your heart, realize that it may be an emotionally painful process at times. You’re going to be examining historical and current racial issues as well as non-racial issues. You may also be surprised to find things being harbored in your heart that you felt you had already overcome or had brushed aside in order to “keep it moving,” as we are often encouraged to do. As we encounter challenging circumstances, we must deal with the negative emotions AND also keep it moving, but many a time, we are only doing the “keeping-it-moving” part. In my own life, I thought there was one particular painful event from the past that I had gotten over, but as I was exploring my heart, I found it was still lodging there. There were many items on my prayer list other than this, but this one loomed the largest. When I finally took it to God, I had an emotional breakthrough. All of a sudden, this over-the-top anger that I had felt over certain issues was virtually gone. Praise be to God!

Some may feel that when I’m asking you to consider negative circumstances that have impacted you, I’m asking you to be a victim. This is not about being a victim. It’s about staring the truth in the face and allowing the Holy Spirit, the ultimate Lover of your soul, to heal you, so you can live an abundant life. No matter how much you seem like you have it together in certain areas of your life, if your heart harbors rage, bitterness or pain, you can’t live an abundant life. You may say, “But I’m saved.” Yes, you are saved, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need work done on the inside—all children of God do. Once we are saved, our spirit is re-generated by the Holy Spirit, but our flesh (physical body, mind, emotions, will) is still earthly, so that is why we still sin. The Holy Spirit takes us through the life-long process of sanctification to purify our flesh. Sister, and I’m saying this with love, put down the tough lady mask, get out of warrior princess mode and be transparent before God. He knows you better than you know yourself anyway, so why not speak to Him straight from your heart?

Let’s get started. Just read through this whole post first and then you can follow each step at a later time.
What you’ll need: a notebook that has lined-paper or several sheets of lined, loose-leaf paper with something to keep the sheets together like a binder clip, folder or stapler. If you’re using loose-leaf paper, number each side of the sheet as you use it.

(a) Select a day to be your day of prayer for emotional healing. You can spread it out over two or three days if you prefer. Mark the day on your calendar so you don’t forget. On the day of prayer, you will first spend time exploring your heart and creating the prayer list and then you will pray. If you decide to do spread it over two or more days, then on each day, you’ll write a portion of the list and pray about the portion you wrote that day.

(b) On your first page of paper (your prayer list), write the page title, “Prayer List A." You’re going to create a table on this page (and on subsequent pages too). Make the table have 2 columns. The first column shouldn’t be so wide-just wide enough to be able to write one letter (an “R”).
(i) Draw a line to create the first column.
(ii) Leave the first column without a heading name.
(iii) Write a heading for the 2nd column: it should be called “Prayer Topic.”

(c) Look at the Guide for Uncovering Prayer Topics for Healing which is below (in blue).

Guide for Uncovering Prayer Topics for Healing
(1) Conditions in the black community.
ex.-
* So many black men in jail
* shortage of black men and devastating consequences for dating and marriage for black women
* black women are 57% of new HIV/AIDS cases in the U.S.
* Gang violence
* Hateful things some black men post online about black women

(2) Family:
ex. -
* A poor relationship with a relative you love
* A relative making bad choices

(3) Your Individual experiences that don’t fall under above headings.
ex. -
* Something hurtful someone said to you. For example, someone making fun of your single status.
* Rape
* Sexual abuse
*A broken heart
* Physical, verbal or emotional abuse
* Rejection
* Failures
* Weaknesses

(4) Additional items that don’t fall under any of the above headings
ex.
*An injustice you read about in the news like the genocide in Darfur
*hateful words someone wrote online about a group of people that your best friend belongs to

(d) Pray to God to reveal the root causes of anger, grief or bitterness (AGB) in your heart to you.

(e) Start with the first heading of the Guide for Uncovering Prayer Topics for Healing (I’ll sometimes just call it the Guide). The first heading is “Conditions in the Black Community.” Look at the examples under the heading. Is there anything relating to this heading that you think causes AGB in you? I’ll do an illustration. For the sake of the illustration, let’s make some suppositions. First, you are grieving over the gang violence in the black community. Second, you have a dead 7-year old cousin, whose loss you’re still mourning, who was shot by a stray bullet from a drive-by shooting. Third, you're angry with the behavior of the people in the gang who are wasting their lives and those of others. Leave the first narrow column blank—you won’t be filling it out until you’ve finished your list. Then, write down the heading “Conditions in Black Community” and under that heading, write “gang violence” as one of your prayer topics. If you want, you can even be more specific when you’re writing the prayer topic-i.e. write down gang violence and also refer to your cousin’s situation.

Keep examining your heart and write down the prayer topics associated with this heading. If you find that your list of prayer topics under a particular heading is getting too long for you (ex. 50 topics under one heading), then, if you want, you can write the top 20 that cause the most AGB. When you pray, you will be praying for the heading and for the individual prayer topics. For example, you’ll pray at a general level for the heading, the “Conditions in the Black Community” that cause you AGB and then you’ll also pray about the specific topics under the heading.

Focus on what causes you AGB. It’s different for different people.

When you finish one page of paper, just draw the table with 2 columns on the next page. As a second reminder, if you’re using loose-leaf paper, number the pages.

For some prayer topics, thoughts may enter your mind about focusing on what to do (other than prayer) to fix certain conditions; for example, if one of the causes for your AGB is the astounding high school drop-out rate in the black community, you may start thinking of an organization to join to encourage high school students not to drop out of school. Taking action to help others is excellent and we all need to do it, but prayer should precede it. For this prayer time, focus on 2 things: (i) praying for God to heal you of the AGB caused by the situation and (ii) praying for God to solve the situation itself. Here’s an illustration: if a cause for your AGB is the gang violence, (i) pray to God to heal you of the AGB caused by gang violence and (ii) pray to GOD to solve the gang violence problem and to guide you to know what part you should play in the solution (if that is going to be your ministry). AFTER your prayers, you can start contemplating the earthly action to take to fix the gang violence. Too often, we jump to the “what-action-are-we-going-to-take-to-fix-the-problem” stage without dealing with it spiritually or dealing with the emotional cancer it is causing in our hearts.

As you consider your prayer topics associated with a particular heading, you may find that it is not necessarily one particular topic that causes you high level of AGB, but the topics as a group do.

Don’t take a quick-and-easy approach to this process of exploring your heart. Take your time. Go through the compartments of your heart diligently, thoroughly. Turn off the phone/cell phone/blackberry, etc if you are able to in order to minimize distractions. You need to dig deep into your heart to shine light on the things that are causing you these negative emotions I’ve written about. After you think you’ve finished digging, dig some more. It’s like layers of an onion. You strip off one layer and then there’s another one and then another one, and so on. Keep digging. You may even find that as you’re digging, you have pain that manifests itself physically, perhaps around the area of your physical heart. It’s just like physical surgery. After the anesthesia wears off, you’ll feel pain because a part of your body has been cut. However, after the pain will come the healing.

(f) After you think you’ve finished with the first heading on the Guide for Uncovering Prayer Topics for Healing, go to the next heading and repeat the process in (e). Keep doing the same process for each heading in the Guide.

If you think of a prayer topic that could fall under multiple headings in the Guide, just pick one and go with that.

If, for example, you just finished writing topics for heading 2 (Family) and you remember something you need to add to a previous heading (Conditions in Black Community), on the next line, just write an additional heading titled “Conditions in Black Community (continued)” and proceed.

As you’re going through this whole process, you can take a break if you want to rest or eat.

(g) After you’ve gone through the entire Guide, review your prayer topics and consider which areas you need to repent in—for example, certain failures or weaknesses you may have written down. Put an “R” (for repent) next to the prayer topic.

(h) On a separate sheet of paper, write the title “Prayer List B.” This one may be much shorter than Prayer List A. Create 2 columns, just like you did for Prayer List A.

For this list, you’re going to consider what the additional contributing factors to your difficult personality are other than anger, grief and bitterness. Pray to God to reveal to you what these are and then write them down. One example of a topic for Prayer List B is pride. Another is fear of being seen as weak and being taken advantage of.

You may find that Prayer List B is quite short, perhaps as short as just 2 topics and that’s okay.

There are no headings for the prayer topics on this prayer list.

(i) After you’ve finished Prayer List B, consider which areas on the list you need to repent in. Put an “R” (for repent) next to the prayer topic.

(j) Leave a blank line and then write “***Pray that any causes of my difficult personality that I’ve not yet uncovered will be healed***”

(k) Leave a blank line and then write “***Overall prayer: Transform my difficult personality***”

(l) This is a good place to take a break because after you return, you’ll be moving into the actual prayer phase.

(m) Here is a mnemonic that Pastor Rick Warren has suggested to help folks structure their prayers: P-R-A-Y.

P - stands for praise and thanksgiving to God.
R - stands for repenting of your sins
A - stands for asking God to do things for others and/or you
Y – stands for yielding to God; surrender your life to Him again and asking Him to give you the strength to remain surrendered.

In the praise and thanksgiving, you can start off with a song of worship, if you wish. Lyrics of worship songs are available online. After that, move into the non-musical praise and thanksgiving.

(n) Now, you’ll start your prayers:
(i) Start with praise and thanksgiving to God.
(ii) When you get to the “Repent” phase of your prayers, go through Prayer List A and B and repent in the areas where you have marked the “R.” If any additional sin comes to mind that is not on the prayer list, repent of that too.
(iii) Go through each heading and prayer topic on Prayer List A and ask God to heal you of the anger, grief or bitterness that has been caused by these problems. Ask God to also solve the underlying problems too. (For example, if the issue is the high HIV/AIDS infection rate among black women, ask God to heal you of the AGB caused by this problem AND ask God to solve the problem of the high HIV/AIDS infection rate among black women.) Ask Him to protect you emotionally as you encounter challenging circumstances in life and see situations that greatly disturb you. As I said earlier, you should pray at the heading level and also at the prayer topic level. For example, you’ll pray at a general level for the heading, the “Conditions in the Black Community” that cause you AGB and then you’ll also pray about the specific topics under the heading.
(iv) Go through each prayer topic on Prayer List B and ask God to heal you of those.
(v) Also pray that if there is any other root cause of your difficult personality that you have not yet uncovered and written down, that you will be healed of it and that God would also eventually reveal it to you.
(vi) Pray a summary prayer that God will deliver you of your difficult personality and will give you strength and restraint when you feel like lashing out at a person.
(vii) Yield to God.

(o) Do the day(s) of prayer for emotional healing as often as you need to – once a year, twice a year, once a month, whatever works for you. Do what you need to do for your own emotional health. It can’t just be a one-time thing because events may occur after you pray to cause the negative emotions again. It may even be that you remembered one of the items you prayed about today and remembering it caused the negative emotion again.

(p) Incorporate the prayer that God deliver you from a bad attitude into your regular prayer life (that is separate from this special day). You can decide to incorporate all these prayer topics categories into your regular prayer life or just some of them. I’m not saying that every day when you pray, you necessarily have to pray about your difficult personality, but I’m saying pray about it regularly.

(q) Select the date for your next day of prayer for emotional healing and mark it on a calendar. Find a way to remind yourself to have this special day of prayer at least once a year. For example, you can set it as a recurring appointment in your electronic organizer or the online calendar that comes with your web-based email account.

Step 3:
The next step is to cooperate with God. What does this mean? It means that since you’ve prayed and asked God to help you, you also need to do your part. When God heals you and gives you strength, but you don’t take steps to capitalize on it by taming your tongue, what good is that? You have a part to play too. You need to make an effort. God’s power PLUS your will interact to produce the transformed personality you desire. Try your best, but, at the same time, when you fail, don’t wallow in disappointment forever. Rather, learn your lesson, repent and keep striving to do better.
Here are some of my suggestions on what you can do to cooperate with God:
(a) Decide that you are going to be assertive, not aggressive. Decide that you are going to have strength that is tempered with restraint.

(b) If a person exhibits behavior that is just wrong, your focus should be trying to correct the person’s behavior, as opposed to having and showing a dislike for the person. I remember one pastor saying in a sermon that anger becomes a sin when you’re angry with a person instead of being angry with the person’s behavior; this is very much in line with the old saying, “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.“

(c) Instead of automatically cussing a person out when they do something that displeases you, stop, take a deep breath and look at the situation again, but this time, with your “Gracious Glasses” on. What do you consider when you have your “Gracious Glasses on?” First, try to see the things from the other person’s perspective. Ask yourself whether the situation could just be an innocent misunderstanding. Also, perhaps, what seemed like a major offense will later become minor when you look at it from the other person’s point of view. Give people the benefit of the doubt unless you have a good reason not to. Second, there are some times when you know a person is out of line that you should just let it go. You shouldn’t be continually telling people off, so pick your battles wisely. Remind yourself that God has forgiven you of so many sins and you’ll probably find it easier to extend mercy to the person that offended you. When you do decide to address an issue, you should try to speak with the person in private, if that is an option. A lot of times, if you’re attempting to correct a person in front of others, the person just gets defensive. Also, try to not raise your voice- be calm, but be firm.

(d) If you’re an opinionated person, cultivate an attitude of humility in your heart: recognize that when you’re debating with someone, there are times when you may actually be wrong. Don’t automatically close your mind if someone disagrees with you. Hear them out. Don’t be afraid to concede a point or the whole argument. If you do so, it doesn’t make you look weak, it shows that you are mature. If the other individual decides to respond childishly to your concession, don’t have any regrets because you took the high road. Lastly, when you disagree with a person, do it in a way that is respectful.

Step 4:
If you find that the issues you’re dealing with are extremely deep-seated, you may need professional Christian counseling too. Talk to the pastor at your church because he may be able to provide you with short-term counseling and refer you to a professional Christian counselor if your needs are more long-term. Additionally, you can go to the website of the American Association of Christian Counselors, http://www.aacc.net/, to get a listing of Christian counselors in your local area. You may also want to check out New Life Ministries, which is run by the founder of Women of Faith Ministries. New Life offers a 3-day, intensive, small-group therapy program called the New Life Weekend. All the people in your small group counseling session will be those going through a similar problem as you are. Here’s a link to get more information: http://www.newlife.com/

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

Emotional Healing for Black Women

2009-06-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

If you have anger, grief and/or bitterness in your heart (even if you don’t have a difficult personality), read my post titled “Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen-Emotional Healing for Black Women.” Even if you don’t have a bad attitude, there is a section in the post that can be of great help to you if you adapt it to your situation.

Start reading from the section titled, “Transforming Your Attitude – Taking it to God and Cooperating with God” and do steps 1, 2 and 4. You can adapt the steps to your situation by realizing that the references to a bad attitude are not for you, but the rest of the text is.

Don’t just automatically think to yourself that you don’t have a bad attitude though. I suggest you go the extra mile and read the whole post, “Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen” first and then do some serious introspection to evaluate whether you have a difficult personality.

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

For Single Black Christian Women

2009-06-27T22:55:00.000-07:00

Evangelical Christian women of ALL races need to expand their options beyond the men at evangelical churches because there are simply not enough guys attending these churches. At the time I met him, my husband attended a non-evangelical church. He had been a committed Christian earlier in his life, but from his late teens to the time he met me, he pretty much hadn’t taken his faith seriously. I served as a catalyst to him strengthening his Christian walk. Before we got married, he re-dedicated his life to Jesus and started attending an evangelical church. He is now totally on fire for Jesus. The moral of the story is

that you need to be flexible, ladies.

There are men who are saved who attend non-evangelical churches. There are men who once dedicated their lives to Jesus, but now don’t attend any church. Consider introducing a guy that falls into either of these 2 categories to a man of mature faith at your (preferably multi-ethnic) church who can dialog with him or even mentor him spiritually. How about introducing the guy to 888-Need-HIM, one of Bible Study Fellowship’s men’s groups and/or Full Gospel Business Men’s Fellowship? How about praying and reading the Bible daily with the guy to help him establish a daily devotion time? Of course, ladies shouldn’t date this type of man until they feel he’s serious about his faith—you can just be friends until then. However, if you meet a guy (online or wherever) and he doesn’t show any interest in dedicating or re-dedicating his life to Christ after you’ve brought it up a few times, don’t beat your head against a stone. Remove him from your list of dating prospects and if you feel there’s a danger you may develop a crush on him, don’t even do the just-friends thing.

Keep in mind that there are relatively few men who will be responsive to your bring-him-back-to-the-fold approach, so go into this with reasonable expectations. (All you want is one great husband though, not 10 million.) I would also add that these 3 paragraphs really only apply to women who feel they are strong enough in their faith to do this. You don’t want a situation where a back-sliding guy influences you to abandon your faith instead of you influencing him to become stronger in his faith. Consider asking someone to be your spiritual accountability partner. You would talk to the person regularly about your walk with Jesus, the guys you are screening/dating and your relationships with these men. Your accountability partner should lovingly call you out when you’re going down the wrong path and give you kudos when you’re making the right decisions.

Many of the people who will tell you not to adopt this cast-a-wider-net approach have their spouses at home and are happily married, so they typically can’t relate to what you’re going through. “Don’t enter a missionary relationship,” they will say. What are the reasonable, concrete alternatives they are offering you? There are a host of typical sayings evangelical women hear when they indicate concern about their single status. Do the people making these statements have any real solutions for you or are they just trying to anesthetize your pain and avoid the problem with spiritual words that don’t quite apply to your situation? Plenty of evangelicals have been indoctrinated into thinking that if we just tell ourselves enough times that the singleness problem in evangelical churches isn’t really a problem, then maybe we’ll be okay. YOU know it’s not OKAY though, so it’s time to be bold.

Yes, single Christian women should pray for a husband, but you should also take direct action. Yes, single Christian women shouldn’t make the desire for marriage an idol, but it is possible to take direct action to increase your likelihood of meeting your husband without turning into an idolater. In so many areas of our lives, from evangelism to helping the poor, we pray AND take direct action. Why is it in the realm of dating and courtship that all of a sudden you’re not supposed to take direct action? Perhaps because these good, well-meaning people who are giving you bad advice can see that they’re too few single men at evangelical churches and they simply have no idea what you should do—or the ideas they have are repulsive to them. Being still before God about your singleness means that you’re being patient in this area; it doesn’t mean that you have no part to play in addition to prayer. You definitely need patience because there is no guarantee you’re going to get engaged 6 months or a year or even 2 years after you decide to take the steps I’m writing about.

I think it’s good for women to take direct action by joining dating websites, asking friends to fix them up, etc, but the most important thing is to first have a truly intimate relationship with Jesus. I’m not saying everyone who is single is unmarried because they don’t have an intimate relationship with Jesus. It’s just that I think we do often need to go through a preparation phase (I know I certainly did). We won’t be perfect at the end of the phase, but we can start dealing with the mightiest strongholds of the enemy in our lives. Fast and pray to overcome the stronghold. Try fasting for 3 days. It doesn’t necessarily have to even be a full-day fast. For each of the 3 days, you can do a partial day fast which you break at 12 noon or 1pm. You can drink liquids if you want, like diluted fruit juice (50% juice and 50% water). Remember to pray before ending the fast each day. Keep praying about the issue until you get your victory and keep praying about it after victory too.

It is important to pray regularly about finding a good husband. I used to pray regularly (once a week) about finding a good husband; one and a half years after I started the prayers, I got engaged to a gem of a guy and we’ve been happily married for several years now. Consider doing these prayers with a friend, as there’s spiritual power in numbers.

When you join a dating website, don’t just complete a profile. Be proactive and email guys you find interesting. It’s not unseemly since the guys posted their profile. In your profile, indicate that you are looking for someone who is a dedicated Christian or someone who wants to be one. (Maybe you’ll turn out to be a catalyst to bring a guy back to the fold if he’s strayed.)

Btw, a couple of black ev. Christian woman said they’ve met some guys with general sites like PlentyOfFish.com—one of these ladies is married now, actually. Another black ev. woman who is now married to a committed Christian said she met men via interracial dating sites. A few of the interracial dating sites are InterracialMatch, AfromRomance, InterracialDatingCentral and PokadotGarden; Pokadotgarden.com is actually an interracial, Christian dating site. There are religious dating sites like SingleC. com (Singles Christian Network), ChristianMingle.com and Soul Match.com that ask people for their racial preferences, so you don’t have to waste time on non-black men who don’t want to date bw. ChristianMingle and Soul Match have a mutual match feature where you can see guys who meet your criteria while, at the same time, you meet their criteria. ChristianMingle will email the mutual matches to you, while Soul Match will show them to you when you do a search.

Ladies, don’t fret that there are some guys who aren’t interested in dating bw. Don’t let these men’s dating preferences undermine your confidence. Focus on the men who want to date bw. If you are saved, you are a daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords, a highly-favored princess; the Sovereign Lord of the Universe lives inside of you. Keep your head up like the blue blood that you are. If you have any thoughts causing you to doubt your worth, those are the evil whispers of the Devil, the enemy of your soul. Rebuke him in the name of Jesus. You are the King’s kid and Satan is your defeated foe.

Okay, back to discussing dating sites now. When you’re on the non-Christian dating sites, one way to find committed Christian men is to do a keyword search on the profiles on the site. This will show you the profiles of all men that typed specific words in their profile. Search on keywords like: Jesus, Christ, Christian, God, Christianity, Christ-follower, godly, faith, devout, religion, religious, Bible, church, saved, born-again, believer, gospel, Good News and ministry. You get the picture. I wouldn’t rely solely on a keyword search to ferret out the committed Christians; this is because the person may use words to indicate his dedication to his faith that are not on your keyword list; or he could have made a typo when writing the word or in he have may been raised in a country where the spelling of the word is different than the American spelling, etc, etc. So, instead of only relying on a keyword search, you should also do the nitty-gritty work of browsing through profiles to identify dedicated believers. Yes, it may be a bit inconvenient, but just keep your eyes on your goal: a happy marriage to a committed Christian man. On a non-Christian dating site, there probably won’t be that many “targets,” especially if you’re looking at profiles of European men (Europe has a smaller proportion of devout Chritians than the U.S. does). However, I still think it’s a good idea to not just limit yourself to Christian dating sites because they are dominated by evangelicals; you should “expand your coast” beyond evangelical men for the reason I discussed earlier. Even if you just have a few “targets” on a non-Christian dating site, one of them may be your future husband and you only need ONE.

There are some Christian dating sites that are specific to a non-evangelical Christian denomination, and clearly, those won’t be dominated by evangelicals. I recommend you join one or more of these Christian dating sites for non-evangelicals, if they’ll let you. There may be born-again Christian men on those sites that could be good husband material, perhaps with some “gardening” on your part. I think the key is that the guy believes (not just knows) the Apostolic Creed, believes Jesus to be his Savior, has dedicated his life to following Jesus and believes the Bible to be God’s Word. (FYI: In some marriages where the husband and wife are from different Christian denominations, they each go a church of their own denomination and some couples decide that the kids go to church with mom.) Don’t cross the line though; it’s a bad idea to date or marry anyone who practices a religion that has aspects of Christianity in it mixed with other beliefs—that would be being unequally yoked with non-Christian, which the Bible tells us not to do. Here are a few Christian non-evangelical singles dating services I found online (I’m sure there are a lot more out there):

http://www.lutheransonline.com/lutheransonline/singlesseeking/ (free),

http://www.lutherandatingforfree.com/ (free),

http://meetlutheransingles.com/,

http://www.catholicsingles.com/,

http://www.catholicmingle.com/,

http://www.catholicmates.com/ (free).

Here’s a little anecdote from a commenter on The Gift of Singleness blog: She said most of the single evangelical Christian men she dated before she got married were either not serious about marriage or demanded pre-marital sex. Her husband is a Christian who is non-evangelical and was willing to wait before marriage before they had sex. She also says he reads his Bible and prays daily and has been an inspiration to her in this area. Aside: Some mainstream Christian denominations have evangelical or evangelical-type sub-denominations ex. evangelical Methodists, charismatic Catholics.

Check your email messages daily to see if guys on dating sites have initiated contact/responded to your emails/winks and reply emails the day you receive them, if you can. However, don’t search for/browse profiles and initiate contact with guys (emails/winks) daily. Read profiles and send emails/winks at most 3 times a week; I say this because you still need to have a full, Jesus-centered life beyond cyber dating.

FYI: There are a lot of single non-black evangelical (ev.) Christian women complaining that many of the single ev. Christian men behave in an ungentlemanly way towards them because of the gender imbalance in evangelical churches. Sound familiar? Anytime you have a severe shortage of guys in a community and the women of that group decide not to date out, you will have a lot of men of the group taking advantage of the situation. Black women face this in the larger black community. Non-black women are facing this in the evangelical (ev.) Christian community. On the Christian dating sites, you’ll even find that some of the ev. guys are incredibly arrogant; I told my husband some of the stuff these guys are putting single ev. women through and he was in total shock. You see, he spent most of his single adult years outside of the evangelical church, so he was not aware of the I-am-a-tin-god syndrome that seems to have taken over too many single men in evangelical churches. A Christian singer (a man) released a song called “Gone” that I believe is in response to this shameful behavior we are seeing among some single ev. men.

Anyway, if a non-black ev. man on a Christian dating site treats you disrespectfully, don’t assume it’s because you’re a black woman; he probably treats non-bw on the dating site the same way. Don’t write off the ev. guys though because there are gentlemanly ones out there. Just be willing to expand your territory beyond evangelical circles too (if you feel strong enough in your Christian walk to do so), as I’ve discussed earlier in this post.

If you’re a non-Christian, please don’t say you’ll stay away from Christianity because you’ve heard that many single evangelical guys don’t treat the single evangelical women well. Being a Christian means that you are a follower of Jesus, not that you are a follower of Christians. Jesus is perfect, but Christians are not, so when you’re making the eternity-impacting decision of whether to dedicate your life to Jesus or not, focus on Him, not us, His feet-of-clay followers. If you want to find out more about what it means to dedicate (or re-dedicate) your life to Jesus, call 888-NEED-HIM or visit http://needhim.org/.

Candice Watters, the author of “Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen,” is promoting a new Christian dating website called “Marry Well.” MarryWell.org is being billed as an “alternative to the online dating superstore” and “a better path to marriage.” The website plans to “focus on intentionality and Christian compatibility,” allow you to “invite support from friends, family and mentors” and provide “coaching at keys steps along the way.” Be sure to have a look at this new dating site and read Candice Watters’ book. Also check out Candice’s helpful blog for ev. Christian women who want to marry, HelpGetMarried.org. There are also some FREE Christian dating sites that you may want to consider like RealChristianSingles.com and ChristianDatingforFree.com. My understanding is that these two free dating sites give you access to all their features at no charge, unlike some others where a free membership is a limited-feature membership. NOTE: Some Christian dating sites have a membership option in which you pay a one-time fee to be a member until you get married. ex. MarryWell.org and SinglesOfFaith.com.

Here are a couple of other books you should read:
(1) "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness" by Debbie Maken. You may find the author a bit harsh at times in this book, but still read it because it has good information.
(2) "Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret" by T. D. Jakes. You may think this book is primarily for engaged couples, but all singles who want to marry (even if you're not in a serious relationship yet) can benefit from this book; in fact, there are some sections of this book that can be of help to most adults, regardless of marital status.

As I have written in my posts on black woman dating men from Europe, black women are highly sought-after in some western and northern European countries. Don't forget to exercise your European options, ladies. For dating non-bm who are abroad, check out AfroIntroductions, Interracial Dating Central and, if you speak a European language, one of Match.com's European websites. Have a look at the following link and you will see that Match.com has 17 European dating websites—for example, Match.com Germany and Match.com Sweden: http://www.match.com/matchus/international/index.aspx. Don’t turn up your nose at international long-distance relationships because some of them do work. Read my series of posts titled “Black Women Dating Men from Europe” for some international long-distance success stories. If you don’t speak a European language, you can always learn –try Rosetta Stone software, which the U.S. Army uses for language training.

When you’re on the Christian dating sites, don’t forget to also browse the profiles of guys in Europe and Canada. ChristianCafe (CC) has a ton of Canadian and European guys – I believe CC has the largest database of Christian singles of all Christian cyberdating services. If you speak a European language, you can also search google in that language for Christian dating sites in a European country. Here are a few other international dating sites where you can meet Canadian and/or European men (some are free):

(i) http://BlackAmericanBrides.com/ – It is an introduction service for those who are marriage-ready and it will link black women with men overseas or with military men in the U.S.
(ii) http://BlackFemaleScandinavianMarriage.com/ (for black women and Scandinavian men)
(iii) http://www.wdating.com/
(iv) http://www.internationalcupid.com/
(v) http://www.lavaplace.com/
(vi) http://www.LuvFree.com/
(vii) http://www.BlackBridesInternational.com/ (notice this is different from BlackAmericanBrides.com)

(viii) http://www.europeankiss.com/

Also, though Plenty Of Fish doesn’t market itself as an international dating site per se, it does have members from all over the world.

MeetChristianSingles.com is not a dating website, but it has user reviews of dating websites (the Christian Dating Directory) and good advice for Christian dating. Also check out the Gift of Singleness (GoS) blog --see side bar for link; it challenges the concept of the gift of singleness that some in the church are promoting--a concept that is causing many single people to feel guilty for wanting to marry and is discouraging them from taking direct action to find a spouse. The GoS blog also has posts on how evangelical churches can ramp up outreach to men.

- Delight yourself in the Lord and He will grant you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

More for Single Black Christian Women

2009-06-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

(1) Don’t be discouraged by the challenging dating landscape for single evangelical women. Remember, beloved sister, that “we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor 5:7).

(2) MeetChristianSingles.com (MCS): As I mentioned in a previous post, it is not a dating site; it is a site where you can find advice on Christian dating (for example, there’s information on using a dating detective to help you screen people) and also reviews of Christian dating websites.

MCS has multiple sections on its website where you can get advice on Christian dating (each section covers different topics):

* Christian Dating Advice section: http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/christians/christian-dating-advice.html
* Christian Dating Articles section:
http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/christian-dating/tableofcontents.html
* Christian Singles Articles section:
http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/christian-singles/toc.html

Also, MeetChristianSingles.com (MCS) has a 2 sections where Christian Dating websites are reviewed:
*Reviews done by MTS staff/volunteers (these are on the homepage): http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/
* User reviews (they are in the Christian Dating Directory section):
http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/review/review_categories_yahoo.php

Don’t forget to complete a user review of dating websites after you have been using the dating site for a while (MCS suggests at least 1 month).

MCS seems to be pressuring Christian singles to only use Christian dating websites owned by Christians. I think it’s a great idea to support other Christian businesses, but if you have a situation where the non-Christian owned dating website (like Christian Mingle and Soul Match) is offering a valuable feature that the Christian-owned ones are not, I see no problem in using the services of the non-Christian-owned website.

I also think that a website like SoulMatch (operated by Beliefnet) will give you more access to the backsliding Christian guys than some of the other Christian dating websites. By the way, Beliefnet is a website that has information on various religions and one often sees references to the website in secular media. A backsliding Christian guy may decide he doesn’t want to go to an explicitly Christian dating site because it reminds him of his failings. He, however, may not be averse to a dating website targeted at people of all religions because many of these guys don’t necessarily hate Christianity—they just don’t want to deal with it in full force. Maybe you can help to bring the guy back to the fold. Before you dismiss what I’m saying or label me a heretic, please re-read my post titled “For Single Black Christian Women” where I wrote about my husband’s spiritual condition when I met him. Like I said, the dude is on fire for Jesus now, but he wasn’t when we met.

Here is a link to an article on the various stages of Christian dating: http://www.meetchristiansingles.com/christian-dating/stages.html

(3) A couple of other Christian dating websites out there are Singles of Faith and Christian Café.
To recap, the Christian dating websites I mentioned in a previous post are: ChristianSingles.com (for marriage-minded Christians), SingleC.com (Singles Christian Network), ChristianMingle.com and SoulMatch.com.

(4) I recently visited the website of a single, attractive, 43-year-old, black Christian woman who lives in New Jersey. She is active in her church and is seeking a man of any race who is a practicing Christian. She is college-educated, successful and self-employed. Here is what she wrote about her experiences on dating websites:

Singlesnet.com - I’ve gotten, by far, the most responses from them. What’s great
about them is that if I have a paid membership, guys can email me (if I want
them to) for free. From what I’ve read on other reviews, they have the #1
membership. The notification emails can get a little annoying, but you can
change your settings.

Plenty of Fish is in second place. Plenty of Fish
is a free website, so quantity is not necessarily the best quality. I do,
however, like the IM feature, which allows you to screen before saying yes
to an IM

Match.com. I have always and continue to love Match.com Why? I
don’t get as many responses, but I do like the quality of men, as well as
the ability to read more in depth profiles, for those who choose to write
more.

ChristianCafe – I like the specialty, but I rarely get emailed. So there’s not a lot of action happening for me on this site. Maybe that will change.

5) Don’t engage in pre-marital sex. Pray fervently for God to help you to be sexually pure. There are guys even in evangelical churches that will pressurize a girl to have pre-marital sex. Don’t compromise your standards because you’re in love and scared you’ll lose the guy. When my husband (then fiancé) and I were very tempted, we prayed to God together to give us strength not to succumb to temptation and it helped big time.

A girl I used to work with said she agreed to have pre-marital sex with her boyfriend and it caused there to be a wall between her and God, so she couldn’t pray. Another girl said that when she was in college, she received a fairly unusual spiritual gift, and then she started having sex with her boyfriend. Eventually, she lost the spiritual gift. What does it profit a woman to gain a serious boyfriend, but jeopardize her relationship with God, the ultimate Lover of her soul? Also, even if the guy ends up marrying you, you have to ask yourself: “If he was willing to disobey God when it comes to pre-marital sex, isn’t he likely to disobey God when it comes to adultery?“

(6) On top of praying, I suggest you become more discriminating with the movies and TV shows you watch. For example, avoid movies with nude scenes, so you’re reducing your exposure to images that can trigger the desire to have sex. When I was single, someone suggested I avoid romantic comedies because they train a person to become obsessed about romance. (Yes, it is natural for us to want to be in a relationship, but there has to be some sense of moderation so we’re not fantasizing about marrying every guy that we go out on a date with.) At the time the person gave me the advice, I thought she was being over-the-top, but now, I would suggest that people give it some serious consideration.

I would also say stay away from cheesy romance novels, whether Christian or secular (for the same reason as romantic comedy movies). The novels may even be worse than the movies because it takes much longer to read a book than to watch a 2-hour movie, so you’re “soaking” in it for a longer. To help you get started with finding quality Christian fiction, google “quality Christian fiction.” Ask your pastor for other guidelines on how to be discriminating when selecting TV shows and movies. By the way, you can borrow Christian movies online- google “borrow Christian movies” to see what your options are.

(7) I suggest you read the following book for single Christian women: “Get Married: What Women Can do to Help It Happen” by Candace Watters.

(8) Do you need resources to prepare you for when you’re having a discussion with someone about whether the Bible is the Word of God? (Some people from mainline Protestant churches don’t believe the Bible to be the Word of God.) There’s a book called “The Case for the Real Jesus” (it is the follow-up to the Case for Christ) by Lee Strobel and the chapter on Challenge # 2 touches on whether the Bible is the Word of God. The end of the chapter also has follow-up resources to do more reading. Also, connect the person with someone knowledgeable about these matters who is willing to dialog with them.

(9) Just a quick reminder: Even if you don’t agree with something in a book or on a website that I refer you to, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

(10) I know it is at times easier said than done, but don’t let your singleness/dating life consume your thoughts and dominate your conversations. On the one hand, you should be taking action to increase your chances of meeting the right person (praying about it, joining dating sites, asking folks to hook you up with good guys, losing weight and getting a physical makeover, if necessary, etc). However, on the other hand, you should be striving to still live a full, Jesus-centered life. (Of course, a Jesus-centered life should include working on transforming your personality to be in line with God’s will, which has the added benefit of making you a better catch for a guy.)

If you feel desperate or lonely, cry out to God, the Lover of your soul. As great as my husband is, nobody understands me like God does. Develop an intimacy with God by pouring your heart out to Him. Let Him be your most intimate friend. Select a date on the calendar and decide that for an hour or more that day, you are going to just spend unstructured time with God with no pre-prepared prayer list. Praise Him in song and also without music, repent, tell Him what’s in your heart, ask Him questions, talk to Him like you can see Him right in front of you and delight yourself in Him (enjoy Him). Listen to a Christian song (if possible, one that especially moves you), soak up His presence and luxuriate in it and pray about what comes to your mind.

(11) Even if you are in a strong, growing romantic relationship with a fabulous Christian guy who is committed to Jesus, everything I have written in #9 still applies. If you’ve been praying for God to send you the right guy for a long time, when he does show up, it’s easy to get carried away because you’re so relieved and happy. The guy is just a man, not your savior, so don’t allow thoughts of him to consume you to the point that he’s even remotely close to rivaling Jesus in your life. I know it’s a great feeling when you’re in love and floating on air, but the Blesser is more important than the blessing.

(12) More on online dating: If you’re a committed Christian (which, I assume, you would make clear in your profile ), a few women of different races have said, on average, you can expect 1 out of 10 guys to respond to your emails when you initiate contact. For some women it may be more and for some it may be less. The point is that you should go in with reasonable expectations. Also, focus us on quality, not quantity; remember, you only need one great husband, not 10 million.

(13) Read a book on online dating, not just an article, as a book will cover more. Search the internet (try internet book retailers) to see if you can find a good book for online dating for Christians. You can use a secular book too and just skip any offensive parts.

(14) When you first meet a guy (online or offline) and you want to ask him questions about his Christian faith, don’t ask all the questions in one sitting so the guy doesn’t feel like he’s being interrogated by the Gestapo. Try to speak on the phone at least 3 times (at length) before the first date and spread questions about his Christian walk over those 3 phone calls. As I’m sure most of you would agree, it is not a sin if you discuss topics other than Christianity when talking with a romantic prospect. Even when you’re talking on the phone with your Christian girlfriends, it’s not like 100% of your conversation is about explicitly spiritual matters—in fact, at times, it may be 0%, if the purpose of the call is something like determining what time to pick her up to go the baby shower.

(15) Once you are engaged, one of the many topics you and your fiancé should discuss while preparing for your marriage is how you are going to make decisions in your household. There are basically 2 schools of thought on this topic in the Christian community. One school believes that if there is a disagreement during decision-making, the husband should make the final decision. The other school believes that the husband and wife should be mutually submissive; if there’s a disagreement during decision-making, sometimes the couple goes with what the wife wants, sometimes with what the husband wants or sometimes both parties compromise. I recently watched a video of a Christian couple that has been married for over 3 decades and they are of the mutual-submission school of thought. In the video, they say that the wife is the husband’s servant and the husband is also the wife’s servant. The leadership model that this husband uses is a humble, submitting one. See Luke 22:24-26, which describes what Jesus said about leadership. Here is a link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTSZl49MGdU&feature=player_embedded

(16) Here is a woman on Candace Watters’ blog giving her testimony on how God moved mightily to bring her the right guy: http://www.helpgetmarried.com/2009/08/something-only-god-could-orchestrate.html

Check out my other posts too: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.

What If He Earns Less Than You? + Asian Men/BW + More Links

2009-06-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

(1) Below are excerpts from a post on Evia’s blog (blog name: Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine).

She is writing about practicalities of interracial dating, tuning out the destructive words of others and also about being open to experiencing life abroad.

AA women--remember that you don't need EVERY man to desire you or to be
interested in you in order for you to vet and select a loving and loveable
Quality mate. You just need ENOUGH of them to be interested. That's all it
takes. Enough.
…
Life is mostly a mental experience. If you allow anyone to poison you
and take over your mind, they've got you paralyzed and right where they
want you. [Here, Evia is referring to those who are hostile to bw dating interracially who tell bw that non-black men do not want them. Some non-black men are interested in bw and some aren’t. Focus your thinking on those who are.] So they will continue to try to do that. They're trying to CONTROL your mind! Ignore them and keep moving toward your joy. What do you have to lose?
...
And for those women writing to me, remember that the world is a
global village. I keep saying that because I live in the global village; I
don't live in a box. If I weren't getting what I needed here, I'd be gone in a
few months. My passport is always ready and I always have travelling
funds.

You've got to make a DECISION to get out there take some CAUTIOUS
risks. If not, what are your other options or alternatives? The worst that
could happen out there is that you won't find Mr. Right, but you're not finding
him at home in your comfort zone ANYWAY. Folks keep trying to keep y'all at home
AS IF they have some Mr. Rights there for you. LOL! Well, just where are
these "Mr. Rights? " Make these folks produce these Mr. Rights or tell them to
shut up! At this point, I don't see why y'all are sticking close to home. What's
at home aside from the "hookups?" Is that what you call a life? Continuous
hookups?

Ten years from now, you'll wish you had done something different. I
certainly know more than enough miserable, unhealthy women of all stripes
who are 40+.

You can find the rest of her post at this link (as with any resource I reference on this blog, if you find something you don’t agree with, don’t throw out the baby with the bath water):
http://www.blackfemaleinterracialmarriage.com/2009/06/living-well-grim-news-indeedbw-cant-say-no.html

(2) Some Black Women and Bad Attitudes

Here is an excerpt from a post titled “Debunking BW Stereotypes” on the blog Interracial Love and Spice by Sara (the blog author is a black woman):

The angry black woman stereotype is especially damaging because it takes on almost male characteristics. And in response ppl engaging in this type of behavior are usually treated in a very harsh manner consistent with the way one would treat an enraged male. I got confirmation of this, one summer when I enrolled my daughter in a summer program, and at the last minute the program decided to fill the left over slots with low income kids. They were putting on a play, and my daughter got the part of Rosa Parks that another little girl desperately wanted. The little girl sat screaming and crying and refusing to participate or stop screaming. Finally in desperation, the program called her mother and asked her to come for the child...The counselor was knocked over a chair [by the child's black mother] and grabbed by the neck, and literally choked to death before the other counselors could pull the woman off! The woman then let loose with a strings of profanity and mentioned (by name) all the body parts they could suck! She did not care how she made all bw look. She did not care that her child was now excluded from the program. She didn't even seem to care that the police were called, until they bodily forced her to the ground. This type of behavior is an exercise in stupidity. It reinforces antiquated stereotypes and beliefs and does great harm to us all. The poor counselor had done nothing to this woman's child, yet she came in like a raging bull and attacked her.

(Text in blue was added by G.T.)

Read the rest of the post here: http://interracialloveandspicebysara.blogspot.com/2008/10/debunking-bw-stereotypes.html

(3) Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen

I also have a blog post on what I did to work on my bad attitude. The post is titled “Reflections of a Former Attitude Queen – Emotional Healing for Black Women” and you can find it here: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/2009/06/reflections-of-former-attitude-queen.html

(4) Emotional Healing for Black Women

I have another post for black women who do not have difficult personalities, but have grief, anger or bitterness in their hearts. The post is titled “Emotional Healing for Black Women” and you can find it here: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/2009/06/emotional-healing-for-black-women.html

(5) White Guy Loving His Black Lady (Fiancee)

Here is a blog on relationships that is authored by a white guy who is engaged to a black woman. It is obvious how much he treasures his lady:
http://bwtamedken-relationshipcorner.blogspot.com/

(6) What If He Earns Less Than You?

Should a woman who is a college-educated architect making $80K/yr pass over a guy who is a college-educated banker making $60K/yr solely because he makes less money? (Please first read item # 6 of my post titled “Miscellaneous Advice For Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially” where I wrote about whether a woman with a college degree should date a guy who doesn’t have one. In the post, I also wrote that if you don’t like a man’s current job, take into consideration his vision for his future career and the concrete steps he’s taking to achieve the vision.)

I’ll go back to the original question. No, I don’t think a woman in this situation should turn down the guy only because he doesn’t make as much as she does. Women of various races will tell you it is not that easy to find a quality guy who you’re compatible with who is also ready to settle down and marry. Why then erect more roadblocks for yourself by insisting that the man you date must make at least as much as you do? If the income disparity between the two people is only something like $20,000, as in this case, there’s not that much to make a fuss about. Relationships with this type and degree of income disparity are becoming so commonplace now; as a result, there is way less pressure on the guy than there used to be in the past if the woman earned more. Your primary focus when screening a man should be on determining whether the two of you have compatible personalities, values/religious beliefs and educations/intellectual pursuits. When considering a man’s career, focus on whether his work ethic, level of ambition and drive are compatible with yours.

I know that one cannot totally ignore the guy’s finances because there will be a household to maintain after you marry, and it will probably eventually include kids, who we know are expensive to raise. If the guy’s income level (or income level in the future career he’s planning for) meets a reasonable threshold, don’t turn him down because he makes less money than you. The threshold would need to be one that requires he can make a consistent, meaningful contribution to the financial obligations in the household. Notice, I’m using terms like “reasonable threshold” and “meaningful contribution”—these terms mean different things to different people. Be flexible and pragmatic, but not foolhardy when determining what these terms mean for you.

Also recognize that, especially in harsh economic times, you may have a period where your reasonable threshold is really put to the test, and your guy’s contributions may be neither meaningful nor consistent. Remember, there’s typically going to be a “for better and for worse” section of your marriage vows. If one of your must-have requirements for a man is that he earns at least as much as you do, suppose he’s laid off after you get married and the replacement job brings in less money than yours, then what? He will then no longer meet your must-have requirements, so are you going to start disrespecting him? Are you going to divorce him? When it comes to as man’s career, it is wiser to put the emphasis on the attributes that cannot or are unlikely to change for the worse (his drive, ambition, work ethic, education) instead of the guy’s finances, which can. Men, like all of us, want to feel truly valued in a marriage. They want to know that their wives will love and stand by them even if their income level takes a huge dive.

When I write about compatibility, please keep in mind that compatibility does not necessarily translate into equality. If, for example, a woman is a medical doctor and the guy in question has a bachelor’s degree in economics, there is a high likelihood of intellectual compatibility between them though she has four more years of education than he does.

How about if the disparity in income is huge? What if, for example, you are a woman who is a doctor earning $190K and the guy is a teacher earning $32K, should you decline his advances just because of his income? I can empathize with the typical apprehension women in your situation have about whether the man may feel insecure in the relationship or about whether he’s interested in your money only. I empathize, (and I don’t mean any of this to come across as catty), but let’s be realistic here. The guys who earn your kind of money are generally also open to dating and marrying women who earn less than they do. Since these men aren’t limiting themselves, there is a smaller pool of them available to the women at their income level. If they aren’t restricting themselves as much as you do, you’re just making life harder for yourself if you choose to only date men at your income level. Add to this the fact that by the time you get to the age where you’ve finished all your medical training and are earning the huge income, most of the guys earning what you do are already taken.

You need to be flexible with respect to how much a man makes. How flexible you should be, I won’t comment on. Some women earning $190K may decide that they will be flexible to the point of being open to college-educated guys who earn $60K or more; some other women earning the same amount may say they will be more flexible and be willing to date college-educated guys who make less than $60K too. I won’t weigh in on whether I think one approach is superior to the other. I’ll just say you should be flexible. By the way, I know of 3 women who are doctors married to engineers even though doctors typically make way more than engineers.

As far as your concerns about guys who could be gold diggers, reduce the risk by screening out men who have a poor work ethic, lack integrity and live beyond their means. I know all women should do this, but it is doubly important in your case. A man who is a hard worker, is honest and has prudent spending habits is less likely to be interested in you for your money. As you evaluate his character, remember that the little things add up. A few sample questions to ask yourself: Does he buy boot-legged CDs and DVDs? Does he cheat on his taxes? Does he get on the NYC subway without paying? No one is perfect, so I’m not saying you should head for the hills as soon as he does anything lacking integrity, but if you point it out, does he justify his behavior and keep doing it?

If you’re worried about guys eventually feeling insecure in a relationship with you if you earn a ton more than they do, look for a guy who is extremely comfortable in his own skin; that should reduce some of the risk. Also, perhaps after the two of you have been dating a couple of months, have a heart-to-heart discussion with the man about whether he thinks the income disparity will be an issue in the long-run. Pay attention to not just what he says, but his body language too. I suggest having the discussion after 2 months because the discussion may be somewhat awkward and you need to have known each other long enough so that you guys can bounce back from the awkwardness.

Men crave respect even more than most women realize, so make sure you’re not disrespectful to your man. I know, I know, women require respect too, so it is a two-way street. However, there may even be some things that you do that you don’t realize are disrespectful to your guy--like a certain type of teasing in public. Read the book “For Men Only: The Inner Lives of Men” by Shaunti Feldhahn. As with any resource I reference on this blog, if you find anything on there you disagree with, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Also see item # 14 in my post titled “More For Single Black Christian Women” where I write about decision-making between spouses.

You may think that I don’t have as much concern when the college-educated woman earns less than her college-educated man as I do when a college-educated woman is with a non-college-educated man; I know it is possible both situations can lead to the man being insecure in the long-run. My rationale is that compatibility of education/intellectual pursuits is more important in an intimate relationship than whether the guy makes as much money as the wife. Most of your time interacting with your husband is going to be spent talking. If your mindsets are worlds apart, there is less probability that you will have a lasting, deep connection than an intellectually- matched couple (all other things being equal). A bw should be able to debates issues freely with her husband and try to learn more about the world without fear that she will be labeled an uppity negro or “bougie.” Please re-read item # 6 of my post titled “Miscellaneous Advice For Black Women Interested in Dating Interracially.” In that post, I make it clear that I do believe that there are some men without a formal higher education who have great intellectual curiosity, so I know that there are exceptions to what I’m writing.

If your guy makes less money than you, but you have compatibility of education/intellectual pursuits PLUS the guy has drive, a strong work ethic and is ambitious, he will take care of business. He will work hard at his job (and at times, perhaps a second job) to make sure he is making a meaningful contribution to the household finances; you won’t feel used like some sort of beast of burden that's having to carry the whole household. (I’ve written about the importance of compatibility in other key areas like values/religious beliefs, so clearly you would be screening out guys who would seek to take care of business illegally.) For example, I read an article a while ago about a man who was a college grad that worked for a non-profit organization. He and his wife wanted to buy their first property, so he got a 2nd job for a few years so they could afford it. Most of us know that teachers do this sort of thing all the time.

Ideally, one would prefer to have educational/intellectual compatibility with a man as well as similar income levels, but we do not live in an ideal world, so make lemonade out of lemons. If you meet a guy you’re compatible with on all levels and he makes as much as you do, great; go ahead and do your thing, girl. If you’re compatible on all levels, but he makes less money, then work with what you’ve got-there are a lot of happily-married women who’ve taken this route. Also remember that sometimes he’ll only be making less money than you for a relatively short period of time because he’s planning to launch a business or further his education/change his job or career.

(7) Asian Men / Black Women Relationships

There are men that behave like dirt bags in every race, so it is important to screen guys. Below are 3 black women’s experiences with dating Asian men that I found online. One has a bad report to give and the other two have good reports to give. After reading the bad report, you may be tempted to say you will steer clear of all Asian men. That would be too harsh a response. Instead, just proceed with caution in any dating relationship, regardless of the man’s race. SCREEN, SCREEN, SCREEN guys.

One quality to look for in a guy is independent-thinking. If you perceive the guy to be someone who jumps on the bandwagon on various life issues, you have to ask yourself whether he is going to be willing to stand up to his family if they are against him marrying you. Even if his family is okay with your relationship, won’t someone with a history of being spineless eventually buckle under the pressure when certain segments in society disapprove of your relationship? Remember that sometimes folks express this disapproval with threats of violence or by trying to damage a person’s career. Do you really want someone who has no backbone to be the father of your children one day and possibly pass on that unappealing trait? If you perceive that a man OF ANY RACE doesn’t have the courage of his convictions, just keep it moving. By the way, a person can be shy and still have a quiet strength; also, a person can be loud and obnoxious and still not be an independent thinker.

Black Woman # 1’s Experience:

The love of my life just happens to be a Korean male.Did I seek him out...as a
band-aid for my wounds from Black men? no.Do I hate myself, and secretly
wish I were of another race? no.Did I just give up and say "to hell with it,
I'll take whatever comes along." no.I simply fell in love with his fear of
God first...character second...and everything else fell into place.Am I
saying he's better than the Black man, or for that matter, any other race?
no.I'm simply saying, God blessed me to find true love where I would've
never dreamed of looking before. And that...as they say...is that.

Black Woman # 2’s Experience:

I dated an Asian man for 2 years from Myanmar, and the entire time he could not make up his mind if he wanted to disappoint his friends and family by going against them ( by taking our relationship further w/marriage,children etc ) He was afraid they just wouldn't accept it. He was more into Greek/and Italian women when he left for Greece when he got a good job as a really good chef, but he complained they were being snobby etc...So he left for Berlin and persued German women etc. So in a
nutshell, I saw that he was obviously feeling his friends and everyone would be more accepting of him pairing up with a woman of caucasian ancestry.

I dated a Thai man from Los Angeles. He was nice, handsome and was a gentleman. Things between us went very well, until he started edgey about getting serious...and also when he found out that I am a black woman. He assumed I was a Latina or some other race, but I was very clear to him when we discussed my family history that I am African American it seemed to bother him alot. He started saying that he was unsure about commitment...and then said that black women are unfeminine that other races of women. He told me that I was not unfeminine, but thats how he
felt about most black women. Then he made some sort of confession about how his statement is what others thought, so thats why he felt that way. It was as if he was afraid of what others would think of him.
I dated another Asian man many years later, he was really nice, educated and
really kind. Everything was great with him, he asked me to be his girlfriend
and to take things more seriously. I agreed, I really was intrigued by him.
A year later he told me he was interested in marriage. Then he started saying he needed to wait until we both finished college. Well, we both graduated and he then
asked me if I'd move in with him and hold off on marriage for another 3 years so
that he could travel around the world.
I am not against Asian men and Black women relationships, there are some out
there that work out. I had always thought that was the type of relationship
for me, because I had always been attracted to Asian men. But I have noticed
online alot of Asian men on forums bashing black women...as well as personally seeing this sort of thing. Many will wonder dumb things like "What would our kids look
like" things like that...and it shouldn't really matter what the kids will look like. Its a shame.I posted before on here and people thought I was talking against AM/BW relationships but that is not the case at all. I just don't think AM/BW relationships are ever going to be that easy unless both parties learn to have a better respect
and understanding of each other...instead of going on stupid negative stereotypes,
and being too worried about family and friends view on the matter.

Black Woman # 3’s Experience:

Read Lorraine’s Feb 27, 2009 interview with Ami, a black woman married to a Chinese man named Yuan at: http://evolvingslices.typepad.com/lorraines_corner. By the way, Lorraine’s interviews are featured on Evia’s blog, “Black Female Interracial Marriage Ezine,” in the section named “Lorraine’s Corner.”

(8) The Next Generation & Appreciation of Black Beauty

You and your husband/child’s father should train your daughters to appreciate their beauty and also train your sons to appreciate the beauty of black girls/women. (If you are single and your child’s father is not actively involved in your kid's upbringing, then enlist someone else to act as a father-figure for your child. If you can’t find a father-figure for your child, then it is still better that s/he learns good lessons about black beauty from you than that they get no good lessons at all.) You and your husband/child’s father should affirm your daughter’s beauty by telling her she is pretty on a regular basis. When either of you see a cute black girl/woman or a picture of one, make a statement about how attractive she is and make sure your son /daughter hears you. Tell them not to unthinkingly accept the standards of beauty of the mainstream society. Don’t wait until your kids are teenagers to start because by then the warped mentality about black beauty that is prevalent in our youth today may already be too engrained. Watch the DVD, “The Souls of Black Girls” for more on how black girls view themselves negatively (see "Misc Links" section of this blog).

9) Seminar Announcement: The Black Girl’s Guide to Interracial Dating

Locations: New York, Atlanta, Chicago, DC, Philly, Oakland, Detroit and Los Angeles

BlackWeekly.com and BlackGirlTravel.com organized a seminar on interracial dating for bw in Los Angeles on Aug 2, 2009 and it was a resounding success. They plan to hold future seminars on this topic soon in New York, Atlanta, Chicago, DC, Philly, Oakland and Detroit. When you attend the seminar, you will be given a copy of the Black Girl’s Guide to Interracial Dating. If you can’t attend one of the seminars, contact the organizers to see if you can purchase a DVD or CD of the event. One of the hosts of the event was Fleace Weaver of BlackGirlTravel.com.
Seminar Website: http://www.blackweekly.com/freeyourmind/

Here is a National Public Radio (NPR) piece on this seminar by journalist Jenee D: http://www.npr.org/templates/player/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=111781484&m=111786137.

Great job on the radio piece, Jenee!

Jenee has a blog post about the seminar and she will be adding interviews from the seminar that didn’t make it into the final story. Here’s a link to her blog post: http://cocoafly.blogspot.com/2009/08/catch-my-npr-story-interracial-dating.html .

Check out my other posts: http://forthesistas.blogspot.com/.

Please email this post to other black women by clicking on the envelope icon below.